In Your Eyes
by alienated-alien
Summary: AU: "My name is Spock. Are you male or female?" The child scrunched up its nose. "I'm a boy of course!"
1. Prologue part 1

**Star Trek and all characters [apart from those that are obviously just there to overcomplicate the story] belong to their respectible owners. Meaning: Not Me.**

**The title is taken from Peter Gabriel's song "In Your Eyes" and thus is also not mine.**

**I apologise for every error I made, I tried my best to edit it, but I'm a moron. *bows* Enjoy.**

**Edit: 15th February 2015; I edited the entire chapter, because MY GOODNESS. Horrible. I will continue to edit the entire story over the next weeks! I'm still blushing, this thing is horrible and cheesy and UUUUUGH. Sorry. **

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Prologue:

From beneath the battered coffee table crawled a small boy, puffy-eyed and shivering. Wiping his snotty nose on the sleeve of his torn, and now bloody, pullover, he released a quiet, hiccupping sob. Frank had fallen asleep on the couch, the stench coming from the broken beer-bottle permeated the living-room. It penetrated the child's tiny button nose and prompted him to give a silent retch.

He needed to get out of here. His brother had already left after their mother decided to take up a job in the city and barely stayed home long enough to say 'hello' anymore.

Not that she ever said much anyway.

The boy wrapped his thin arms around his aching ribcage and stumbled towards the front door. It was unlocked, opening with ease when he pushed down the handle with both hands. He put on his shoes and grabbed the backpack he kept near-by, filled with chocolate-bars and juice from the last time he tried to run away.

Tiptoeing out of the sticky atmosphere that lingered within the house that had been his home for almost six years, he took a deep breath and pulled the wooden door shut behind himself. A few seconds, he waited, listening into the silence. Then he started running.

His tiny feet pounded the frozen ground underneath his boots, carrying him further down the winding dirt road and away from the farm. His breathing had grown heavy, each breath a puff of white mist in the cold night air. He tripped and fell, the worn clothes ripping where they came in contact with the stony earth. Whimpering, the boy pushed himself upright.

His palms were scraped and bleeding, just like his knees. The wounds burned in the icy wind. Water caused his vision to blur, and he closed his eyes to keep from crying again. After a few minutes of sitting on the frozen ground to calm down, he got up on shaky legs and limped down the street leading towards the brightly lit town in the distance.

Somewhere above him he could hear something resembling a plane, or maybe a helicopter, he was not sure. It had a buzzing sound to it, but it was coupled with a roaring that reminded him of Frank's old motorcycle.

Stopping in his tracks with a tiny sniffle, the boy lifted his gaze towards the night-sky. A dark, solid object came rushing down. His eyes widened.

It was _huge_. Much bigger than the farm-house he lived in, even bigger than Aunt Martha's house in San Francisco. The boy stood frozen in shock, staring at the thing closing in on him, until he could not see the sky any longer, and his vision was filled with something he identified as a _spaceship_.

A thrill of excitement shot through him and he clutched the hem of his sweater to stop the nervous twitching of his hands. He had seen a lot of movies and Sam used to tell him stories about the work their father had done at the NASA. Maybe, whoever was in that spaceship would take him with them.

Without warning, a bright light engulfed him. A second later, his body began to tingle and he let out a frightened squeak when his hands began to dissolve in front of him. It felt as if he was getting picked apart into tiny pieces.

He closed his eyes in fear, only to tear them open again when his feet landed on unfamiliar ground. It felt smoother. Unnatural.

A deep, scratchy voice penetrated his ears and he gasped upon noticing the bulky figure in the dark. He took a step backwards, instantly feeling a wall against his spine.

He was trapped.

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><p><strong>This is the first part of the very confusing prologue. I am very self-conscious about my writing skills and it took me almost two weeks before I found the courage to get my ass moving and sign up here to post. I hope you like it. I will post more, if you want me to.<strong>

**greetings, alienated-alien**


	2. Prologue part 2

Uhm, wow, I didn't think I would get feedback so quickly, haha. It kind of scared me for a moment. Anyway, here is part 2 of the Prologue. The first part was merely a tentative prod to test how the readers [meaning you] would react.

Have fun with little Spock and Jimmy, I hope I did not mess anything up too badly.

Edit: LaurAmour clued me in to the fact, that it was hard to read the story, while the text was centered. =) I changed it now and I hope it is better now.

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Prologue 2:

Spock rubbed his eyes sleepily as he slipped out of bed. The door-alarm shrilled again and he stumbled towards it in the dazed confusion that came with being woken at 3.42 am. His bare feet slapped against the warm stone floor. He knew he should not open the door this late, especially when both his Mother and Father had left to attend to a meeting of the High Council in Shi'kahr.

But he had always been too curious for his own good. At least, that was what his Mother said.

Spock pressed the communicator-button by the door. "This is Spock, please identify yourself."

"This is Caator, Spock, where is your Father?"

"My Father and Mother have left for a meeting.", he replied. "Do you need me to let you inside, Caator?"

"Yes."

Spock deactivated the lock and stepped aside, when Caator entered the anteroom, cradling a small bundle within his arms. Spock tilted his head curiously. "What is that?"

Caator knelt down to reveal a fragile alien-being, wrapped in a thick, woollen blanket. Bronze-coloured, long lashes fluttered above strangely rosy cheeks, a mane of golden hair framed the soft features.

"It is a Human child. We have retrieved it from one of the slave-ships. It is your father that is responsible for their safe return to their planet. But as he is not here, I cannot simply take it back alongside the others. I would need to delete its memory, for Earth is still without knowledge of the fact, that they are not alone in this universe. However, I am not adept enough to do so, not like your father is. It is very young; I could damage its mind."

"I was of the opinion that Humans were dark-haired. As for the erasing of its memory... I do not understand, why do you not simply ask Lady T'Pau to do so for you?", Spock blinked down at the child, fascinated by the small, rounded ears.

Caator inclined his head. "This program was invented by your father and has yet to be fully approved of by the Council. I believe that is why your parents are attending the meeting. Lady T'Pau has refused to participate until it is accepted as a legal program."

"Can I keep it?", Spock asked bluntly, finally looking up at the older Vulcan. He wanted the Human to stay, it was so strangely exotic and so very different form the hard, angular faces he was used to. It resembled his mother in its softness, logically so, for they were both human.

Caator blinked slowly. "No, Spock, it does not belong here."

"Please. I will take care of it. Father will return very late. If you left the Human here with me, I could tell father in the morning."

Caator stared at him for 3.45 seconds, before nodding once and straightening up again. "Very well. I shall take it to your room. If it wakes, try to keep it calm."

Spock only just kept himself from smiling enthusiastically. Instead he inclined his head respectfully and led Cator towards his room. He was suddenly glad that his mother insisted that he tidied his room before going to bed.

Caator placed the Human onto his bed, shifting it underneath the blankets. "Keep it warm, I possess no information on how long it has been imprisoned and we know almost nothing about Humans, apart from what Lady Amanda tells us. They seem very delicate."

Spock nodded solemnly. Caator bowed slightly to him, before leaving without another word.

Spock climbed onto his bed to assess the strange creature more closely. There seemed to be something resembling a bruise on its right cheek bone, but it was of a strange, violet colour, so different from the green he was used to.

A reddish brown crust had dried on the child's lower lip; Spock touched it carefully, feeling the supple flesh give beneath his fingertip. A low whimper escaped the being's throat and it curled up on its side like a sehlat kitten.

Spock was once again intrigued when its lids started to flutter and finally opened to reveal a pair of cerulean eyes. He had never seen this shade of blue before, they almost seemed to glow. His mother's eyes were brown, like his own. Curious, Humans seemed to be far more variable in their appearances than Vulcans.

The child blinked tiredly, before sitting up with a high-pitched noise of surprise, scrambling away from Spock. "W-who are you?"

Spock stared at the creature. Why was it speaking in the same, strange language his mother had taught him? How did it know it? "My name is Spock. Are you male or female?"

The child scrunched up its nose. "I'm a boy of course!"

"I do not know enough about Humans to recognise this immediately, I apologise, if I offended you.", Spock inclined his head. "What language is it you are speaking?"

"English, everyone speaks it.", the boy said, suddenly unsure. "Why? Where am I?"

"You are in my room. My father's associates retrieved you from a slave-ship and brought you to Vulcan to send you back."

"V-Vulcan...?", the boy seemed mildly confused.

"My home planet.", Spock clarified.

"Planet? Are you saying I'm on another planet?", the child's voice rose 2.4 percent in pitch and Spock nodded quickly in hopes to stop him from shouting. "Cool!"

"Cool...?", Spock blinked. "What does the temperature have to do with your current situation? Furthermore, it is anything but cool in my room."

A tinkling laugh escaped the fair-haired child's mouth, startling Spock momentarily. "No, it means 'awesome' or... uhm..."

"Fascinating?"

"Yeah!"

"Do you possess a name?", Spock finally asked.

"James Tiberius Kirk.", the boy answered proudly, then ducked his head shyly. "But everyone calls me Jim."

"Very well, Jim. My Father will be back in the morning and will help you return home."

Jim paled suddenly, eyes filling with tears. "I don't want to go back there, please, please let me stay... nobody wants me at home, please, don't send me back!"

Spock swallowed thickly. "I cannot promise you, but I shall try to convince my Father-"

"Thank you!", Jim threw his thin arms around Spock in something his mother taught him was called an embrace.

It was a frowned-upon gesture here on Vulcan and one of the many reasons, why his mother had trouble getting the respect she deserved whenever she and Spock walked through Shi'kahr alone.

It was a strange, alien feeling at first, the boy's emotions pelted across his skin like the rare dessert rain, leaving trails of _gratefulness_, _exhaustion _and _trust _behind. Spock lifted his arms to place them gently around the fragile body, feeling the bones in the boy's back shift as he settled against him more firmly. "What do you mean, nobody wants you at home?"

Jim sniffled quietly. "My Momma won't look at me 'cause I look too much like Dad... he died you know? On the day I was born... and... and I think Momma thinks it's my fault, because she left Sam and me with Frank and he's not... not very nice..."

Spock started to feel cold, illogically so, and it caused him to tighten his hold on the small boy marginally. "I will protect you."

Jim leaned back a little to look at him, eyes wide and shining with moisture. "Why?"

Spock blinked, then tugged the boy closer. "Because you are mine now."

"Oh.", Jim squirmed a little closer. "Are you mine now, too?"

A strange, warm feeling coiled in Spock's stomach, he felt his mouth begin to quirk upwards. "Yes."

Jim giggled, before sitting up and looking intently at Spock. "Your ears are all pointy and stuff."

"Indeed."

"Is that normal for V...Vulcans?"

"Yes. I am most fascinated by the shape of your ears, too.", Spock trailed a hesitant finger over the curve of Jim's aural organ.

"You have angry eyebrows...", Jim mumbled.

"Eyebrows are not sentient, therefore, they cannot be angry.", Spock answered.

The boy smiled brightly, then yawned unashamedly, burying his face in Spock's clothed shoulder sleepily. "'m tired, Spock..."

"Then you may sleep.", Spock said softly and helped the boy get comfortable in the mass of pillows and blankets.

The coloured duvets seemed to swallow the little boy whole, making him seem even more fragile and in need of protection. Spock wondered if that was how his father felt, whenever his mother curled up on the chaiselongue upon the balcony. He had observed that his father left his study more frequently whenever she decided to lie there, almost as if he wanted to be sure, that she was still present.

"You're staying right?"

"It is my bed, it would be illogical not to stay.", Spock pulled the much warmer body against his own cold one. "Rest now, Jim, you are safe."

A content sigh tickled Spock's throat, but he kept still, as Jim tucked himself tightly against Spock's chest, snuffling for a few seconds, before falling silent.

2.15 minutes later, Jim's breathing evened out and became shallower, as he fell asleep. Spock lowered his shields fully, to enjoy the soft edged warmth of Jim's sleeping mind. He had never felt so accepted before, like he belonged. Spock nuzzled Jim's hair gently, careful not to wake the boy.

Tomorrow, he would convince his father to let Jim stay. Mother had been allowed to stay with Father, it would be hypocritical of him to refuse Spock's request. And furthermore, Jim was _his_. Spock let his eyes fall shut; Jim's exhaustion seemed to have overtaken his brain, rendering his limbs heavy and useless. Something tingled in the back of his mind, warm and golden, tiny and breakable like a newborn bird greeting the first rays of the sun. But before he could reach out to it, he was asleep.

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><p>And that was part 2. I hope it wasn't bad and that I somehow managed to keep Spock from getting too... <em>unspocky<em> here.

greetings, alienated-alien


	3. Prologue part 3

After I realised that everyone kinda fell in love with cute little Spock and Jimmy I decided to write one more part with them being children. I have to warn you though, this story will not continue like this. This was merely a prologue [that got out of hand a little] to introduce the universe to you.

I also wanted to thank everyone for the kind reviews, they really boosted my non-existent self-confidence.

I sincerely apologise for every stupid error, forgotten word or senseless sentence. =) Enjoy!

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Prologue 3:

Jim awoke to soft, rhythmic breathing and a rather cool body that had wrapped itself around him, similar like Sam would, after Frank had beaten him up once again. But this was not Sam; Sam was taller and certainly not as cold. Besides, Sam had left the house two weeks ago. Left him with Frank.

Jim opened his eyes, when he felt the chest his ear was pressed against shift and vibrate, a voice filtered into his sleep-addled brain. It was a strange language it spoke, made up from short hissing sounds and dragged out vowels. The voice suddenly fell silent and Jim lifted his head to look up.

He found himself staring at a pair of soft, brown eyes. A smile broke out on his face, upon registering that it was Spock. "Mornin'."

Spock blinked, his features softened visibly. "Morning, Jim."

"Spock.", a low, dark voice interrupted the tranquillity of the room and Jim instantly hid underneath the blanket.

"Sarek!", another voice, lighter, that of a woman. "You are scaring the child. Honey... come out, nobody will hurt you."

Jim dared to peek out from his hiding place, coming face to face with a beautiful woman. Her eyes were the same colour as Spock's and he instantly knew that he was looking at his new friend's mother. A tall, stern looking man stood beside her and when Jim looked up, he was instantly caught in the calculating gaze of his black eyes.

The woman's soft chuckle made him turn back to look at her. "There you are, honey. My name is Amanda, I know you're frightened but there is no reason to be, Sarek may look mean but he is very nice, right, _ashayam_?"

The strange word at the end of her sentence seemed softened somehow and Jim had the feeling, that it meant something important.

Spock had sat up, pulling Jim with him. "Father, Mother, this is Jim. Caator brought him here, he said, that he could not take him back alongside the others, because he could not erase his memory. He also said, that Jim was supposed to be sold as a slave, Father..."

Amanda had gone silent, her eyes became distant and she stood awfully still. Sarek reached out, his fingers trailing down her knuckles gently, before he addressed Spock. "I believe Caator told you about the organisation I have started, correct? Yes. We have been trying to stop these illegal slave-tradings for almost ten years. The first shipping of these to-be slaves included your Mother. She decided to stay..."

"Because I got attached to a cold, grumpy Vulcan.", Amanda smiled, the strange mood she had fallen into gone as if it had never occurred.

Jim giggled and ducked his head to hide against Spock's collar bone.

Sarek seemed to be quite adept on ignoring Amanda's quips and spoke again. "You will be taken back to your home in approximately two days. There will be no memories of what happened and-"

"No!", Jim clung to Spock. "I don't want to go back, don't make me go back!"

Amanda looked stricken. "Darling, it's alright, calm down!"

"No!", Jim hiccupped painfully, tears threatened to spill. "I don't wanna..."

"But honey, your parents are probably worried sick..."

"Nobody cares about me, Momma h-hates me a-and Frank would break m-my arm for running away again!", Jim sobbed.

"Oh God...", Amanda whispered, hands covering her mouth as she turned to look at her husband. "Sarek..."

Sarek's eyebrows had lowered marginally. "Jim, what are you saying, clarify."

"My Momma remarried a-and Frank... he g-gets drunk a lot, s-so...", Jim trembled, he could not go back there, not now, not when he finally found a place where he felt safe. Not when Spock promised to protect him. "He hurts me; I don't want to go back!"

"I will not let Jim be sent back there, Father. We belong to each other, you cannot take us apart.", Spock spoke almost harshly, tugging Jim even more against himself, causing the smaller boy to squeak in surprise.

Amanda blinked, then smiled a small, private smile in Sarek's direction. "Look at that, Sarek, he reminds me of you more and more."

Sarek lifted an eyebrow, something flickered across his face, before it blanked again. "Indeed."

Jim swallowed. "C-can I stay? Please, I can be really quiet, I..."

"Ssh...", Amanda carefully petted his hair, eyes twinkling with warmth. "No one here expects anything from you. But I'm afraid you will not be able to go outside much right now, we have to find suitable clothes for you, unless you want to get sunburn."

"Foremost we must speak to Lady T'Pau.", Sarek said quietly. "Spock. I want you to take care of Jim for the time being. Do not let him outside, see that he does not eat anything that your Mother would not eat; it could upset his gastric system. We will be back in approximately 4.3 hours."

Spock nodded once, Jim felt the arms around him tighten slightly.

"Very well.", Sarek inclined his head, then turned and left the room, the dark robe swishing dramatically behind him.

Jim had to giggle softly. "He's like Batman..."

Amanda's eyes bulged out of their sockets, before she erupted into a full blown laughing-fit; her brown eyes squeezed half-way shut as she leaned against the bed-post to steady herself. "Oh, Jim!"

Spock was momentarily confused. "What is a Batman?"

Amanda chuckled, her face reddened. "Do you remember my comic-books, Spock?"

"Ah... but Father does not wear his undergarments over his trousers, Mother."

Amanda snorted and the next wave of laughter swept Jim right along. "N-no! Spock, I meant that he behaves like Batman, very my... mysterious and stuff, y'know?"

Spock tilted his head. "I see."

Jim snickered and grabbed Spock's hand. "You're so weird, Spock."

Spock bristled. "I am not _weird_."

"'course you are. I'm weird too, weird is good, it means you're special.", Jim nodded sagely.

Amanda straightened suddenly, throwing a sheepish smile at Jim and Spock. "I have to go, we will be back soon, have fun!"

Jim blinked then turned to look at Spock. "Your Mom is cool."

Spock lifted an eyebrow. "I believe that was meant as a compliment?"

"Yep.", Jim grinned, then winced and grabbed his side. "Ouchie."

"Are you injured?", Spock reached out to detangle Jim's fingers from the pullover he was bundled in. "Let me see."

Jim did not protest, when Spock pulled the hem upwards, exposing an array of barely healed, violet bruises and blackish hematomas. A dark look passed over the alien boy's face, making Jim shiver slightly.

Spock slid from the bed. "I will be back in 1.2 minutes. Stay here."

"Aye, Commander!", Jim saluted.

Spock left without a word, and returned with a strange apparatus. "This is a dermal-regenerator. It will heal your wounds."

Jim's mouth opened in awe. "Seriously?"

"Vulcans are always serious.", Spock climbed back onto the bed and motioned for Jim to take off his shirt.

"Will it hurt?"

"No, it should not hurt."

"Oh. Okay.", Jim let Spock manoeuvre the gadget over the bruises, watching them vanish slowly, leaving healed, smooth skin behind. Even the tiny scratches on his palms were tended to and when Spock saw that his knees were also scraped, he held the device above them too. When Spock finished, Jim felt a lot better and less like he had been steamrolled the night before.

"Jim."

"Hm?"

"What is it like on Earth?"

"Uhm... well... I dunno, there's lots of grass where I am from, and fields. They are green in the summer and they get all sandy-brown till autumn. Do you have fields?"

"We do not, our plants grow in caves, it is moist there and they receive sunlight through small holes in the ceiling. But I have seen fields upon Ryra V. Mother said the sky on Earth is blue and that it was filled with clouds almost constantly."

"Yep.", Jim tilted his head. "Yours isn't?"

"The sky of Vulcan is a very pale blue, almost white. We have clouds but seldom. Our sun is very hot, because Vulcan orbits it quite closely. That is why Vulcan is mostly desert."

"I see.", Jim nodded, then leaned forward a little. "So... can you do something cool?"

"I do not understand."

"Like... can you fly?"

Spock shook his head. "No."

"Oh... something else then?"

"Vulcans are touch-telepaths."

"What's that?"

"If I were to touch your bare skin, I could, if I wanted, hear your thoughts and feel what you are feeling at the moment."

"Cool! Can you show me?"

"...Very well."

Spock reached out to Jim, fingers spread to align over Jim's face. "Will it hurt?"

"No."

Jim closed his eyes and gasped when he felt a gentle prod inside his head. "Hey! Is that you?"

"Yes, now be still...", Spock's free hand enveloped his own. "Do not be frightened of what you might see, you are safe."

"I know that.", Jim smiled blindly. "You are here."

Spock did not answer, but the fingers cradling Jim's tightened marginally.

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><p>Done! This is the last part of the prologue. No more little Spock and Jim in the next chapter, but I hope you will still like how I portrayed them.<p>

greetings, alienated-alien


	4. Prologue part 4

Okay. Yes, I already said the last part would be the LAST part. Well. Turns out, I wasn't content with it ending like that.

But I was unsure HOW to end it.

So I'm really grateful for MeshalaX's review, it really helped me get my thought-order right.

Anyway, I just hope I got it this time, because elseway, I'm going to go MENTAL. *clears throat* Enjoy.

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Prologue 4:

_They were not sure which way was up anymore, the hands clutching one another were their only anchor and they knew they would need to land soon. They forgot their names, forgot what they had actually been doing, before they had fallen. There was only tinkling laughter now, and pale fingers grasping tanned ones. _

_...Sam, wait up! Wait for me, Sam!..._

_Water covered the floor, cold and soothing against their dry skin, the sand between their toes familiar yet strange. In the distance they could see a bright, golden light, too small to be the sun. It was unable to illuminate the night-sky above them, leaving them tainted with star-light._

_...Mother, why do they treat me differently?..._

_A crumbled bridge rose from the water, turning into dust before drifting away as if carried by a gust of wind, even though there was not a single breeze within the space they idled in. Unsure where to go, they stood frozen in the water, soaking in the fluid until they themselves felt like they had turned to liquid. They were a circle, they had no beginning, no ending, they were a spinning-wheel turning around, around, around..._

_...Momma, why won't you look at me?..._

_They spun a golden thread and tied it to their breast-bones, knotting it tight; it was so thin and could rip at the slightest tug. Still, still, do not breathe, it will tear. Keep still. _

_...Stay..._

_Wake up. _

Spock sat up abruptly. Jim was lying beside him, breathing heavily, while two tears made their way down his face. "Jim? Are you alright, did I hurt you?"

"N-no. What just happened?", Jim looked up at him, eyes even bluer from the moistness.

"I... am not sure. It is not like this when I meld with Father or Mother."

"Huh.", Jim blinked. "What's 'meld'?"

"The joining of minds. It is what occurred right now."

"Ooh.", Jim squirmed closer to Spock, brows furrowed in confusion. "Well, it was really weird, but cool. Even if I didn't understand it."

Spock nodded cautiously. His mind slowly settled back into the calmness it was used to, leaving a strange, aching feeling behind that he could not place. Jim seemed to have a similar problem, if the frown sporting his wet face was anything to go by. "I feel all... all odd, Spock. Will it go away again?"

"Yes, I believe so. Emotional transference is one of the consequences following a mind-meld."

"I have no idea what that means, but... okay.", Jim mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

Spock frowned, as a thought came to him. "Jim, you do know that I will stay with you, correct?"

"Hm? I thought _you_ said that I should stay!"

"I did not."

"Well, me neither.", Jim nuzzled against him and Spock was once again reminded of a sehlat, as he placed his hand carefully onto Jim's tussled hair. "Maybe we both said it together and didn't notice?"

"Illogical."

"Why?"

"Because... because it does not make sense."

"Oh. Hey, when are your parents coming back again?", Jim had finally worked himself into a sitting position, leaning against Spock tiredly.

Spock's inner clock seemed to have stopped working while in the meld for he could not tell what time it was like usual. His gaze swept to the digital chronometer sitting above his desk and as he took in the numbers, his eyes widened. "We have been in the meld for almost four hours!"

"Really?", Jim tugged at his arm. "It felt like two minutes!"

"Indeed. My parents will be home soon, are you hungry?"

"A little.", Jim's stomach gave a loud growl and he laughed. "Okay, maybe a lot."

Spock nodded and slid off the bed. "Wait here, I will be back."

He felt a little shaky as he made his way to the kitchen. There was a bowl filled with Kray-fruits sitting on the counter and since he had seen his Mother eat them more than once, he quickly picked up a few. He did not dare to touch the stove; Mother had forbidden him to do so, while she was not home. Staggering back, he found Jim leaning against two pillows, blanket pulled up around himself.

"Are you cold, Jim?"

Jim shook his head, an unsure expression on his face. "I don't know."

Spock quickly sat down beside him, holding a Kray-fruit out to him. Jim blinked and took the spiky fruit into his small hands. "That looks funny, how do you eat it?"

"You should start with the spikes, if you do not, you might stab your palate with one of them."

"Do I have to peel it?"

"No."

"Oh, okay.", Jim hesitantly bit off one of the spikes, crunching it between his teeth. His eyes went wide for a minute. "It's good!"

Within seconds the rest of the fruit was gone and another fifteen minutes later, the other fruits Spock had brought were eaten too. Jim sighed contently as he fell back against the pillows; his mouth was smeared with with violet juice, for he had eaten the fruit so enthusiastically, that it had seeped out rather messily. His hands were stained and a few drops had even landed on Spock's blue pillow.

"Spock? Jim?", Mother opened the door, her eyes twinkling with suppressed laughter, when she saw Jim's dirtied face. "Ah, I see you have eaten, young man?"

"Yeah, I dunno what though, but it was yummy!"

Spock frowned at the strange word, but did not question it. "What did the Council say, Mother?"

Jim grabbed for his hand beneath the duvet, clutching it close.

"He is allowed to stay.", Father stepped into the room, eyes on Jim. "But you will have to follow our ways, Jim. This is not Earth. It is different here, do you understand?"

Spock could see his Mother roll her eyes and wink at them from behind Father. Jim grinned and nodded enthusiastically. "I understand."

Father did not answer, but turned and left. Jim blinked, then sunk a little lower in his place on the bed. "He doesn't like me, huh?"

"He's always like that, Jimmy. Don't mind him.", Mother smiled gently. "Just try to follow the rules when Sarek is present and everything will turn out okay. I promise you."

"I'll try, Mrs... uhm..."

"Amanda, honey, just Amanda.", she turned towards the door again. "I will make some soup for you two; you both look like you could use it. Spock, you should show Jim the bathroom and let him wash up, before his face stays violet permanently."

With that, she left. Jim waited until the door had closed, before he voiced his joy and relief with a loud; 'Yes!'. A momet later, Spock found himself in Jim's tight embrace and was quick to reciprocate.

"We can stay together now!"

"Yes."

"This is going to be so cool; we can be best friends forever."

"Illogical."

"Shush."

Spock did shush and squeezed Jim just a tad tigher in his arms. Best friends.

Forever.

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><p>I might edit this thing again, I'm not quite satisfied with the ending yet. *sighs* It's blaaah...<p>

But hope it was at least _okay_. I looked through that thing in the morning before going to universiy, so there might be errors... like always.


	5. Chapter 1: I Get So Lost Sometimes

Yes, this is indeed, the first chapter. No tiny Jim and Spock anymore, but someone expressed their wish to read more things about them. There _will _be more scenes of their childhood days in this fiction, but merely short memories. As for now, enjoy the stupid plot device everyone knows of.

Blame that on my friend Bri, she's the one responsible for my craziness.

Also, I want to thank everyone for the kind reviews, I appreciate every single one of them and I'm sorry if I don't respond to some. [Is that even required? Because I feel really bad for not responding...]

Sorry for every error you may find in the text...

Uhm. Anyway. Enjoy.

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Chapter 1: i get so lost sometimes

Spock was woken by a rather loud, disturbing crash, issuing from somewhere close to either the kitchen or the living-room. He sat up listening closely to his surroundings, before he slid from the bed, suppressing a shudder, when he found the floor to be cold. The heating must have malfunctioned once again.

"_Jim, how old do you have to get to understand, that you cannot use this chair to stand upon!_"

"_Another year, probably, Manda_."

"_You're seventeen, Jimmy, at least try to make an effort, I am sick of you falling off this thing and scaring the daylights out of everyone in this household!_"

Spock sighed in the privacy of his rooms. Jim must have been trying to use the uneven chair to reach the upper cupboards again. Sometimes, Spock was almost certain that Jim did this on purpose, just to wake everyone in the vicinity up.

Spock quickly washed and dressed himself before walking towards the commotion. Jim was sitting on the kitchen-floor, a bowl filled with plomeek-roots idling in front of his crossed legs while he crushed the vegetables with the therefore necessary utensil. His fingers were already covered in orange flakes, the skin tainted with the same colouration.

"Morning.", Spock said as he stepped fully into the kitchen.

Jim looked up, a bright smile on his tanned face. "Finally! We thought you had fallen into coma or something."

Spock lifted an eyebrow. "Indeed."

"Do you want to help us cook, Spock?", his Mother turned around from her place by the stove to smile at him.

Her hair was undone and cascaded down her back in heavy, brown curls; the robe she wore was tied loosely over the soft dress she had put on. Spock let her kiss him on the cheek, before he shook his head. "You remember that I am... not very adept at cooking, Mother."

Jim snorted. "Yeah, Captain Obvious, as if the soup-disaster three years ago wasn't an indication of that."

"Oh, you two, I know that I was being nice. What should I have said? _Good morning, Spock, how about you sit down in that chair and watch us cook, because all you do is wreck mayhem in the kitchen_?"

Jim was laughing in earnest now.

Spock barely kept himself from sighing; he sank down beside Jim. "You will be occupying the bathroom for a long time, if you wish to remove the plomeek fibre from underneath your fingernails."

"Yeah, I know.", Jim grinned at him, blue eyes sparkling with mirth.

It had surprised everyone, but even though Jim had grown up surrounded by Vulcans, he had never stopped behaving like the Human he was. Spock assumed it had to do with his Mother's influence and the fact, that Jim was simply unable to claim reign over his emotions. However, whenever they would visit Shi'kahr, Jim would fall silent, his face blank and the hood of his robe, which was used to keep his delicate human skin from getting burned in Vulcan's harsh sun, would cast a deep shadow over his fine features.

In the past years, his Father's program had been accepted by the Council and Jim received citizenship to Vulcan. They refused to let him attend any kind of school though, reasoning their decision with the fact that Jim was _simply not Vulcan_ and therefore not able to follow their teachings. Spock had tried to argue against this decision, but his Father had told him to accept it. It left Jim's education in the hands of Spock's Mother. Spock himself, who was more than willing to teach Jim everything he learned and deemed necessary to know, did so on every occasion he could, using this as a silent way to defy his Father and the Council.

Spock felt his eyes drop down to linger on Jim's dirty hands, watching how they gripped the pestle tightly. Without truly thinking about his actions, he reached out to drag his forefinger down Jim's knuckles.

Jim lifted his head, blinking twice, before smiling. "Aw, I love you, too, Spock."

Spock felt his ears flush. Jim laughed and leaned his head against his shoulder. "You're so funny when you're flustered. What was that about?"

He was reluctant to answer because of the simple reason that he did not know why he did what he just did. It was... disconcerting to say the least. "I am not sure."

Jim sat up a little to look at him, brows drawn together. "...Are you okay? You've been acting weirder than usual lately."

"I am adequate.", Spock answered, standing again. "Mother, is Father home?"

"No, Spock, he already left to meet with the Council.", Mother had turned around to look at him with carefully drawn eyebrows. "Why?"

"I was merely asking."

"Does it have to do with the bonding ceremony?", Jim asked quietly.

"Jim.", Mother scolded. "We talked about this. I am of the same opinion as you, but it has to be done."

"It's just not fair! Spock should be able to choose for himself! And we didn't talk about this, you just told me that it was for Spock's own good and that it would be detrimental to his health in the future. If that isn't digression in its purest form, I don't-"

"Jim!", the wooden spoon his Mother had used to stir the contents of the pot with was placed harshly onto the counter. "Stop this at once! I know all of this, I know how you feel, but this is not Earth, things are different here, I had to learn this for myself. The bonding will happen, whether or not you and I are against it, do you understand? It is not only Spock's health I am worried about, it's his life I am fearing for, now stop this unnecessary act of- Jim, Jim where are you- come back here young man, I am not finished with- _James_!"

Spock watched as Jim scrambled to his feet, knocking over the bowl of plomeek, as he pushed past him to run out of the kitchen. A door was opened and closed with a hissing sound. Mother hid her eyes behind one of her shaking hands. "Mother..."

"I am fine, Spock."

"_Fine_ is not an adequate description of one's state, for it can mean many things."

She chuckled. "I know, my precious. Maybe you should go after him. I don't want him to get hurt like last time..."

Spock hid the wince that threatened to show. He remembered it very clearly. It had happened 8.2 years ago; Jim and Mother had had an illogical discussion about why Jim was not allowed to follow Spock and his Father into the desert to visit the crystal-caves. Jim refused to accept her explanation of how his body was still too small to receive the amount of tri-ox necessary to withstand the walk down to the caves. Finally, Jim stormed out much like he had now. The whole debacle ended with Jim falling off the garden-wall, while trying to climb over it, resulting in a broken arm and a concussion.

"Very well."

"Thank you...", Mother knelt down where Jim had spilled the plomeek.

Spock contemplated helping her first, but the way her shoulders shook with tension, he was certain that she wished to be left alone for a while.

Finding Jim was never a chore for Spock. It was as if they were connected through an invisible line that pulled them together. The reason for this was most likely the fact, that they had spent almost their entire life together. They simply knew each other too well to not know what the other would be doing in these kinds of situations.

Jim was sitting on one of the rocks placed within the garden for decorative purposes; I-Chaya had curled up around him, the giant head resting in Jim's lap. Spock watched Jim stroke the thick fur on the sehlat's forehead, hearing the low, growling purr he emitted.

Spock made his way up the jagged, red stone-formation until he stood beside the one and only person he called _friend_; the one word he had gladly accepted into his vocabulary for the sore reason to have something to name the connection he shared with the boy whom meant more to him than anyone else.

"Jim?"

Jim heaved a sigh and turned his head to look at him. His eyes were dulled and he seemed almost dejected. "I'm sorry."

"Apologies are illogical."

The blond chuckled dryly. "I should have known you'd say that. I just... I can't accept this, not without a good explanation. Why do you have to... to bond with that girl, you don't even know her! Why won't you tell me what the necessity is that everyone is talking about? I've been living with you for almost thirteen years now! Don't you trust me?"

"12.7 years."

"_Spock_!"

"Jim, you know I trust you.", Spock sat down facing Jim. "But this is a matter that Vulcans do not speak about with... uninvolved parties."

"But I am involved! You are my best friend, we're practically brothers! Amanda said you could die if you didn't bond, Spock, please, what is going on?", Jim's voice had cracked half-way through, leaving a cold ball of guilt within Spock's stomach.

"It... it is difficult to speak of, Jim."

Jim bit his lip, his warm fingers latching onto Spock's wrist. _Confusion_ and the bitter taste of _fear _filtered through the contact. "What is?"

"Jim, have you... maybe...", Spock cursed himself mentally for stammering. "Have you ever heard of Pon Farr?"

He received a slow blink and allowed himself a small sigh. "It is... the Vulcan mating cycle. It occurs every-"

"Every seven years, yeah, that I know. But what does that have to do with you suddenly having to bond, even though your parents said you didn't have to while you were younger? Why now?", Jim tugged on his arm gently, urging Spock to answer. "Spock?"

"My parents did not bond me when I was young, because they hoped that my human heritage would be strong enough to spare me the Pon Farr. But they were wrong. Yesterday, Father sent me to a Healer to assess my mental development, because I... I..."

"You what?", Jim leaned forward, eyes darkened by the emotions swirling within them.

"I have noticed that I give in to illogical impulses, impulses I normally suppress. You have witnessed one of them today."

"You mean the touching. The one you did while we were in the kitchen. Right?"

"Yes."

"So what does that mean?", Jim sounded impatient, but Spock could feel that it was just a way to cover the dread that had taken the younger man over. "So you gave me a one-finger kiss, big deal, we did that a lot when we were children."

"But we have grown and I do not express myself to you in this way any more. I am losing conrol and this means that I will experience Pon Farr in the near future. If an unbonded Vulcan goes through Pon Farr, they will slip into Plak Tow, the blood-fever. They will lose their mind and finally die.", Spock could feel his ears heating up and he knew they would be bright green by now. "That is why my father wants me to bond with T'Pring."

Jim stared at him, a strange shadow passed over his face and suddenly, all that Spock could feel through their contact was the warmth of Jim's skin. He had raised the shields he had asked Spock to help him build. "Oh. So basically, Sarek forces you to marry a complete stranger, to save you from going mental from sexual frustration?"

Spock ducked his head to hide the growing green hue across his cheeks.

Jim hand slipped from his and the next second he was pulled forward into a loose embrace. "This sucks."

"Indeed."

"Is there no other way?"

"No... Father has scheduled the bonding ceremony to be held in three days."

"So soon?", Jim whispered.

Spock placed a hand against Jim's side, feeling the ribs shift and expand with every slow breath the blond took. "I apologise for not informing you."

"It's okay.", Spock closed his eyes as Jim's voice vibrated against his ear. "I guess it _is_ pretty awkward to talk about. But it's your own damn fault, you stupid Vulcans are so repressed it's a wonder you're not walking backwards."

Spock's mouth twitched upwards. "Illogical."

"I know.", Jim chuckled and let go, a strange, shuttered look in his eyes, even as he smiled brightly.

"We should go back, Mother will worry."

Jim turned his gaze to the side. "Not yet. I... I still need to... I still need some time; this isn't easy for me Spock. I know I'm being selfish here, but you're my best friend and..."

The way Jim trailed off promised that there was more he did not tell Spock, but he did not dare to pry further. Jim had always been hard to understand, even when they were wandering through the joined spaces of their minds while melding after Jim had experienced another of his frequent nightmares.

"Jim, I will not leave you, you know this, do you not?"

Jim smiled faintly, before it grew into a broad grin. "Yeah... yeah I know. Geez, Spock, you're getting _married_, let me get over that, stop being pushy."

"Jim..."

"Spock, look. I'll be fine. You're the one who's gonna die if you don't bond. I'm just freaking out, because I grew up with you around and now... now it's going to change and you know I'm right, I mean, surely T'Pring won't be too amused about us melding everyday for fun."

Spock inclined his head. "You are right."

"And hey... maybe she's not that bad. I'm pretty sure Sarek wouldn't hook you up with some random chick that has no style."

Spock shook his head. "It amazes me everyday how you were able to develop such a curious speech-pattern when all you speak to are Mother and me."

"Hey, I talk to the Humans living down in the Second House too, you know? Mostly when you're at the Academy, because, as much as I love tending to the house and the garden, it can get kinda boring talking to plants."

"Ah. That would explain it, of course."

"I met that one guy, his name's Leonard, but I just call him Bones. He was going to be a doctor on Earth, you know? He says, he can't really remember how he got here, only that one moment; he was on the phone with his girlfriend to break up with her and the next he's being taken away by some guys that don't speak his language. Klingons, probably. He was twenty-three back then or something, he's been here for like... three years. He still hasn't gotten the hang of the Vulcan language yet, so he has to wear the translator.", Jim laughed. "He calls Vulcans 'pointy-eared hobgoblins' can you imagine that? He's really odd, but cool in his own grumpy, scowling sort of way. I think we're slowly becoming friends."

Spock stiffened. "I see."

Jim tilted his head. "What's wrong?"

Spock did not know. Somehow his body had tensed up, his hands clenching into fists, so tightly, that his knuckles turned white and all this had happened against Spock's will. Jim touched his shoulder gently and he relaxed again, leaning faintly into the touch. For a few minutes, they did not speak.

Finally Spock stood, hands behind his back as he straightened up, looking down at Jim. "I will return home. You should come with me."

Jim nodded, patting I-Chayas head, before gently nudging the sehlat away to get to his feet. "Let's go... is Manda mad at me?"

"No, I believe she feels guilty for speaking to you in the way she did."

Rubbing a hand over his eyes, Jim reached out to latch onto Spock's sleeve. "I feel really bad for running out on her like that. I know it isn't easy for her either... I just... fuck... I just... I get so lost sometimes...all this traditions and rules..."

"Jim, you are Human and it is only logical that it is difficult for you to accept our way of life-"

"I grew up here, Spock. I accepted your constant poker-faces, , the stupid 'I have no emotions, they are illogical' crap, the way you talk, that I can't go to school, because I lack pointy ears and that my hands turn orange everytime I have to make your favourite dish. And I don't mind... but this? Hell, this is an arranged marriage; this is taking your right for making your own decisions, even though it will affect the entire span of your life."

Spock closed his eyes for a moment. "Jim, I knew that this would happen eventually, I always did. I will not deny that I hoped it would not occur, but I accepted the fact that it did. Please, do not make yourself suffer like this simply for my sake. I believe my Father would have arranged a marriage whether or not I had to go through the Time. I am the heir of the First House, it is my duty to continue the line."

Jim scoffed. "You're such a fucking martyr, Spock, it's not even funny."

"Jim. It is the Vulcan way."

"I know. I know, okay? I fucking know. And I hate it. _I hate it_."

The next second, Jim was running away from him, Spock froze in his tracks, watching Jim disappear in the vast garden surrounding their home. He felt his shoulders sag as the golden mop of hair vanished from his sight, leaving him alone and helpless.

He should have known Jim would react this way. The blond had always been the kind of person to walk above everyone else's expectations, to find his own way to do things and work around unsolvable problems. But at the same time, every failure seemed to hit Jim twice as hard. This was the last drop in the metaphorical glass of the constant throw-backs Jim had received in his life upon Vulcan. It had finally spilled over and there was no one to blame but nature itself.

With a heavy sigh, Spock started his way back to the First House to tell his Mother, that Jim had run away yet again. She would be feeling even guiltier then and start cooking for when Jim came home, using all of their stocked food. Just like last time.

Spock felt a headache coming. Humans could be incredibly exhausting sometimes.

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><p>Uhm... I think I officially messed up the story now, right?<p> 


	6. Chapter 2: I Want To Run Away

*bites lip to stop spoilers*

I won't answer any questions asked in reviews that may reveal where this piece of madness is heading.

I apologise for any errors, it's quite late over here and I'm only staying awake through sheer force of will.

*bows*

Enjoy chapter 2.

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Chapter 2: i want to run away

Jim growled as he stomped further into the vegetation of the First House's garden. He knew he had behaved like a spoiled brat, but he could not help himself. This was his best friend getting married off to some faceless Vulcan girl, just because...

Jim sighed. That was the problem. There was no 'just because'. There was _no other way_. It was a no-win situation and that was exactly what was gnawing at his insides at the moment. No matter which way he turned, it always ended in Spock either dying or getting bonded. It _always_ ended in Spock being taken away from him.

Life sucked.

He kicked a pebble away from the small path trailing through the grass.

It was times like these, that he wondered, what would have happened if he had not been allowed to stay. What would his life be like now? Would he be at school, have a girlfriend, a boyfriend? He did not know, he would never know.

He did not want to know, because that would mean that he would never have gotten to spend his life with Spock.

Suddenly, he felt incredibly hopeless. Spock had to bond. If he did not want him to die, he had to let go. But how do you let someone go that was practically _everything_ to you?

It was ridiculous. _He _was ridiculous. Spock would live, that was all that mattered, was it not? Then why was it so difficult to just accept that damn Vulcan tradition?

The answer to that question was simple; even though he did grow up here, surrounded by emotionally repressed _elve_s, Amanda had seen to that he was barely confronted with their way of raising children. She treated him like the little boy he was back then and he made up for all the things Spock could not give her. Meaning, he would cling to her, babble about nonsensical things and proudly tell her, whenever he managed to learn few more things from Spock, that he, being _only Human_, should not have been able to understand.

Amanda had willingly agreed to live the Vulcan way to stay with Sarek. That, of course, did not mean she had to agree with everything they thought was logical and good, but she never openly argued with Sarek about it. She had chosen her love on Vulcan over her freedom on Earth and did not regret it in the least.

Jim had never been confronted with that kind of choice. Not really. Even if Sarek wanted him to honour their way of living, which he did, while the Vulcan was present, he did not care to live by it when he was gone. Because, Sarek may have been the reason why he was able to stay, it was Spock he was staying for and Spock never asked him to change a single thing about the way he was.

Jim scoffed. He strolled down the thin track until he reached the clearing in the middle of the garden.

There he sat on the bench beneath one of the Makroa-trees, staring at their thin, tendril-like branches as they swayed in the warm breeze. Jim ran a hand through his hair. He would need to go back home eventually. Amanda had probably started to cook every dish she knew because she felt guilty and Spock would be pacing a hole into the floor in the living-room because he was _not-worried_. Jim felt like the scum of Vulcan for behaving the way he did. It was no one's fault that Vulcans had to go through that stupid mating cycle. It sounded kind of hilarious, now that Jim thought about it, if only it would not prove itself lethal in the long term.

Jim groaned and buried his head in his hands.

Stupid Pon Farr.

He stood and slowly made his way back home.

The door was unlocked and he slipped inside without acknowledging the guard standing rigidly beside the front door. Jim toed out of his shoes and left them lying haphazardly in the anteroom, before he scurried onwards to get to his room.

"Jim?", Spock's voice drifted towards him. He was sorely tempted to turn around, throw himself at his best friend and never let go.

Instead he locked his jaws and jogged up to stairs to get to his room. Upon reaching it, he slipped inside and locked the door. Jim plopped down on the giant bed, the huge amount of pillows threatening to suffocate him. How was he supposed to face Spock or even Amanda when he felt like he was five years old again and had the articulation skills of a trained chimpanzee at the moment?

A knock on his door made him jump and he sat up quickly. "Yeah?"

"Jim, may I come inside?"

"Uh...", Jim sighed in defeat. "Computer, unlock the door."

The house computer gave a confirming beep and the door slid open with a soft hiss. Spock stood outside, hands clasped behind his back, a carefully blank look on his face.

Jim crossed his arms self-consciously. "Well? Come on in."

Spock stepped inside, letting the door shut behind him. "Jim, I... I do not know how to help you, but believe me; it is just as difficult for me to do this."

"Yeah, I'm sorry, Spock, I'm being childish.", Jim drew his legs up to curl his knees against his chest protectively. "You should just ignore my stupid mood until this mess is over with. This is making me go all crazy and weird. I want to run away, for fuck's sake, I _never_ run away because of something like that."

"I will not ignore you, Jim, you know this.", Spock sat down gingerly beside him, just close enough for Jim to feel the coolness of his body without touching him. "And you have forgotten the five times you have run away because of 'something like that'."

Jim had to smile. Spock could deny it for all he wanted, but Jim just knew he loved teasing him, he could practically _feel_ the smirk that hid within those stoically straight lips.

"Yeah, yeah, alright, I know."

Spock straightened a little. Smug Vulcan. Jim decided to change the subject.

"Let me guess, Manda has been cooking since I've been gone, right?"

"Indeed. You should go down to see her, Jim. She is quite upset.", Spock's hand twitched, as if he wanted to reach out to Jim, but he did not.

Jim bit his lip then nodded. "Okay. Are you coming with me?"

Spock hesitated, before shaking his head once. "No. I will go back to my room to meditate."

Jim swallowed. "Oh. Okay. See you at dinner then."

He watched Spock leave and felt cold. Spock had been meditating a lot for a few weeks now and it worried him. Jim knew next to nothing about Pon Farr. All he had managed to find about that so called mating-cycle was that it occurred every seven years and was a 'private matter not to be spoken off in front of outsiders'. He could not look for the signs, since he did not even know if there were any.

Jim got to his feet and padded downstairs to confront Amanda in the kitchen.

She stood in front of the stove, shoulders tense, her usually perfectly groomed hair was bundled up in a loose bun on top of her head and Jim felt even worse. The haphazardly done hair was just another indication how extremely distraught she was.

"Manda?"

Amanda turned half-way towards him, eyes slightly reddened. "Jimmy..."

Without thinking, he crossed the space between them and fell into her reaching arms, burying his face against her soft shoulder. "'m sorry."

"Ssh...", she held him close. "I'm sorry too; I shouldn't have exploded on you like that."

"'s okay."

"No, that was unfair; I know Spock and you are very close. Maybe even closer than Spock and I ever were. He trusts you.", Amanda tilted his head up gently to look into his eyes. "But there is no other way to solve this."

"I know.", Jim whispered and ducked his head again to hide the tears of frustration building behind his eyes.

She did not speak again, simply swayed him from side to side, one slender hand pressed against the back of his head to keep his face hidden against her shoulder.

He remembered the first nightmare he had while Spock was gone from the premises to accompany his Father to a meeting. Trying to keep quiet, he had lain in bed, biting his lip bloody, until he could not stop himself anymore and started sobbing. Somehow, Amanda had known and was in his room mere seconds later. She had crawled into bed with him, shushing him as he cried, until he relaxed in the circle of her slender arms and fell back asleep.

_It will be alright_, she had said back then.

Yes. It would be alright. Someday.

They parted after what seemed like hours; Jim wiped his wet eyes bashfully. "I feel like an idiot."

Amanda tapped a finger against his nose. "You're not. You're concerned for your friend; everyone behaves rather... oh, _illogical_ in these kinds of situations."

"Spock too?", Jim grinned, raising his eyebrows; he would never get the hang of raising only one of them.

He had a theory that it was a genetically hereditable trait and that Vulcans had practised it for so long, that it was like blinking to them. Jim bit his lip. Yeah. That sounded very logical. No wonder everyone in this household thought he would be a terrible Vulcan. He _sucked_ at taking things seriously!

"You remember when you decided to go and see the Figures of Surak at the Da-Kuv Square? You just walked off without telling us where you were going. Spock was so anxious, he ran through the city in search for you without thinking twice where you might have disappeared to. In the end, you were both gone and it was just pure luck that you had found each other and decided to stay put."

Jim licked his lips. It had not been _pure luck_, at least not on his side. He knew where Spock was, always. It was like a Spock-radar had been installed in his head. And from the way, Spock managed to find him every single time he decided to hide from the world he guessed Spock had some kind of radar too.

"Heh, yeah."

Amanda smiled. "Alright... well, it seems like we have to go grocery-shopping tomorrow. I... seem to have used everything edible in this kitchen... again."

Jim looked away sheepishly. "Sorry."

She laughed. "I was the one cooking, Jimmy, not you."

"Yeah, but it was my fault that you did what you did."

"How about we forget about the whole thing and just appreciate that we will have enough food for dinner to invite someone?"

"Oh, can we ask Caator to come?"

"Sure.", Amanda turned her attention back to the stove. "I will call him later. Oh, Jimmy, before you go, can you take some Krays up to Spock's room, he's not been eating well, I am worried."

"Uh. Sure... Amanda?"

"Yes?"

"H-how do I notice if... if it gets worse, I mean... when he..."

"Oh.", Amanda stilled. "Well... I witnessed only Sarek's Pon Farr twice so far, so... I do not know if it is the same for all Vulcans. You know how secretive they are. Sarek tends to become very quiet at first, he meditates constantly and when we are alone, he starts to cling; his temperature also rises a little. I guess Spock has reached this stage already, or is about to."

"How does it go on?"

Amanda coloured slightly. "Ah... you know that Vulcans are... very possessive of their mates, they become aggressive and practically everyone that looks even remotely like they could be a threat is seen as an enemy. Sarek usually just growls, but one time he almost attacked one of the guards because he was apparently standing too close to me. And after that phase is over too... well, let's say I was not able to leave the bedroom for about a week."

Jim blinked slowly, then rubbed his eyes. "My brain. My eyes. Oh fuck, I'm mentally scarred, blind, _destroyed_. What have you done!"

Amanda laughed heartily. "Oh, darling, I am sorry, you wanted to know!"

"Next time I ask something like that, don't answer me!", Jim groaned.

Fleeing the kitchen with Amanda's laughter echoing after him, he made his way up the large staircase to visit Spock and deliver the fruits he had taken with him. The door was locked and when he knocked, no one answered him.

Oh well, two could play that game. He quickly overrode the lock manually and watched in satisfaction as the door opened. Spock sat in the middle of the room, wearing a pair of loose, black pants and no shirt. Jim blinked, blushing involuntarily. He had never noticed just how muscular Spock was, or how his pale skin stretched across his biceps... and why the hell was he even thinking about that?

A pair of chocolate brown eyes blinked open and stared at him dazedly, before clearing a moment later. "Jim? What are you doing here?"

"Uh... your Mom send me up to tell you to eat. I brought some Kray.", Jim sat down a few feet away from Spock, holding out one of the violet fruits.

Spock took it mechanically, looking down at the spiky Kray. "Thank you."

"You feeling okay? I mean... as okay as you can feel right now?"

"I am adequate."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure. How are you _really_?"

Spock sighed softly and nibbled on a spike. Jim waited patiently. "I... I am unsure."

Jim nodded. "Okay. Look, if I... can help you in some way, I'll try okay? I'm really sorry about the way I acted before, I wasn't... wasn't thinking."

Spock latched his forefinger and thumb around Jim's wrist, startling him momentarily. "I have told you, it is alright."

Jim stared down at their joined hands. Spock almost never initiated contact if it was not necessary. The feel of Spock's smooth skin confused him for a moment, before he remembered what Amanda had said. He felt not difference in temperature. Spock's hand was cold, like always.

"_Can I sleep here?"_

"_Wha... oh hey, Spock, did you have a nightmare?"_

"_No, I am merely cold, I believe the heating-system has malfunctioned, I am unable to raise the temperature in my room.", Jim watched as Spock climbed gracefully onto his bed, sliding under the blankets and sighing with relief, when his icy toes touched Jim's much warmer ones. "Your outer temperature is much higher than mine, I concluded, that I would be able to sleep if I stayed with you."_

_Jim giggled. "You could have just said you wanted to cuddle!"_

"Jim."

"Hm?"

"You are doing it again."

"Ah, sorry, but it just came to my mind.", Jim grinned. "I forgot how easy I transfer."

Spock shook his head mildly, eyes softened in a way, that Jim had never seen before. He furrowed his brows, trying to determine where he had seen this particular look before, then squeaked as he was pulled a little closer by his hand.

"_Oh_!"

Spock blinked, then let go almost as if he had been burned. His whole demeanour had changed it the blink of an eye. Instead of being open and relaxed, he was now trembling with suppressed tension, his eyes darkened until they were almost black. Jim shrunk back, ducking his head slightly to show that he was not a threat. It was a gesture he learned while playing with I-Chaya. After getting reprimanded by Sarek more than once, he found that it also worked with Vulcans. Now, he hoped that it would also work on the half-Vulcan fuming quietly before him.

"S-Spock?"

"You should go."

Jim looked up, brows furrowed; he placed the remaining Kray fruits onto the floor in front of him and stood carefully. "Why? What's wrong?"

"Leave, please.", Spock sounded as if he was speaking through clenched teeth.

Jim took a wary step backwards. "Spock..."

"Leave, Jim.", the Vulcan-hybrid's voice sounded harsher than usual, causing Jim to wince.

"But-"

"_Trasha_!", Spock barked, face visibly contorted with anger.

Jim staggered against the closed door in shock, eyes wide; he hit the wall-panel to disengage the lock and quickly scrambled out of the room, mind set on getting as far away from Spock as possible. He had never been afraid of Spock before. He had always felt safe around him, no matter how annoyed the Vulcan-hybrid was with him. But... Spock had also never raised his voice at him like this until now.

It scared him.

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><p><em>trasha<em>; to go out of or away from; to go without taking or removing [taken from the VLD] -also not mine.

Yeah.


	7. Chapter 3: Whichever Way I Go

I should really stop spewing chapters like that. But I can't help myself.

There might be lots of errors here, I dunno, but you are free to point them out to me =)

Thanks for all the kind reviews, your are awesome.

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Chapter 3: whichever way i go

Spock found himself curled up underneath his bed in the morning. Furrowing his brows, he crawled out from beneath the dusty space and stretched his sore muscles. This had never happened before, why would he fall asleep in such a demeaning position?

As he made his way to the bathroom, he thought back. Jim had not spoken to him at dinner, merely to Caator and Mother. Understandable, if one considered the way Spock had acted towards him before they had been called down to eat. Jim probably thought he was too dangerous to even consider opening his mouth to.

Spock stepped into the shower and adjusted the temperature. He could feel how the control over his emotions slip more and more each day. Contemplating whether or not Jim was safe to stay while he was around, he turned off the shower and dried himself off quickly.

The mirror above the sink reflected a face he barely recognised. His eyes were almost black, the skin around them was slightly green and the dark circles beneath the lower lids made him look even paler. He gripped the sides of the sink tightly. He was Vulcan, he had to be _in control_ constantly; this was unacceptable

Spock dressed slowly, before he stepped out of his room.

Jim stood frozen in the hallway in front of him, one hand raised as if to knock. Spock lifted an eyebrow tentatively. "Morning, Jim."

Jim's arm fell back to his side and he let out a heavy sigh, before a relieved smile spread over his full lips. "Good morning, Spock. Are... are you feeling better? I tried to give you some space, since I clearly made you uncomfortable yesterday, uhm..."

Spock's side ached with painful guilt. Jim had only been trying to help him. "I am well. I... I must apologise for the way I treated you, I should not have reacted in this way. It was unbecoming for a Vulcan."

"Well, good you're only half-Vulcan, then.", Jim winked and jerked his head towards the staircase. "How about we go down and eat some breakfast, I'm starving."

Spock raised the second eyebrow. He sometimes wondered how Jim managed to eat the amount of food he ate. Amanda had always urged Jim to eat, because he was rather malnourished as a child. But even though Jim ate like a starved le-matya, in the end he had stayed 5.9 inches smaller than Spock and barely escaped being called thin. Mother still had hopes that Jim would grow some more but Spock did not care either way.

"Very well, let us go.", Spock clasped his hands behind his back and waited until Jim had bounded onwards to the stairs, before following him at a leisure pace.

Mother was standing in the kitchen, hands resting on her hips as she stared at the empty cupboards which usually burst with food. "Oh boys, we have to go to Shi'kahr, I got barely enough left to make breakfast..."

Jim chuckled faintly. "Alright. Do we get to eat what's left, before we go, or...?"

"There's some milk and plomeek broth lfrom yesterday, if you like."

"Awesome."

15.3 minutes later, they were seated in the dining-room, finishing their improvised breakfast.

"Jim, you are never going to learn how to eat plomeek without getting it all over yourself, hm?"

"It's hard okay, I'm sorry, this thing pretends to stay on my spoon and then randomly drips off! It's like a curse or something.", Jim whined.

"You are merely taking too much soup onto your spoon-"

"Shut up, Spock, it's a curse, I know it is!"

Spock suddenly had the distinct urge to let his head drop onto the table in exasperation, but refrained. It would be rather illogical and probably quite painful. "If you say so, Jim."

Mother chuckled. "Alright you two, if you are finished, put your dishes in the sink and get ready."

12.2 minutes after they had done so, Mother ushered them into the hover-car. Jim started humming halfway to the city and Spock was unsure whether or not he was annoyed by it. Deciding it was more aggravating than pleasant, he gently nudged Jim's arm to stop him. He got a sheepish smile as response and a warm hand that rested briefly on his clothed arm.

Silence fell over them, before Jim turned to look at him. "Hey, Spock?"

He was speaking very quietly, throwing cautious glances towards Mother sitting in the driver's seat.

"Yes?", Spock whispered.

"Nobody knows about us melding, right? Not even the Healer?"

"I have shielded these particular memories and thoughts from the Healer; he could not have seen them without breaking these shields forcefully."

Jim smiled. "Okay."

Spock nodded. They had kept their frequent melds a secret, since it was not something a Vulcan did with another if they were not bonded. Jim and Spock had grown accustomed to share minds at least once a week for they found that it helped relieve the stress Spock brought with him everytime he returned from the Academy and kept Jim's night terrors at a minimum. Sometimes however, they just did so because it felt right.

Shi'kahr greeted them with the soft murmur of a Vulcan city. Those who already roamed the streets did so with the relaxation of having had a well rested night.

Jim had pulled the hood of his sand-coloured robe over his blond hair, shadowing his face. Spock watched Jim's usual transformation from the loud, brash boy he was at home to the stoic man he pretended to be in public. It always unsettled him how Jim's bright smile vanished and his face became expressionless, leaving his eyes dull and grey.

They strolled down towards the market, Spock kept close to Jim, perturbed by how often somebody rushed past him or accidentally brushed his arm. He had never noticed before.

Jim turned his head slightly towards him. "Are you alright?"

"I am adequate."

Jim inclined his head to acknowledge his answer, but did not speak again.

They let Mother walk about the market, following her dutifully as she bought groceries. As they stood by a fruit stand, Jim took a step backwards, surprising the person passing behind him and causing them to collide. Spock reacted without thinking, pulling Jim forwards against himself, before Jim could fall, while he glared at the other man. The stranger blinked, looking mildly surprised beneath the broad hat he wore, before he left as fast as he could without seeming hasty.

Jim rested limply in his arms, head pressed against Spock's collarbone. "Spock...?"

He only just kept himself from purring in reply. "Yes?"

"What are you doing?"

"You were about to fall.", Spock adjusted his grip on Jim.

"Yeah, but I'm fine now, so why are you still holding me? Not that I have anything against it, but you're usually not that touchy-feely.", Jim lifted his head and his eyes sparkled with a mixture of mirth and confusion, chasing the grey away that had settled there.

Spock let him step back, but kept a hand wrapped around Jim's elbow.

"You can let go, Spock, really."

_No, he could not_.

"Since you seem to be unable to walk on your own, I deem it necessary to assist you."

"You just want to embarrass me, admit it, you smug Vulcan.", Jim quipped, the edges of his mouth curling up just slightly.

"Illogical.", Spock answered and looked up.

Mother was staring at them with pensive eyes, her mouth somewhere between a smile and a frown. It confused him; what was she thinking about?

Jim shook his head and fell quiet. He did not brush off Spock's hand, for which he was grateful; he was unable to even think about letting Jim go, but he could not figure out why he felt like this. Maybe the hormonal confusion his body was going through urged him to latch onto someone to anchor himself and it just happened to be Jim, because they were already close.

Yes, this must be the reason.

They left Shi'kahr 2.3 hours later, returning home to the outskirts of the city. Mother had refused to live in the centre of Shi'kahr to avoid the constant looks she was given while Humans had still been a rare sight on Vulcan back then and, of course, to escape the press. Apparently, no matter what planet one would visit, the thirst for knowledge and the fascination for the richer people's lives where always present. That was why the First House had moved to a more secluded place, soon followed by the Second and the Third, after they had noticed that it was easier to keep their privacy _and_ their secrets this way.

After the groceries had been moved into their respectable places, Jim took Spock outside to sit in their usual place beside the small pond at the very back of the garden.

The blond had lain out on the soft grass, staring at the glass doming above them, shielding the precious plants from the harsh sun by filtering the heat and UV-radiation. Spock wondered if the garden had been build simply for his Mother, because he could not picture his Father tending to any kind of plant.

Spock sat beside Jim, legs crossed as he watched the Human stretch his arms high above him, back arching off the ground, before he relaxed and slumped back as if every bone had been removed from his body, leaving him sprawled out carelessly.

"Hey, Spock."

"Yes?"

"Do you think we will still be friends after... after you're bonded to T'Pring?"

Spock contemplated the question, ignoring the tight feeling in his chest. "I see no reason why we should not stay friends."

"Because you're going to have other, more important things to do; you're probably going to move out, build your own family."

"Jim, you will always be a part of my family, just like my parents are."

"Of course, I'm going to be the cool uncle to your children. I'm going to teach them everything I know."

Spock almost shuddered. "I do not know what is more disconcerting. That you have thought about T'Pring and I having children, or the fact, that you intend to teach them."

Jim laughed loudly; Spock watched the dimples form on his cheeks.

His shirt had slipped upwards, exposing the flat expanse of his abdomen. Three freckles sat just above the jutting hipbone and Spock gave into the urge to touch the smooth skin they blemished. Jim jolted slightly, drawing a hissing breath through his teeth.

"_Damn_, Spock, you have ice-fingers, at least warn me!"

Spock pulled his hand away again. "I apologise. I have never noticed the constellation of darker pigmentation upon your abdomen before."

"Yeah, well, it's not like I run around top-less all the time.", Jim grinned.

Spock blinked slowly. "Indeed."

Jim's face softened and he reached out a finger, pressing it against Spock's wrist in an innocent, childlike gesture of affection. "I'm going to miss you, you know?"

"I am not leaving, Jim."

"I know. But it feels like you are.", Jim closed his eyes and rolled his head back to face the sun. "No more lounging around in the garden like this, no more late-night chess games, no more following me whichever way I go, just because you can and know it annoys me to high hell, no more mind-melds... now tell me you are not going to miss me..."

Spock lowered his head. "It cannot be helped, but... yes, I will miss you too, Jim."

Jim smiled a tiny, pained smile and only then Spock noticed that Jim's long lashes were wet. A single tear squeezed itself from between the shut lids and trailed down the tanned cheek. Spock wiped it away gently, thoughtlessly staring at the moisture left behind on the knuckle of his forefinger.

"Shit, I'm sorry, I'm such a baby."

"Illogical, you are not an infant.", Spock answered automatically.

Jim giggled. "Yeah, yeah, we both know that you're just pretending to be too logical to understand the stupid things Humans say."

"That would mean that I was lying. Vulcans do not lie."

"Half-Vulcans do, apparently.", Jim's eyes fluttered open, they were still covered in a wet sheen, but they were smiling. "I wish we could stay here like this forever."

Spock refrained from commenting, instead, he stretched out his legs, watching as Jim scooted closer to place his head onto Spock's thigh, before reaching out blindly, to grasps Spock's arm.

"Meld us."

"Jim; we are outside, somebody could see."

"Just ten minutes, please."

Spock sighed. Ten minutes with Jim never just meant _ten minutes_. He gave in to Jim's plea nonetheless. Spock placed his fingers against the meld-points on Jim's face and they fell into the meld with practised ease.

_They were on a swing-set that was seated on top of a high cliff. Beneath them was an endless, black chasm and the sky was painted with the sunset's colours. Raindrops fell upside down, dripping upwards from the dry ground and shooting towards the almost cloudless expanse above them. _

"_It astounds me, that you are still able to remember the way these human contraptions looked, Jim."_

"_I loved them, when I was a kid."_

"_I know, you have told me quite often."_

_Jim's smile was radiant. "You probably think they're super illogical."_

"_They are, but they amuse you.", Spock cautiously swung forward._

_The sunset in the distance turned a shade darker, the first stars began to appear on the firmament. Jim sighed softly. "I will never get used to how fast the time tends to go by here."_

"_Indeed."_

_Jim started kicking back a little more, swinging higher, the wind blowing through his hair, while the raindrops soaked his clothes. Spock watched him quietly, before turning his gaze back towards the horizon. A ship sailed across the sand on the other side of the abyss. _

"_We have to return now, Jim."_

_Jim nodded and looked at Spock, stopping the swing by planting his bare feet on the ground. He reached out for him, standing up. "Come on then."_

_Spock gripped his wrist and let himself be pulled over the cliff's edge._

Spock's eyes blinked open. The sky above them had already turned orange with the impending sunset and as Jim sat up dazedly, he noticed that the back of his clothes, where they had been resting against the grass, where slightly damp.

"Oh, it's gotten really late... this is so weird.", Jim shook his arms a little, most like to dispel the stiffness that had accumulated there during their meld.

Spock got to his feet, gently grasping Jim's elbows to pull him up. He had to steady the younger man for a moment, for Jim started to sway as soon as he was vertical. "Whoa... man, I should have eaten something; these mind-melds take a lot out of you. Oh, and since I'm talking about eating, we should go back, Amanda probably made dinner already."

Jim's assumption turned out to be correct. Mother was already waiting for them, the table had been prepared and Father was seated in his usual place, nodding silently at them as they entered the dining-room.

Spock sat, watching Jim plop down on the chair on the opposite side. Mother piled the food onto their plates; too much for Spock's decreased appetite, but he knew not to worry her.

They ate in silence; Jim kept his eyes lowered, as if he did not dare to look at Spock. A toe poked his shin and Spock saw the tiny grin curling Jim's lips.

He carefully returned the nudge and focused his attention back on the vegetable lasagne. For a moment, he just sat, staring at the food, before he mentally shook himself.

He reached out for the water-jug, at the same time Jim had decided to. Their fingers brushed, sending a jolt up Spock's arm. He stood abruptly, startling Jim even further. Their eyes met for a second, Jim's blue pools bright with something Spock could not place.

The next second he found himself running from the room and up the staircase, trying to ignore how his blood had flowed south.

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><p>This is probably the oddest chapter ever. I'm working on the fourth already, because I'm afraid I might catch the highly contagious writer's-block-flu...<p> 


	8. Chapter 4: Back To The Place You Are

First of all, a HUGE thank you to Liz Night, you were a great help. If I could, I would give you a cookie now. =)

To everyoneelse, also thank you, again, for the wonderful reviews. I'm sorry if I didn't respond, Uni caught up with me and I was a little overwhelmed with everything. =)

Enjoy the fourth chapter.

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Chapter 4: back to the place you are

Spock had not left his room at all after he had vanished from dinner, spending the second day leading up to the ceremony there, too. Whenever Jim had knocked to bring him food, there had been no answer, leaving him to carry the plate back downstairs. Amanda was spending her time sitting on the chaise longue on the balcony, staring out into the desert with a frighteningly blank look on her face.

It made Jim feel like he had failed them both in a way.

The house had never been this silent.

On the third day, Spock's door finally opened and Jim had to bite his lip to keep a rather unmanly sound at bay. Spock wore a pair of black slacks, a shirt of the same colour and a kind of robe that reached down to his thighs and was left open at the front, the silver-clasps clinking with every move.

Jim had always known that Spock was handsome, but _damn_.

Spock glanced at him, only a second before he averted his eyes. Amanda stepped in front of Spock, gently closing the first clasp on the robe. "Promise me to behave, okay, darling?"

"Mother, I am Vulcan."

She laughed, but it was a choked, broken sound. "I know, honey, I know."

Spock kissed her on the forehead and Jim turned away at the sight, the achingly tender gesture making his lungs contract painfully. Spock pulled away from Manda and made his way to the door without turning to look at Jim even once.

Something inside Jim screamed soundlessly at Spock to come back, to acknowledge him, to at least give him a proper good-bye. Anything but this blatant ignorance for his person. Instead he kept staring out the window, listening to Sarek come down the stairs and bid farewell to his wife. Jim's mouth seemed to be glued shut, his shoulders shook with whatever emotion had torn itself apart within him and was now lying on the floor of his soul, unrecognisable and faceless, merely causing pain.

His senses must have given out for a second, because the next thing he heard was the hissing of the front door sliding shut. Manda placed a slender hand on his back and, only now, he noticed that he was trembling all over. "Jim?"

"I'm fine," he brushed her hand off. "I'm going to my room."

"James, honey-"

He threw her a weak smile. "I'm alright, really, I'm just tired."

She did not believe him, he could see that clearly, but she merely nodded and disappeared onto the balcony without questioning him.

Jim staggered up the stairs, every step felt like a chore. When he finally reached his room, he simply fell onto his bed, curling up in the millions of pillows he had gathered over the years, pulling his favourite one against his chest.

He felt hollow inside, as if someone had scraped a part of him out and let it fester just in front of his eyes. His fingers twitched with the need to move. He willed his body to lie still, trapping the helpless anger he felt.

Had he done something wrong?

Was this the punishment for everything he had messed up in his life?

He huffed. He was starting to sound like that whiny Orion girl in that stupid TV-show Amanda used to watch every evening.

Jim let out a groan and buried his head in the pillow. Fuck, he was pathetic.

It was _Spock _who had to go through the worst part, not him.

Selfish did not even cut what Jim was being at the moment, but he could not help himself. Spock was like a better extension of his own, broken, little messed-up self. The voice in his head was screaming that Spock was his, damn it all; no one was supposed to take him away.

Sitting up again, he threw the pillow against the next wall and stood to pace around the room like a caged animal. His head felt like it was overflowing and he wanted to claw his eyes out in frustration. He felt _so_ useless; he could not even describe it, there were no _words_ to come even remotely close to naming all the things he was feeling at the moment.

"Damn you, Spock," he hissed into the empty room.

Jim's eyes fell on the small holographic picture sitting on his desk just beside his PADD. It was one of the few he had of Spock and himself.

They were sitting on the chaiselongue on the balcony, a chessboard between them. Jim had just checkmated Spock and was laughing at the Vulcan-hybrid's unusually puzzled face. Manda had shot the picture and refused to delete it even after Spock had degraded himself to begging.

Jim felt a smile form on his lips.

"_I do not understand. There was only a 3.4 percent chance of you winning this game."_

"_Yeah, well, I'm James T. Kirk!"_

"_This fact has nothing to do with your rather questionable victory, Jim."_

"_You're just jealous that I won!"_

"_Illogical, Jim, I-"_

_Jim stopped listening as he began to laugh._

Those had been really good times. His shoulders sagged, all the anger that had been churning in his innards suddenly evaporated and left nothing but icy despair behind.

He was about to lose the one person he had come to think of as his second half.

A low, fragile sound escaped his throat, and _no_, it had not been a whimper. He ran his hands through his hair, tugging at it slightly. The pressure in his head had not lessened; instead, it had morphed into a stabbing pain. He felt as if someone had cut him open and pulled at his insides, before losing interest, leaving them hanging out carelessly.

Jim massaged his temples, squeezing his eyes shut tightly.

Getting restless, he left the room to walk down the broad, stone steps again. He ran two laps around the half-circle that made up the couch, before he walked into the kitchen. For second, he just stood in the doorway, before he sank to the floor and crawled under the small table in the left corner, where Amanda and he usually had their breakfast when Spock and Sarek had already left the house.

The reduction of space surrounding him eased the raw feeling of exposure that had overtaken him significantly.

"_You're my best friend, Spock."_

"_I know, Jim."_

He drew a shuddering breath, pulling his knees up against his chest, pressing his face against them as he felt his tear-ducts starting to work overtime. Oh fuck, he was getting _nostalgic_ of all things.

A sob tore through him, eyes spilling over and soaking the fabric of his trousers where they pulled tight over his knees.

Somebody sat down beside him, their two slender arms wrapping themselves delicately around him as he began to cry in earnest. Amanda did not speak; she did not even try to shush him. Instead she rocked Jim gently back and forth, drawing slow, soothing circles in his tense back-muscles.

He cried for what felt like hours and when the sobs finally tapered down into small hiccups, he sagged against Amanda's warm body.

"Do you remember when you caught a cold, after spending the night out on the balcony sulking, because Sarek forbid you to spend the night in Spock's room after a nightmare?"

"Wasn't sulking..."

Amanda chuckled. "Of course you weren't."

"Yeah, I remember it."

"You were constantly trying to get out of bed, telling us you needed to see Spock. _Just two minutes, Manda_, you would say. What struck me as odd was that you always said you _needed_ to see Spock, not _wanted_."

"Of course I wanted to see Spock," Jim furrowed his brows.

He saw nothing odd about the way he had worded his plea.

"I don't doubt that. But it was still... strange," Amanda pressed a kiss to his temple. "Spock was equally restless back then. He was sent home from school once, because he was unable to concentrate. I never told you, because I was afraid you would feel responsible for it."

Jim frowned. Why would he feel responsible?

"Manda... how can you stay so calm? Spock is going to bond with a girl he neither knows, nor loves."

She laughed. "You're a closet-romantic, huh? But I see where you are coming from. I can assure you, I'm not as calm as you might think. But it will keep Spock alive. That is all that matters."

Right.

He yawned, drained from the excessive crying. Manda held him a little tighter.

"You should rest a little, honey."

"Mhm-hm," he nodded, exhaling deeply and relaxing further into Amanda's embrace.

_The water reached up to his ankles, his bare feet had sunken into the sand beneath them. Somewhere in the distance he could hear thunder rolling, even though the sky above him was free of any clouds, leaving the stars to shine down on him. _

_Three moons wandered slowly over the black firmament, dripping pale blue and golden light into the water. He took a tentative step, listening to the splashing it caused. Something was missing. No, _someone_ was missing. _

_On the left side he could see a lone door hovering a few centimetres above the liquid-covered floor, heavy, black chains and locks keeping it tightly closed. A few of the weaker ones had snapped, dangling uselessly above the water, only held by the ones still intact. _

_White light filtered through the crack between the door and its frame. Strange. From where he stood, he could see that there was nothing behind it. _

_He walked towards it, yanking on one of the cold shackles, but to no avail. His frustration built. He needed to get through. Whatever was behind it was not safe, it needed protection, needed him to keep it from getting hurt. _

_An icy wave of fear shuddered through him and he almost fell to his knees from the force of it. _

_The door shook, rattling the chains violently. A loud screeching was heard, piercing his ears painfully. He lurched forward, grasping at the chains again, tugging and pulling with all he could. _

_...Let me through!..._

_His arms were straining and the chain-links dug painfully into his palms, but he held on. One of the chains broke; he fell backwards, landing in the cold water with a yelp. The door stopped trembling and, suddenly, it was silent again. _

_Then a voice came from behind the door, muffled and strangely familiar._

_...Do not touch what is mine..._

Jim jerked awake, panting heavily. Amanda was holding him up by the shoulders, eyes narrowed with concern. "Jim?"

He gulped thickly, trying to orientate himself. The floor beneath him was cold; there was a table-leg visible behind Amanda. Ah. They were still underneath the kitchen-table then. "What...?"

"You were having a nightmare," Amanda brushed a hand through his hair. "I was-"

The front door hissed open and Amanda quickly shot out from under the table, leaving Jim reeling. She ran from the kitchen, while Jim crawled out from his hiding-place, grumbling quietly. He could hear Sarek's quiet voice, then Spock's louder baritone and was startled upon registering the agitated hue tainting it.

What the hell had happened at the ceremony?

He stood, cautiously walking out the doorway, only to stagger back, when Spock rushed past him.

Jim blinked and looked at Amanda, who was clinging to Sarek wide-eyed. "Okay. Did Spock just run upstairs like an angst-ridden teenager, or am I hallucinating again, because I accidentally ate _t'koa_ nuts?"

Sarek's eyes darkened just a tad further. Uh-oh, he had pissed off the older Vulcan yet again. Sometimes, Jim really, _really_ hated his big mouth. And also, that he apparently had a slight, verbal incontinence.

Amanda smiled faintly. "Could you go after him, honey? He seems very upset and I doubt he wants to talk to me about it..."

Jim nodded and jogged up the steps to Spock's room.

He did not even bother to knock, he knew by now, that when Spock was in one of his non-existent, _because-Vulcans-do-not-feel-Jim_ moods, he would neither respond, nor open the door. Jim overrode the lock and stepped into the room, eyes instantly focusing on its only occupant.

Spock was sitting on his meditation mat, staring blankly at the wall.

"Hey," Jim gingerly sat down by the door, waiting until it had shut, before leaning his back against it.

"I do not wish to speak about it, Jim."

Why was he not surprised?

"Come on, Spock, don't be like that."

"Please. I need... need time." Spock refused to look at him, eyes gazing ahead unseeing.

"Was the bonding that bad?" Jim only just managed to keep his voice from cracking at the dreaded word.

"No bonding occurred."

Jim was thrown. "Excuse me?"

Spock closed his eyes. "Jim, please. I need to meditate."

"At least tell me what's gotten you so agitated. Why couldn't you bond with T'Pring?"

"I... I am not sure. My mind rejected her as soon as T'Pau brought us together." Spock seemed genuinely puzzled about this development.

Jim bit his lip and nodded. "Okay."

"I apologise, Jim, I am rather exhausted from the ordeal."

"It's alright, I understand. Do you... want me to leave?"

Spock was silent for a few moments, before shaking his head. "No, stay; I do not wish to... please stay."

Jim was sure that Spock was more shaken than he let on, but he knew better than to pry before the Vulcan-hybrid was ready. Spock would talk to him eventually. If not, Sarek had surely told Amanda and she was easily convinced to spill her secrets by strategically used puppy-eyes and pouts.

Jim instinctively touched the pad of his finger against Spock's exposed wrist. It was luke-warm instead of cool. He frowned but chose not to comment on it. Amanda had told him that this might happen; it was only another sign of Spock's impending Pon Farr.

He almost expected Spock to pull away, but instead, he turned to look at Jim, eyes glazed. "Forgive me, Jim."

Jim furrowed his brows. "Why? What for?"

"In the last two days I was... behaving rather illogically. I apologise."

"Hey, it's alright, everyone has shitty days. And you know me, I may be mad at you for a few hours but in the end, I just come back to the place you are, because I know you didn't mean it."

Spock shook his head. "I let my emotions dictate my actions. That is unacceptable."

"Don't sweat it. I do that all the time," Jim grinned.

"You are Human, Jim," Spock reminded him, but there was a hint of amusement shining in his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah," Jim wrapped his hand around Spock's wrist, holding it tightly, trying to project as much calm to him as he could.

Slowly, he could feel Spock relax and this time, he was not surprised, when he was pulled a little closer. Jim rested his head against Spock's shoulder, enjoying the rare closeness. He could hear Spock breathe and, prompted by a strange need to do so, lifted his free hand to place it against Spock's side to feel the flutter of his heart.

Even though they did not speak a word, he was content. For a moment, the world had ceased to exist, along with all the problems it had thrown at them.

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><p>Yeaaah... fifth chapter will be up tomorrow or so... depends on how fast I can type, I cut my thumb while cutting tomatos. =


	9. Chapter 5: All My Instincts

Aaaaand, I present to youuuu, the fifth Chapter.

Big thanks to Liz Nigh again, you're the best =)

I really, really hate how I can't write back to anonymous reviews, because some of them are just damn funny =)

[TooLazyToLogIn: If you read this; I shall try to stay away from all these things =D Now I just have to figure out how to get to Uni without taking the train!]

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes <strong>

Chapter 5: all my instincts

The day after the failed ceremony began slowly. Spock woke in stages instead of the usual instant alertness, leaving him disoriented.

Jim had fallen asleep a mere twenty minutes after they had stopped speaking. Spock clearly remembered the way he had curled against him, hand still clutching his wrist and his face tucked trustingly underneath his chin. He had felt Jim's warm breath tease the skin on his neck and listened to the slight snuffling the younger man uttered at every third exhale. After a while, he had carried Jim back to his room, before returning to his own and promptly falling asleep, feeling drained and nauseous.

He had tangled himself up in his blanket, the pillows were strewn all over the floor and the sheets had wrapped around his feet. Frustrated, he began kicking until he dislodged everything and was able to stand up.

Although he felt better now, he was still experiencing mild discomfort from the mental intrusion he was exposed to yesterday. He hoped the feeling would dissipate soon enough.

Spock did not bother to dress, instead he merely pulled on a robe over the pants he had slept in and made his way downstairs.

He found his Mother on the balcony, staring out into the desert. "Mother?"

She turned, a small smile brightening her face. "Ah, you are awake. We were getting a little worried and I had to send Jim out before he could make either him or me go crazy. He was pacing the room for roughly an hour, cursing non-stop and-"

"Jim is not here?" Spock interrupted, blinking slowly.

"Yes, I told him to visit his friend down in the Second House. What was his name again..? Leonard, I think."

Spock felt a growl building in his chest, but suppressed it before it could voice itself. "I see."

Mother's concern turned into a calculating gleam. "He asked me what happened at the ceremony yesterday. I told him that you would tell him when you were ready. Do you know how hard it is to say 'no' to those baby-blue eyes?"

Spock knew. "When will he be back?"

"I'm not sure, honey. He left about two hours ago."

Only then did Spock notice that he was unable to recall the time of day. "How late is it?"

"Half-past three, darling," his Mother answered quietly. "It's getting worse, isn't it?"

Spock felt the tips of his ears heat up. He inclined his head in silent admission.

"You will tell Jim what happened, won't you, Spock?"

"Of course, Mother," Spock turned away from her piercing gaze. "I will return to my room to meditate."

"Spock, you should eat. Please, you're worrying me."

He could not eat, not with Jim out of the house. Not when Jim was with that other man. Spock blinked, startled by the sudden bout of possessiveness that had risen from his innermost self. If he had not been Vulcan, he would have groaned just then.

Jim was not his and would never be.

"Spock? Honey, what's wrong?"

Only after his Mother had spoken did he notice the growl emitting from his throat. Instantly suppressing the sound, he stepped backwards, fists clenched at his sides. Was this how Jim had felt the past few days?

"I apologise. I will return to my room now, I will be downstairs for dinner," he left, ignoring the way her hand shot out to hold him back and how it made his heart clench.

Upon arriving at his destination, he locked the door twice, hoping that it would keep anyone from overriding the mechanism. He sunk down onto the mat on the floor, reached out to light the incense-stick sitting in a small bowl beside a pair of candles.

Closing his eyes, he let the scent permeate his mind. Instantly his mind fell back to the broken off ceremony.

_Spock was seated rigidly on his knees in front of Lady T'Pau. His eyes were locked onto the black tiles covering the ground; he concentrated hard to keep his hands from clenching. T'Pring approached them, he could feel her seat herself beside him and as he turned to look at her, she was gazing back through blank, coal-black eyes. _

_T'Pau reached out her hands and Spock let her place her withered fingertips against his meld-points, closing his eyes automatically. _

_T'Pau slipped into his mind, cool and collected with almost no sensation whatsoever. Spock felt her move through his head. A door was pulled open, his mental ocean spilled through and mingled with T'pring's on the other side. He wanted to draw back, squirm away like a maggot from the light, but he kept still, enduring the unfamiliar mind against his own. _

_T'Pau pulled a thread from T'Pring over into his mind, searching for the place to bind it to. Instantly his shields flared up, but T'Pau easily manoeuvred around them. He panicked shutting all the doors and locking the one he used to enter Jim's mind with. It was always there, manifesting itself over the years they had spent exploring each other's minds._

_The other door he had to protect was the chained one in the very back of his mental space, but she had yet to see it. It was hidden in the dark, concealed by sharp, jagged rock formations and glass flowers reflecting the pale light of Vulcan's sister planet. He did not know what it contained, but he knew he had to keep it safe at all costs. _

_He felt the moment she realised which door he was truly protecting. She advanced on it, the thread stretching to accommodate her approach. Spock instantly let the flowers shatter, raining glinting shards over the floor, causing T'Pau to stop. _

_...Do not touch what is mine..._

_He jerked away, breaking the connection roughly as he scrambled to his feet. T'Pau was staring at him, face unreadable, but there was something in her eyes that made him uneasy. T'Pring was sitting wide-eyed on the ground still, slowly tilting her head to look at him. _

_He fled the room. _

Spock's eyes snapped open and he sighed heavily. His Father had been more than displeased with the outcome and-

"Spock?", Jim's voice was muffled through the door. "Hey, could you let me in?"

"Computer, unlock door."

Immediately it swished open, revealing Jim standing nervously outside.

Spock was instantly aware of the foreign scent lingering on Jim's skin. Involuntarily, he started growling. He raised his shoulders slightly as his hands clenched into fists. Jim was not supposed to smell like this. It was _wrong_.

Jim stood frozen for 2.3 seconds, before he stepped into Spock's room, lowering himself to sit down slowly. Spock watched as Jim curled forward, making his overall form appear even smaller than usual with his head bowed and arms held before his chest.

It was a submissive position.

Tame. Docile. _Perfect_.

Spock stopped growling; he blinked and shook his head slowly. What was he _thinking_?

"You alright?" Jim spoke quietly, peering up at him.

"I am adequate," Spock exhaled slowly. "Is there something you needed?"

"Uh yeah... I wanted to know what happened yesterday. Amanda wouldn't tell me, like, at all, and you wouldn't wake up," Jim slid his lower lip forward a little, effectively creating a pout. "I was worried."

Spock inclined his head and then motioned Jim to come closer. "Why did you...when I opened the door and..."

He faltered. Jim scooted closer without standing, brows lifted slightly to convey his confusion, before he seemed to understand. "Ah. I don't know. It's like a knee-jerk reaction... I learned it after I accidentally pulled on I-Chaya's ear while playing with him and he started growling at me. I just cowered down and he stopped. It works on Sarek too, if he's angry at me, you know?"

"Father does not get angry, Jim."

"Sure, he doesn't," Jim winked. "So, care to fill me in now?"

"I have told you that my mind rejected T'Pring almost immediately. Her touch was... alien to me. I cannot describe it. It felt intrusive, and, when Lady T'Pau tried to create the bond, she..."

Spock trailed off. He could not tell Jim about the door. It would merely cause him to become concerned about it and try to resolve the situation. And he did not want it to be solved. The door, though closed, kept it safe. Whatever _it_ was.

Jim had come close enough to touch his arm. "She what?"

"She stepped too close to the door we use."

"Oh shit."

"I was able to shield it from her, do not worry," Spock did not tell him that she easily evaded his protective shields; it would only cause Jim to panic. "But... I could not bear T'Pring's mind any longer and broke the meld. My Father was... displeased and Lady T'Pau rescheduled the ceremony to be held in another two days."

Jim nodded and looked away, face painted equally with sorrow and pain. Spock reached out to touch his cheek, gently coaxing Jim to turn his head back to him.

"Jim?"

"I'm sorry... it's just... I was ready to have you come back bonded to T'Pring and then... then you do come home and you are _not_ and... I don't know what to think anymore, Spock. All my instincts tell me to help you, but I don't know how. And I _want _to help you, even if it means making T'Pring's mind bearable to you."

Spock watched Jim's eyes become glassy with tears. The blond closed his eyes in a slow blink, the first tears spilling over.

Without another thought, he wiped the wetness away, pulling Jim into his arms, ignoring the smell of another on his friend's clothes. Jim clung to him, shoulders trembling slightly beneath Spock's hands. His tears dampened the fabric covering his shoulders, but he did not care. Jim needed this, needed him and somehow the thought made him hold the smaller man even tighter.

Jim gave a shaky sigh and Spock laid his cheek on top of the blond mane tickling his chin.

"We should stay like this. Like... forever."

"Illogical."

"You're so annoying sometimes. Why do you always have to point out how illogical I am at every opportunity you find?" Jim poked his ribs.

"Because I am able to."

"Stupid, smug Vulcan."

Spock let a purr rumble through his chest, causing Jim to laugh wetly.

"I thought you couldn't do it anymore," Jim said quietly. "You never did it after you turned eleven."

Spock did not dare to answer; instead he began to run his hand up and down Jim's back to soothe the distraught Human. His father had told him not to purr, since it was unbecoming for a Vulcan to do so.

Jim gave another choked sob, his slender frame convulsing violently form the force. Spock did not know what to do. Jim was suffering and he could not help. He did not know _how_. It frustrated and saddened him at the same time.

So he kept quiet and waited. Finally, Jim seemed to calm down, now lying halfway in Spock's lap, while he sniffled.

"Fuck, I can be such a _girl_."

"I was not aware you were able to change gender at will, Jim."

"Oh, do shut up, will you?" Jim chuckled, the vibrations travelling across their joined skin through Spock's body.

"Very well."

"Did T'Pau say anything as to why you and T'Pring were unable to bond?"

"No. It surprised her just as much as everyone else. T'Pring and I were found to be quite mentally compatible; what has occurred should not have happened. It has never done so before. That is why T'Pau has withdrawn herself to find an explanation that will perhaps illustrate what has happened exactly."

"Does... does it feel weird when we meld?"

"If by 'weird' you mean 'intrusive' then, no. It does not. It is quite comfortable for me."

"Good. That's good. I like it too," Jim wiped his nose with his sleeve. "I think I got snot on your robe."

"Fascinating."

"Fuck you. Just because you're able to control every damn thing your body does," Jim grumbled.

"If I did not know better, I would believe that you are jealous, Jim."

"Shut up."

"Very well," Spock gently pushed Jim back a little to look at him. "Are you feeling better?"

"A little," Jim answered softly, keeping his eyes averted. Suddenly he grinned, even though his face was still wet and his eyes were reddened. "You looked really cool yesterday; I didn't even know you had those clothes!"

Spock recognised a diversionary tactic when he saw one, but he played along. "They are for ceremonial occasions; I do not wear them on a daily basis."

Jim blinked. "Oh... yeah, well, you know I've never attended anything like that, so I didn't know what evening attire on Vulcan looked like."

Spock inclined his head slightly. "

Jim absentmindedly tugged at the cord holding Spock's robe together. "I met up with Bones today. He showed me around the Second House's garden. It's pretty, but not as cool as ours. They don't have _dbalillies_. Kinda sad, I love how they smell like hot cocoa."

Spock was illogically proud that Jim found their garden better. "Dbalillies are very expensive, Jim."

"Yeah, I know.", Jim grinned even brighter. "And Sarek just loves Amanda too much to not buy them for her."

Spock lifted an eyebrow. "Indeed."

"You know I'm right," Jim licked his lip.

Spock's eyes followed the pink tongue trace over the full lips. They were red and swollen from crying and he just barely kept himself from touching a fingertip against them. Jim cleared his throat and he snapped his attention back to the younger man's eyes.

"Are you okay? You were spacing out there for a second," Jim tilted his head to the side.

"Yes, I was merely deep in thought."

"Oh," Jim lifted his hand to Spock's face, pushing a lock of hair from his forehead. "You know, I'm really glad you didn't get that bowl cut... as cute as it looked when you were little, it's kinda awkward to see on a grown man."

"Of course, I would never want you to feel uncomfortable around me."

"Stop mocking me, you jackass."

"I am not a male specimen of Equus africanus asinus."

"But you're a stubborn mule, so there."

"Jim, why do you insist on comparing me to various, equine mammals?"

"Because you once called me a sehlat kitten."

"Once and that was after I consumed two mugs of Mother's hot chocolate 6.1 years ago."

"I won't have mercy just because you were fourteen and drunk on something little kids on Earth drink because it tastes good."

Spock shook his head fondly. "You are hopeless, Jim."

"You love me anyway."

"Indeed."

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><p>And that was the fifth chapter =) I'm already working on the sixth and since Mr. Right Thumb is working perfectly again, he and his boyfriend Mr. Left Thumb are typing twice as fast to get the chapter done.<p> 


	10. Chapter 6: Without My Pride

Hey, guys! I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween and didn't eat all too many sweets...

Well... at least the dentists would have something to do then.

I want to thank everyone for the kind reviews, they are cute and hilarious to read. Big thanks again to Liz; you have no idea how awesome you are, I'm afraid.

Anyway. Here is Chapter 6!

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes <strong>

Chapter 6: without my pride

Jim was halfway out the door already, when he remembered that it _might _be polite to tell Amanda where he was going. He jogged back into the living room, glancing at the couch, where Manda sat, an ancient paper book in her lap. "Manda? I'm going out to see Bones; could you tell Spock when he wakes up?"

"Sure, darling. Have fun and tell Leonard I said 'hello'," she turned a page delicately, keeping her eyes locked on the letters.

"Will do, till later!"

He rushed out of the house, feeling the constriction fall from him just like it had yesterday. The walk down to the Second House was not particularly long and Jim found Bones already waiting for him.

The older man was sitting on the wall to the garden, chewing on what Jim identified was a stalk of _ch'tash_, usually used as spice in soups, but apparently, Bones could care less for that. A light breeze tousled his auburn hair and rustled through the leaves of the tree standing just beyond the mural.

"Hey, Bones!"

"Hey, kiddo."

"I'm only six years younger than you; don't call me 'kiddo'."

Bones raised an eyebrow at him and suddenly reminded him eerily of Spock. "Ya're barely scratching the five foot mark, kid."

Jim huffed and hopped onto the wall beside Bones. "I'm five foot eight and a half."

"Okay, that petulant behaviour right there? Totally not helping yer case."

"Oh shut up.", Jim swung his legs back a forth. "So, anything new?"

"Hm... I heard that Earth is going to discover Warp soon."

"Really?" Jim tilted his head, not sure what to do with that information. "Cool."

"It's still going to take a while though, at least another year."

"Hm," Jim licked his lips nervously. "Bones... can I ask you something?"

"Does it have to do with-"

"No, it doesn't have to do with tentacles," Jim grumbled. "Not this time..."

"Okay then, ask away."

"Have... have you ever heard of Pon Farr?"

Bones blinked twice. "Whoa, kiddo, ya're not very delicate about these things, huh? Of course I heard about it, it's kinda hard not to when that gossiping little Russian kid works alongside ya. His friend ain't any better, but yeah. What about it?"

"Promise me you won't talk to anyone about what I am going to tell you now," Jim pleaded quietly.

Bones eyes narrowed and he nodded solemnly. "Sure, kiddo."

"Good. You know my story already, so I won't elaborate on that. Spock and I are... are really close, you know? Since the day Caator brought me to the First House we've been best friends. We talked about everything when we were small, but it lessened when Sarek started drilling Spock to be Vulcan. He never managed to erase all of Spock's little quirks, Amanda and I made sure of that. Anyway... the past weeks he was starting to distance himself from me, a lot more than usual.

"When I asked him about it, he would refuse to answer and leave the room. Finally I got Manda to tell me what the hell was going on and I found out that Spock was to be bonded to some girl named T'Pring-"

"Whoa, wait, rewind. He wasn't bonded yet?"

"No, he... Spock is half-Vulcan as you know and... Amanda kind of hoped that... Spock wouldn't go through Pon Farr at all. Two weeks ago Spock started to meditate a lot and... we stopped melding for about six days."

Bones furrowed his brows. "Meld? Ain't that something Vulcans only do with their parents when they are children and need the telepathic connection to develop correctly?"

"They do it with their bondmates later on too, but then it's different."

"My point exactly. So why are _Spock and you_ melding?"

"I don't know. I remember asking him if he could do something cool back when I had only just met him. He told me he was a touch-telepath and I begged him to show me. He did and... I don't know, it just stuck I guess. It made us both feel safe and like- like we belonged. Spock's never been accepted by the other Vulcans, because all they see is a hybrid with a flawed Human-half corrupting the Vulcan side. I never had a home, but living here with Spock and Amanda comes pretty close.

"Anyway, he started getting really... well... clingy for a Vulcan in the last days, which is actually kinda cute and such. Amanda told me that it's one of the symptoms of his Pon Farr, so that makes it slightly less adorable...

"The thing is, yesterday the bonding ceremony took place, but Spock's mind rejected T'Pring's. No one knows why, not even Lady T'Pau and I always thought she knew about _everything_. It scares me, Bones. I don't know what to do. If T'Pau doesn't know what's going on, how can I even _try _to help Spock through this? He's going to die without a mate. I'm going to lose him and I can't..."

Jim covered his face with his hands, "Why must everything be so fucking complicated?"

"Ah...," Bones sounded unsure but placed a warm hand onto his shoulder nonetheless. "It'll turn out okay in the end, kiddo."

"You don't know that, Bones," Jim knew he sounded like the child Bones had accused him to be mere minutes ago, but he did not particularly care.

"Yeah...," Bones tugged Jim's hands away gently. "Ya two are really close, huh?"

"He's my best friend, my brother... he's all I have, Bones," Jim whispered.

A mere moment later Bones had pulled him securely against his side. "If I wouldn't know better, I'd say you're totally smitten with that pointy-eared hobgoblin."

"Bones!" Jim laughed. "Don't be stupid, we grew up together! That'd be so awkward, I mean..."

"'m just sayin'," Bones shrugged. "No need to get yer panties in a bunch."

"Seriously," Jim nudged him sharply. "Stop making fun of me, first I'm a child and then a girl? What's next, an Orion stripper?"

"You're not green enough for that."

"Fuck you."

"I'd rather not."

Jim was torn between frustration and rib-breaking laughter for a second. He chose the latter and almost doubled over. "W...what're we doing, Bones? We were having a serious conversation a minute ago!"

"Must be the heat. Probably fried yer brain."

"It's totally your fault!"

Bones shook his head and smirked. "Yeah, sure."

"I don't even know why I'm talking to you. All you do is make fun of me," Jim pouted, crossing his arms before his chest.

"Because you have no life and I'm the only one apart from your elf prince that puts up with your tactile behaviour."

"I wasn't hugged enough as I child and I mean that in the most serious way you can imagine."

"I know, kiddo, I know. I don't mind, I'm just trying to be funny."

Jim snorted and leaned his head against Bones' shoulder. "Try harder, then."

"No, you infant," Bones sighed and ran a hand over his face. "You can be exhausting, you know that?"

"Oh, come on. I'm not that bad," Jim smiled and sat up straight again. "I hope Spock's alright."

"He's going to be okay, by the sound of it, he isn't even through the first phase."

"Yeah, but he was practically comatose yesterday and he usually wakes up at 5:40," Jim tapped his forefinger against the stone beneath him in slow, irregular intervals. "It's scary. He also won't eat properly, except when either Amanda or I force him."

Bones nodded. "Maybe you should give him a choice. Either he eats, or he gets a nutrient hypo."

"Everything can be solved with a hypo in your opinion, huh?"

"It saved your stupid ass two times already."

"How should I have known that I'm allergic to Andorian chocolate and _rhil'sha_ nuts?"

Bones shook his head. "You're hopeless."

"Wha-?"

"Shut up, kiddo," Bones hopped off the wall and looked up at Jim. "I gotta go. Karu's sick with the Chloridian Flu and he's been throwing up since two in the morning."

"Then why did you agree to meet up with me? You could have told me you couldn't come!"

"Because you sounded like you needed someone to talk to that wasn't green blooded or named Amanda, that's why. Besides, Pavel, that's the crazy Russian kid I told you about, has been doting on Karu ever since he woke him up by evacuating his dinner onto the floor. It's bordering on pathetic, really," Bones spit the _ch'tash_ out and made to turn around. "Still, I have to go, Karu needs his medicine soon and Pavel is too squeamish to administer it. Comm. me when yer lover boy gets worse."

"He's not my lover boy!"

"Got it," Bones raised his hand in a mocking salute.

Jim huffed. "Tell Karu that I hope he'll be feeling better soon!"

"Will do, anything else?"

"Try to convince that Russian genius that ice-cream wasn't invented in Russia!"

"Emphasis on _try_!"

Jim laughed and slid off the wall. He miscalculated the height and stumbled, landing awkwardly on his knees when his ankle twisted to the side unexpectedly. "Ouch!"

"Dammit, kiddo," Bones was beside him in an instant. "I turn my back for _one second_ and you manage to almost kill yourself."

"I twisted my ankle, Bones, don't be overly dramatic."

Bones did not answer but grumbled lowly, as he rolled up Jim's pant leg, pulled off his shoe and palpated the aching ankle. "It's not broken, the way it looks, you merely strained it. If you put a regeneration patch onto it and don't move it too much it should be better in a day or two."

Jim grumbled and gingerly put his shoe back on. "Why does my life suck so much."

Bones rolled his eyes and slowly hefted Jim to his feet. "Up you go, Princess."

"I'm not a fucking princess, Bones!"

"You're right. More like the perpetual damsel in distress."

"You have no idea how much I hate you sometimes."

"Aw, me too, darlin'."

Jim rolled his eyes and started limping towards home with Bones' help. The walk was agonizingly slow. Jim's foot started to throb painfully, he hissed with every step that jarred the injured area.

When they finally reached the house, Jim was dizzy and feeling nauseous. He just hoped he would not puke out his guts before he got to a bathroom. Amanda had spent enough time tidying up his messes, which one time included a very colourful and detailed drawing of their garden on the wall behind the couch. He winced at the memory. Damn, he had been downright suicidal when he was six. Sarek had looked close to simply nerve pinching him into the next millennium.

Bones pushed the alarm button by the door. "Try not to puke on me, Karu was more than enough."

"'Kay.", Jim answered weakly. "Fuck. Why is it hurting so much? That's torture. I just landed wrong, damn."

"You're clumsy and stupid, that's why."

"Weren't you going to be a doctor? Shouldn't you have a more sensible explanation than that?"

"I do, but I doubt you want to hear that," the door was opened just as Bones finished his sentence.

Spock stood in the door way, the black shirt he wore alongside the equally black trousers accentuated the dark-green shadows beneath his tired eyes. Jim smiled sheepishly at him. Damn. He had hoped Spock would still be asleep. Now he would worry about him and probably exhaust himself even more.

Great.

Jim suppressed a helpless sigh. Bones held onto him a little tighter. "I guess you're Spock? Sure you are. Jim had a little accident, he sprained his ankle. So if you could step aside I can get him in and put a regeneration patch on it so-"

"I will treat Jim's ankle," Spock snapped. Jim could feel Bones go rigid beside him.

"Now listen here you-"

Spock growled threateningly, eyes narrowed in a way Jim had never seen before.

"Uh, Bones, I- I think you should..."

"Yeah.", Bones said quickly, gently extracting himself from Jim's side.

Jim swayed and reached out to grab onto Spock, but his plan was thwarted by the sudden disappearance of the very ground he stood upon. The next second he was in Spock's arms, staring blankly at a similarly flabbergasted Bones. "Please tell me, that he is not carrying me bridal style."

"Right. I won't tell you then."

Jim groaned and pressed his face into Spock's clothed chest. "I hate my life."

"Well... since you seem to be in good hands, I'll leave you to the hobgoblin. See ya, Princess."

"_Not a princess_!"

Spock had not said a word, but Jim could still feel the growl vibrating in the Vulcan-hybrid's chest.

Bones grinned smugly and then left as fast as he could.

"Okay, Spock, you can let me down, I'm able to walk... somewhat."

"No."

"Right. Why am I not surprised about that answer?"

Spock turned swiftly, the door closing behind him. "There is nothing wrong with being carried when one is unable to walk. Do not be so prideful."

"I'm James T. Kirk. Without my pride, I'd be nothing!"

"Illogical," Spock walked them towards the bathroom, lowering Jim onto the edge of the tub and turning around to rifle through the medicine cupboard near the mirror. Finally, he returned with a first-aid kit and knelt down in front of Jim. He gently took off Jim's shoes and socks, before propping the swollen ankle against his own knee.

Jim bit his teeth when Spock's long fingers prodded the sensitive area to find the exact location of the sprain. Finally, Spock opened the first-aid kit and pulled a pack of patches out, alongside a roll of bandages.

The adhesive patch felt cool against the inflamed area, Jim sighed in relief, closing his eyes for a moment and letting his head drop back. Spock silently bandaged his leg, patting his knee from time to time, as if to soothe him. It should have puzzled Jim. Instead, he reached out to brush a strand of black hair from Spock's forehead.

"You must be more careful, Jim," Spock stood, pulling Jim up and into his arms again. "It is disconcerting for me to see you injured."

"It's not my fault; everything seems to have a problem with me these days," Jim murmured and nuzzled against Spock's cheek. "And Bones was being really mean."

"Indeed?" Spock almost snarled, startling Jim for a moment, but he calmed down almost immediately.

Jim tried to lift an eyebrow at the taller man, but failed miserably. "Yeah, he's been teasing me about you. He called you my _lover boy_."

Spock fell silent then lifted an eyebrow. "Illogical."

"That's what I said. Well, not exactly, since I wouldn't say 'illogical'. That's kinda your thing. Or every Vulcans' thing, I don't know. I have the feeling that the first word that came out of your mouth was 'illogical', but that would be-"

"Illogical."

"Oh, _come on_."

Spock's lip twitched upwards and Jim crossed his arms with a huff.

Stupid Vulcan.

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><p>And that was it! Well, you met Bones, I hope I didn't butcher his personality too much =)<p>

Next chapter will be up soon.


	11. Chapter 7: Reach Out From The Inside

Aaaalright. This is chapter 7.

I hope you like it, because I'm nervous as fuck about posting this. Also... uhm... should I up the rating now...?

Thank you all for the reviews, they have me squeeing for hours sometimes.

Uuuuhm... enjoy...?

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes <strong>

Chapter 7: reach out from the inside

He could not sleep. Spock stared at the ceiling above him, heard the wardrobe in the corner creak and the candle he had not blown out flickered in the breeze coming from the tilted window. With a growl he rolled over, pressing his face into the pillow. He had given up controlling himself while nobody was in his immediate vicinity entirely.

Spock closed his eyes, feeling tired, but his body refused to relax.

_Warm skin brushed his; palms, rough from gardening, ran down his front. He arched lightly into the touch, reaching out desperately, feeling soft, silky skin. It stretched across delicate bones, tanned from the unforgiving sun. _

_A rosy mouth, right beside his ear, released a gentle laugh. Hot air stroked over his ear, plump lips caressed the pointed cartilage. Short fingers weaved between his. He trailed his hand down a flat stomach, feeling the muscles twitch. Turning his head, he found a rounded ear to bite into; a shaky groan escaped the lips that had been nipping at his earlobe._

_...S-Spock..._

_Desperately, almost clumsily, he grasped for the jutting hipbones, pulling the warm body closer, pressing it against himself. Lids snapped open. A pair of blue, blue eyes stared at him._

Spock's eyes snapped open.

He was breathing hard and his hands shook as he reached out to grab the glass of water on his nightstand. While gulping down the cool liquid he urged himself to calm down and the half-formed erection to vanish. How humiliating.

He rolled out of bed, walking towards the door while pulling on his robe. He had not slept. This had not been a dream. He was confused and mildly horrified. His brain was conjuring images while he was wide awake; this entire affair was spinning out of his already shaky control.

The house was silent, logically so, since everyone was asleep. Spock wandered downstairs to escape the caging feeling of his own home and entered the garden by jumping down into it over the low balcony. A cold breeze rustled through the air from one of the openings in the glass sphere towering above the garden and Spock exhaled deeply. The cool wind felt wonderful against his heated skin.

He wandered through the vegetation, intent on walking the buzz of arousal off that lingered and refused to leave. It was aggravating, his own body betrayed him and his mind was starting to rebel alongside it. He clenched his hands into tight fists, his nails digging into his palms and nearly breaking the skin.

_Dull nails scraped down his back, a breathy gasp puffed against his ear-_

Spock shook his head wildly.

The small pond glittered in the pale light of the _dbalillies_' heavy blossoms, reflecting the bluish glow they emitted. The air smelled of chocolate and damp earth. Near the _sher'khah_ trees he could make out the shapes of a few _sher'khah mathras_, an insect Jim had come to call 'butterfly' since they reminded him of the insects of the same name on his former home planet. The fragile beings had landed on the slender trees, clinging to the rough bark as they rested for the night. Spock watched as their translucent wings moved ever so slightly when the wind brushed across them.

"Spock?"

He barely kept himself from flinching in surprise. Spock turned to see Jim standing just a few feet behind him. "Why are you still awake, Jim?"

"Couldn't sleep; I had a weird dream," Jim smiled sheepishly and hobbled closer. His leg was clearly not well enough for him to walk normally yet.

His slender body looked even more delicate in the scarce light, his blue eyes shone in the _dbalillies _incandescence. Spock shook his head minimally. "I see."

Jim grinned, shrugging and causing the stretched hem of the pullover he wore to slip almost over his shoulder, exposing his collarbone. Spock recognised the garment as one of his own, he had thought he had lost it over 3.6 years ago. Apparently, his assumption had been wrong.

For some illogical reason, it pleased him to see Jim in his clothes.

"You are wearing my pullover, Jim," he pointed out.

"Huh? Oh... yeah," Jim laughed nervously. "Well, it's warm and you know how cold it gets at night, especially in my room."

"Because you do not remember to close your window before you retire for the night, Jim."

Jim snorted. "I know."

Spock took a step forward, feeling the need to touch Jim, leaning down to rest his chin on his shoulder. Jim immediately latched onto him, squeezing his sides affectionately, accepting the touch without question.

"How did you know I was here?"

"I don't know. I just... knew, I guess," Jim chuckled. "You're not exactly hard to figure out."

Spock lifted an eyebrow, even though he knew Jim would not see it. "I see."

"What, no 'illogical' this time? Surprising, I was so certain you would say it."

"_Riolozhikaik_."

"Saying it in Vulcan doesn't change anything nor does it make the word less annoying. And boy, I never noticed what a mouthful that one is. Probably because I never use it", Jim laughed against his shoulder, the vibrations rocking through Spock's body like tiny, electrical charges. "Seriously, we need to find some new words for you to use."

"As you wish."

Spock felt Jim's leg buckle and he quickly wrapped an arm around the slim waist of the blond. "You should not be out here, Jim. Your ankle is still healing."

"Pff, it's fine, it doesn't even really hurt anymore."

"Nonetheless, it is unwise to walk. It should not be too difficult for you to rest for the next 6.2 hours that the regeneration patch will need to heal the strain entirely."

Jim leaned back to look at him, dislodging Spock's chin from his shoulder in the process. "Stop mothering me, I got Amanda and Bones to do that."

Spock snarled quietly. He liked that man less and less. Jim patted his back.

"Stop growling at me. How about we go back inside? I'm thirsty anyway."

Spock inclined his head. "Very well."

They made their way back to the house slowly. Spock had to lift Jim up so that he could latch onto the balcony's railing and heave himself up. Only then was he able to climb back up and follow the smaller man into the living-room. Jim made his way to the kitchen, visibly trying not to limp.

The kitchen-light was requested to sixty percent and Spock could hear Jim opening the refrigerator from where he stood in the dark living room.

Spock finally trailed into the kitchen after Jim and froze in the doorway.

Jim's upper body vanished in the fridge, meaning that Spock had a perfect view of Jim's backside and the slender legs which were bent marginally at the knees. Spock's fingers twitched.

_Two dimples above the swell of the rounded mound before him-_

Jim straightened up again, the jug of Kray-juice held with both hands as he staggered towards the counter to put it down. He grabbed a glass and filled it carefully. The violet fluid splashed into the transparent container, Spock blinked slowly, the picture before his eyes beginning to swim. He shook his head, righting his failing vision.

Spock observed Jim drink slowly, deliberately and finally pull the glass away from his lips with a contented groan that bordered on pornographic.

Something inside him snapped and he surged forward. Jim gave a shocked squeak and almost spilled the rest of his juice over his shirt. Spock crowded the blond against the counter, pressing his face to Jim's neck and inhaling hungrily.

His scent was intoxicating, clouding his mind even further. He was unable to think, his brain functions dimmed down to almost exclusively animalistic thoughts.

Jim smelled like freshly laundered sheets, of sleep, the herbal shampoo he used, and something that was uniquely _Jim._

He felt Jim pushing against his chest with one hand, while setting the glass on the counter behind with the other clumsily. "Uh, Spock, what-?"

He growled, lifting Jim up effortlessly and placing him onto the kitchen counter. Upon insinuating his hips between the younger man's spread thighs, he was delighted to elicit a loud gasp from Jim.

"Spock! Spock, listen to me. What the he- _ah_!"

Spock sank his teeth into the juncture of Jim's neck, growling possessively when he tasted the metallic tang of Human blood. Jim was squirming in his grip; he licked the wound to soothe the sting, gazing at the bruised flesh in satisfaction. _Mine_.

Jim moaned softly, going limp and pliant in his arms. Spock purred, kissing Jim's throat. The blond lifted his hands, grabbing onto his clothed shoulders. Spock reached up and pulled one of Jim's hands away, weaving their fingers together tightly. His arms tingled and he stilled, swallowing thickly as he leaned his forehead against Jim's.

He was lost, so lost between all the emotions he felt bubbling from his innards, lost in the way Jim seemed to reach out from the inside and grasp his innermost wishes and pull them to the surface.

_The stone beneath them radiated the heat it had absorbed during the day. The younger man was sprawled out beneath him, gasping for air as he trailed kisses down the flat stomach. Jim arched into the touch, mouth hanging open, eyes shut. Spock crawled upwards and slanted his mouth against Jim's._

Spock shoved his hand underneath Jim's shirt, feeling the silky warmth of the Human's skin. His lips searched for the other's mouth, brushing down over closed lids and a freckled nose.

_...S-Spock..._

Jim's lips parted as soon as Spock found them, inviting his tongue inside.

_...Mine..._

He had to be closer, he needed to feel everything. His insides burned and he did not know what to do to remedy it. He felt drunk and at the same time his senses were sharpened.

"_T'nash-veh_," Spock whispered brokenly, not even noticing that he had spoken the word in Vulcan. _Mine_.

"_T'du_," Jim's voice was weak, barely there, a mere sigh against his lips. _Yours_.

_They breathed each other's air, unable to part from another even for a moment. There was too much contact, but at the same time, there was not enough. Clinging to each other as if they would drown on their own, they spiralled downwards-_

Spock tugged at Jim's shirt while sucking on the warm tongue that he had pulled into his own mouth.

_They were a pair of birds caught in the middle of a storm._

Jim responded by pushing the robe down Spock's shoulders, rough palms flat against the even skin.

_They were blind and, for a moment, they were a circle, they forgot where Spock began and Jim ended-_

"Spock!" Jim finally seemed to gather himself and wrenched away, eyes wide and much too blue.

Spock staggered backwards, breathing heavily and eyes locked onto the man sitting on the counter before him. Jim's neck was exposed, the bite-mark bright red and bleeding sluggishly, the flesh around the punctures was bruised. His lips were swollen and glistened with saliva. He was flushed red, his body trembling uncontrollably and he seemed to be barely able to keep his lids from sliding shut.

"What... what happened?"

Spock backed away. _What have I done?_

He did not know. His thoughts were jumbled, they did not fit together. There were only scattered, broken thought processes, interspaced with _lust_, _need_ and _desperation_.

"Spock?"

Jim suddenly sounded small and confused. Helpless. Spock felt a stab of pain in his side and averted his gaze, ashamed.

"Talk to me."

"I...," he faltered for a second. "Forgive me, Jim."

"Spock-!"

He ran from the kitchen, ignoring Jim's desperate calls for him to return.

His feet carried him back to the sanctuary of his room. He locked it twice, sinking against the door for a moment, before making his way to his bathroom.

He stood in front of the mirror above the sink, staring at his pale face. Jim's blood was smeared over his mouth still, collecting in the dip of his philtrum and coagulating.

Spock turned on the water, splashing the icy liquid into his face, scrubbing with both hands.

He could still taste Jim in his mouth, alongside the Kray-juice.

Spock swallowed thickly, licking his now blood-free lips, trying to right his fallen memory bank and find the reason behind his outburst. A shudder ran down his spine as he finally realised _what_ exactly he had just done.

He had sexually assaulted his best friend.

Spock had hurt the one being on this entire planet that he trusted without a second thought. He had betrayed Jim's trust in him too. Jim did not trust lightly, the years he had spent on Earth had taught him that everyone around him was able to hurt him and would most likely do so in the end.

And that was exactly what Spock had done just then.

Despair gripped him and brought him to his knees. The tiles felt icy, the cold seeping through his pants and nestling inside his centre to spread outward.

His head began to throb and something seemed to draw itself back, curling up like an injured sehlat. Suddenly, the frigid feeling inside had vanished, leaving nothing but a tiny, heated core behind that seared him inside-out.

Not caring if it was unbecoming for a Vulcan, he dragged himself to the shower, crawling across the floor as his body felt heavier and heavier by the minute. He sat underneath the shower head, fumbling with the controls until cold water began to beat down on him. The erection he had ignored until now abated from the shock and he sighed in relief.

The thrumming pain in the back of his head did not vanish however.

He wondered how he would be able to ever look at Jim again. Or if _Jim_ would be able to look at him again after this. He was dangerous. He felt like a feral animal inside a normally civilized body, trying to act according to the norm and failing.

The water beat down on him accusingly.

Nothing made sense anymore.

He tugged at his hair, letting out a soft whine.

He had no idea why he had done this. His mind had rejected T'Pring the first time, his only hope for curing this illogical mating drive. The issue would be resolved by tomorrow, when the second ceremony was scheduled. Why was he focusing on Jim now? Sure, he was pleasing to the eye, even if he was far from the standard Vulcan beauty. A Vulcan was tall, no matter what gender; the women carried their willowy figures with grace, while the men kept their broad-shouldered bodies straight with dignity.

Jim was small, his figure slim, almost thin, his eyes were bright just like his hair, his skin blemished with tiny, almost invisible freckled and the occasional mole. He never sat straight, he sometimes forgot that it was unbecoming to talk while eating and he started to giggle for no particular reason sometimes. Even if the he vehemently denied to ever giggle. Jim could talk for hours on end, he tended to slip from Vulcan into English without noticing and he never righted his shoes, once he pulled them off his feet, leaving them lying around until one of the other house occupants tripped over them.

Jim was a vessel of flaws, but at the same time, he managed to lighten up the darkest of moods. He pretended to be clueless. But whenever he was alone with Spock, they would converse about a variety of things ranging from the newest acceleration boosters to the intricate designs of Warp-engines. Sometimes, he simply sat beside Spock while he was meditating, waiting for him to finish patiently and then start talking about a clearly random topic. Jim never pried; he accepted his need for solitude. At least to a certain extent; the blond had a knack of knowing when Spock was losing his grip on reality.

Jim would never be Vulcan, but for some reason, he seemed to have always known this fact and accepted it. Instead, he learned to deal with all the throw-backs and smile back into the faces of those, who thought of him as useless. Jim had created his own kind of beauty, his own way of being something desirous to others.

And Spock hoped with everything he had, that he had not destroyed this beauty.

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><p>Somebody should give both Jim and Spock a good whack to the head. I'm sure, Bones would gratefully volunteer.<p> 


	12. Chapter 8: The Light, The Heat

Hey, guys!

Uhm, yeah, this took a little longer than usual, but I hope it's worth the wait. =)

Thank you all for the kind reviews and to everyone willing to whack Jimmy and Spock on the head... you're awesome =3

I just hope a certain someone will not use their Head-Whacker on me for being slow with my updates =D

Alright, here's chapter 8, enjoy!

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes <strong>

Chapter 8: the light, the heat

The light above the kitchen table spilled over the half empty fruit basket. The glass of Kray-juice had spilled over a little on the counter, leaving dark purple drops on the otherwise pristine countertop. A tea towel had dropped to the floor, splayed across the dark stone tiles like a dead bird. The fridge was still open and pumped cold air into the kitchen. The silence permeated the air, filling it with a strange, wadded atmosphere.

Jim sat frozen in his spot on the counter. His neck ached and he could still feel the ghost of Spock's raspy cat-like tongue in his mouth. His brain seemed to have a hard time rebooting and getting a grasp of the situation.

Finally, he grabbed the half-empty glass of Kray-juice and gulped the rest down haphazardly.

Spock had kissed him.

Like in the strange dream he had before walking downstairs and discovering Spock in the garden.

Damn, his life was messed up and it was getting worse by the minute. His best friend had practically raped his mouth and he had loved every minute of it. Jim glared down at the tenting in his pants. Traitor.

But what could he do? Spock was... perfect. Gorgeous. Broad shouldered, muscular body, high cheekbones and those chocolate brown eyes that seemed to see right into Jim. He was the very definition of tall, dark and handsome and- _damn_.

Alright. He was definitely panicking now. Hell, he was pining after Spock, of all people. They had grown up together, he should be so used to Spock and his silly quirks, that he should not be able to find _anything_ erotic about the Vulcan-hybrid... right?

Then why was he sporting a major hard-on and found himself unable to forget the feel of Spock's hand in his own?

Because, apparently, he was not only a masochist but a brain damaged retard too. Surprise.

Jim groaned, feeling his head start to ache strangely. It was like something tiny and precious had been peeking out from its hiding place, only to be beaten back inside again and left to bleed out. Somehow, he felt responsible for the hurt, even if it was his own fucking head that was hurting. He was going insane.

He slid off the counter, his knees wobbly and threatening to simply give out beneath him. On his way towards the door, he closed the fridge and hobbled into the living room, where he plopped down on the couch. The silence was deafening and the dull throb in the back of his head was steadily growing into a full blown migraine.

The wound on his neck was tingling uncomfortably. He lifted a hand to touch it, coming in contact with sticky blood and hissing when his fingertips skimmed across the deep puncture marks. That thing had hurt a lot less when Spock was still-

Jim blushed heavily and tried to derail that particular train of thought hastily.

Why had he let Spock do this to him?

He should have stopped the whole thing as soon as he understood what was going on. But... he did not. Somewhere between getting bitten by a crazy Vulcan and having said Vulcan label Jim as his property, his brain had decided to short circuit and simply accept all of it as an axiomatic fact. Hell, he even _agreed_ verbally to it!

If that was not screwed up, then he did not know either.

Also, he needed to stop thinking about Spock's hands on his skin. That did not help the arousal sitting low in his abdomen at all. Fuck.

He wriggled his ass uncomfortably, his boxer shorts chafed against his erection and he shot the tent in his pants a dark glare. "Down, boy."

He knew he was seventeen and probably so hormone wrecked that he would fall for everything that had two legs and was neither Amanda nor Sarek. Of course, that would include Bones too, since the man was actually pretty good looking. On the other hand... he sometimes acted like a worried mother, so that would make the whole thing very awkward. Also, Spock would probably have a hissing fit if Jim ever thought about Bones in that way in his presence.

"What the hell?" Jim muttered. "Dick, stop taking over my brain's job, this is getting really, _really _weird. Why would Spock care if Bones and I-"

Maybe he should not talk to his dick. That would probably help in preserving what was left of his sanity. Provided, that Jim had ever been something close to sane. The more he thought about it, the more he doubted it. He was thinking about his best friend in a sexual manner. Additionally, he was hard and had been so for entirely _too long_. Jim stood and made his way to the large bathroom located down the hall behind the living room area. He stepped inside, locking the door and shedding his clothes.

He stepped into the shower and turned it on, before starting to jerk himself off quickly. He chose to ignore the fact that he was thinking about Spock while doing so.

Jim leaned his forehead against the tiles, letting the warm water beat down on his back. What was he supposed to do now? Apparently, he had a tiny crush on Spock. Okay, maybe not exactly tiny, since he had let him _bite his neck bloody_, for fuck's sake.

Speaking of that, he needed to patch up that bite mark.

Jim turned the shower head off and stepped gingerly out of the shower to grab a towel. The first-aid kit was located quickly, since Spock had not bothered to put it back into its place after he had tended to his leg yesterday. Jim stuck a patch onto the stinging wound and sighed, when it instantly cooled the area.

His gaze fell to the bloodied pullover and shirt on the floor and he furrowed his brows. He should have gone to his own bathroom. There was no way he would change back into his soiled clothes.

Jim sighed, slung the towel around his hips and gathered the garments up to limp back to the staircase. The way up was slow and he sighed in relief when he finally reached his room. He hastily put on a new pair of boxers and pulled on a new t-shirt.

He gazed down at formerly Spock's pullover. The collar was even bloodier than the shirts and stretched out to the point of tearing. He sighed and threw it in the laundry chute along with the other clothes. Hopefully, it would not be thrown away.

He loved that pullover.

Jim plopped down on his bed and carded a hand through his still wet hair.

He needed to get some order into the jumble of useless thoughts.

So, for some reason, Spock had decided that it would be prudent to declare Jim as his and ravage him on the kitchen counter. Why? Because he was losing control. The reason for that? A stupid, idiotic thing called Pon Farr.

Jim frowned. Damn, Vulcans must have pissed Nature off at some point; there was no other explanation for this. Either that, or Nature thought that they would decide, that having sex was illogical and die out without Pon Farr in the near future.

Who knew?

He closed his eyes tiredly.

_Spock was leaning above him, his black hair reflecting the light, the heat of Jim's palms clashed with the Vulcan-hybrid's cool chest-_

Jim gasped and opened his eyes to stare at the wall. What the hell?

What had that been just now?

He had lost it. Utterly lost it. Either that, or Pon Farr was contagious and Spock had infected him with it.

_Oh yes, that sounded very logical, indeed_. Jim rolled his eyes. Now he was thinking like a Vulcan. Sarek would be delighted.

He had to talk to Spock sooner or later. This could not end like last time. Spock had been running away more often than not. It was annoying and Jim felt himself reminded of himself. And that made the whole situation _even more_ aggravating.

He bit his lip. This thing had to be solved. The sooner the better. Spock needed to bond with T'Pring or Jim would never have to worry about that stupid, stupid, _stupid _crush any more. His leg started to jiggle up and down nervously.

_Cool fingers weaved themselves between his; a tingle crawled up his arm. He shuddered, pressing himself closer to the taller man, pressing his lips against the collarbone-_

Jim surged to his feet. That was it; he would talk to Spock _right now_.

He marched out of his room and froze upon reaching Spock's. The door was not locked like usual and it hissed open immediately as he stepped into the sensor's range. When he entered the room, he found it to be empty.

From the en suite bathroom however, he could hear the shower running.

Was Spock taking a shower?

Jim swallowed. He tried not the think of the way Spock would stand underneath the water as it poured down his muscular back and-

Fucking _hell_.

Jim sat down on Spock's bed, intending on waiting until the hybrid had finished his shower. His plan, of course, had the major flaw, that Spock would most likely only wear a towel when he left the bathroom. But that was a small price to pay. He could deal with that. Definitely. Because it was only Spock and he was not in dire need of getting ravished by his best friend again.

Nope.

Twenty minutes went by and Jim noticed that the way the shower sounded never changed. Spock was either not moving at all under the water or something was wrong.

Jim stumbled towards the bathroom door and unlocked it quickly.

Spock was huddled underneath the shower head, his clothes soaked and his eyes staring at the floor before him. Jim walked towards the shower. "Spock?"

Spock did not react at all, he did not even blink.

Jim knelt down, then reached out and touched Spock's face, drawing his hand back upon finding it not only wet but ice cold. "Oh fuck."

He quickly turned off the shower. Had Spock gone mad already? What was he thinking?

"Spock, damn, what were you thinking? You know how the cold affects you, are you trying to get yourself killed?" Jim grabbed Spock's shoulders and shook the unresponsive Vulcan. "Answer me!"

Spock blinked, finally, and his chocolate brown eyes slid upwards to meet Jim's eyes. "Jim...?"

"Yes, you silly Vulcan," Jim laughed. "What the hell were you doing?"

"Jim," Spock's head tilted forward, he lifted his arms weakly and wrapped them around Jim's waist.

Jim shuddered as the cold water seeped into his clothes. "Spock, we need to get you into something dry, you're going to get sick at this rate."

Spock pressed his face where Jim had covered the bite mark with the patch and whined pitifully.

"_Rai_...," Spock shook his head slightly.

Jim felt something inside him break a little at the sound. "Yes, Spock. Please."

Spock clung tighter to him. Jim did not know how to deal with this situation. He had never seen Spock so... so vulnerable. He pressed his hand against Spock's cheek, fingers splayed marginally in a crude imitation of a meld, for the simple purpose of letting his emotion calm the older man down.

Spock sagged into his embrace, cold and heavy. Jim nuzzled the dripping mop of hair. "Can you stand up?"

"_Sanu_, _Jim_, _gol-tor..._"

"_Uf_, _Spock_?" Jim was unnerved by the way that Spock had slipped back into Vulcan with him.

They mostly spoke English at home. It had been a rule Amanda had made, to give Jim a little feel of being welcome when he was younger. It was a moot point after Jim had learned Vulcan in barely four week's time of course. However, they had all become so used to switching to English as soon as they had entered the house that it had simply stuck.

But now... Spock did not only speak Vulcan, but a very crude version of it too. As if he was unable to express himself accurately anymore. The Vulcan was begging Jim for help, but how could he help someone, when he did not even know how? Jim bit his lip and tried to stand. Spock clung to him like a giant octopus. Well, the analogy was at least fitting seeing how Spock was dripping water everywhere.

Somehow he managed to drag the dazed Vulcan to his feet and almost fell, when Spock's body started listing heavily to the left. "Spock, Spock, _Spock_! Come on, pull yourself together. I need you to help me; I can't carry you, for fuck's sake!"

Spock dropped his head against Jim's. It hurt a little, but he ignored it in favour of concentrating on Spock's mouth.

"_Vaksurik_...," Spock breathed.

Jim felt his cheeks heat up almost instantly. "O-okay. Yes. _Shaya tonat, Spock_."

Damn, he was thanking him for calling him beautiful. Spock called him beautiful. Fuck. That should not make him happy. Not at all.

Spock's chest rumbled with an appreciative purr.

Jim swallowed thickly. "Alright, come on. Let's get you out of here."

Jim did not recall how exactly he managed to lug the taller man out of the bathroom, nor how he got Spock to get out of his wet clothes. All he knew was that Spock had a very nice ass and was a little less Vulcan in the aspect of his genitals. Meaning, they were not retractable.

Jim felt like his head was going to explode if any more blood was pumped into his cheeks. He was probably glowing with embarrassment by now.

Spock had finally, _finally_ pulled a pair of pants over his boxers and fell onto his mattress in a decidedly un-Vulcan way. His breathing was laboured and he looked unhealthily pale. Jim limped towards him, climbing onto the bed to touch Spock's forehead.

He was warm.

Jim cursed and brushed the tussled hair out of Spock's face. "Spock? Do you feel sick?"

Spock shook his head, then seemed to think better of it and shrugged. He latched onto Jim again, as if it was detrimental to his health to not touch him.

"Spock, you have to help me here. I want to help you, but you have to tell me how. Please."

He got no verbal answer; instead, Spock wormed his hands under Jim's shirt and pressed his palms flat against his spine. Jim shuddered and let Spock practically crawl into his lap and press his face against his stomach.

_A rough, flat tongue lapped across Jim's shoulder blades, while a pair of elegant hands stroked up and down his sides-_

This was getting out of hand again. Jim patted Spock's back. "Spock, you can't do this, come on. You're going to bond with T'Pring tomorrow."

Spock tensed, a strange, raw sound escaped his throat and Jim actually felt the Vulcan retreat further into his own mind.

"Spock? Don't do this, please!" Jim tugged on Spock's shoulders, trying to get the taller man to look at him.

He was met with an empty stare that almost made him break down in hysterics.

"Spock, you stupid Vulcan, get a grip!"

Spock jolted, then curled his body away from Jim, hands falling away from his skin to tug on black hair. Jim watched in horror as Spock's face contorted with pain and his body started to tremble. This was wrong. This should not be happening. Jim reached for Spock, only to have the Vulcan jerk away from his touch with a groan that spoke of unbearable agony.

"Spock...," Jim choked out. "I... I'm sorry, _ni'droi'ik na-tor_...!"

Spock's hand twitched into his direction, fingers curling weakly into the fabric of Jim's shirt. "_Sanu_..."

"Spock, I-I can't... I don't know how," Jim felt tears gather in his eyes, when he felt Spock flinch and give another whine. "Spock you have... have to hold on a little longer, alright? Tomorrow, you'll be bonded to T'Pring; you're going to be fine, okay? Just... just..."

His throat closed up and he was unable to continue speaking.

Spock's breathing had grown shallow, he was squirming in obvious pain and the way he pushed his head back into Jim's lap to press his face into Jim's abdomen made Jim want to cry like a baby.

Spock seemed so helpless. It was like watching a tiny bird that had fallen out of its nest try to call for its mother. Jim sniffled and gasped when Spock went motionless. "Spock?"

He shook the Vulcan's shoulder. No reaction at all. Not even a twitch.

Jim was truly panicking now. He turned his head towards the door. "_Amanda_!"

He screamed his lungs out, calling for her, while he cradled a limp Spock in his arms.

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><p>Why, yes. I love cliffhangers, how did you know?<p> 


	13. Chapter 9: See The Doorway

Heeeelloooo~.

Uhm, I know you all hate cliffhangers now.

Also, I do not know if I believe that someone in possession of a Head Whacker can be a pacifist. _

That is why I will be wearing a helmet from now on.

Btw, I got sick, because the Uni is too stupid to switch the air conditioning off and the heating on. Now it's cold whether or not I am inside the university. Bah.

I hope you'll like the chapter!

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes <strong>

Chapter 9: see the doorway

_It was cold. Too cold. He could not breathe. The air scraped across the inside of his throat and turned his lungs to ice. He curled his shivering body into a tight ball, hoping to coax some warmth into his heavy limbs, but to no avail. _

_Broken glass littered the ground in front of him. The usually red cliffs around him had darkened to a murky brown. His throat was chaffed raw and there was a constant thrum in his ears, loud and unrelenting. _

_He saw the door in the distance. Golden light was streaming out from underneath and promised warmth and security. Everything inside of him screamed to stand up, to walk over to that door and break the chains. But how could he? He was frozen against the rocks he was leaning on. _

_He should not be so cold. He should be burning, bursting into flames and fall to ashes-_

Spock opened his eyes wearily.

His head was resting on something hard but pliant, his face was pressed into some sort of fabric and as he breathed in, he could smell Jim's shampoo. He blinked sleepily and tried to turn his head a little, finding even this miniscule movement to be a chore.

Every bone in his body seemed to ache, his limbs felt like they had been filled with lead while he had slept. Had he slept?

"Spock?" Jim's voice was kept low, but still surprised him for a second.

Spock looked up, finding the younger man gazing down at him with watery eyes. "Jim...? What has happened?"

"Before or after you decided to take an ice-cold shower with your clothes on?" Jim whispered. A tiny, wavering smile sat on his lips.

Spock closed his eyes again, feeling his ears heat up. "Ah. After."

"You... were barely coherent and clung to me constantly. I didn't know what I should do. You were in pain and when you lost consciousness, I called for Amanda." Jim swallowed audibly. "I'm sorry."

Spock shook his head weakly and sat up with Jim's help. Finally, he noticed that he had wrapped his hand around Jim's wrist and let go. A whine escaped his throat, upon noticing the bluish bruises his grip had left behind.

"Ssh, it's okay," Jim nuzzled his nose in a gesture that his Mother called an 'Eskimo kiss'.

"_James_."

Spock flinched at his Father's voice, while Jim gave an undignified shriek and scrambled backwards.

Spock suddenly felt colder than before, his body already missing the Human's warmth.

Spock turned his head, swaying in his seated position now that Jim's support was gone. His Father was standing beside the door, eyes trained on Jim with a disapproving glare. Mother idled near him, her hands clasped in front of her as she looked at Spock, before she sighed and tugged at his Father's sleeve. "Sarek, stop staring Jim down, he's just trying to help."

"Amanda, you-"

"No, don't you try to patronise me. Go and call T'Pau. Shoo!"

Father blinked, then simply turned and left the room.

Jim giggled. "Okay. Amanda, you're awesome."

"Thank you darling," Mother smiled and then turned serious. "What exactly was that just now, Jim?"

Jim lifted his injured wrist. "Spock was getting all guilty over this and I wanted to make him feel better...?"

Mother's eyes narrowed and she nodded slowly. "I see."

Spock reached out to Jim, clasping the fabric of his shirt tightly. Jim scooted a little closer and Spock exhaled shakily as the icy feeling inside his torso abated a little.

_-he crawled near Jim's door, ignoring the calling from the chained one, as he placed his cold hands against the warm wood-_

Spock curled forward, resting his forehead against Jim's shoulder. He was so tired. He did not know what to do with himself. All he truly wanted to do was curl up against Jim and sleep forever. He wanted to touch Jim's skin and dive into the ocean of his mind to escape the black despair that had overtaken his own thoughts. But he could not.

Jim did not belong to him. His brain knew this fact, but his body was reacting to the Human in the strangest of ways. Spock was sure, that it was simply because of the Pon Farr that he found Jim so... irresistible. He was simply latching onto the one thing that he probably knew better than himself and that knowledge was acting as a sort of instant permission to satisfy-

He groaned inaudibly and clutched Jim a little tighter to himself.

Mother cleared her throat and he lifted his head to look at her again. She seemed torn between smiling and frowning, her eyes twinkled with an emotion that Spock was unable to identify. It made him want to fidget in discomfort.

The silence in the room was becoming unnerving too.

"Mother, why is Father calling for T'Pau?"

"After Jim told us what happened we decided that it would be best to examine your mind once more," Mother sighed. "You should let Jim go, before your Father has a fit, in a very Vulcan way, of course."

Jim snorted, ruffling Spock's hair further in the process, before Spock felt him pull away.

He immediately tightened his hold and squeezed another unmanly squeak out of Jim. "Urgh, Spock, wha-"

"_Rai_."

"_Ha_, you silly elf, Sarek's going to kill me if you don't let go!"

Spock growled but let Jim go reluctantly. Silence filled the room and Spock scooted towards the head of the bed to lean against the pillows. He was too exhausted to keep sitting upright any longer. Jim began to fiddle with the bed sheets, eyes downcast and shoulders slumped.

Spock traced the elegant slope of his neck with his eyes, stopping at the stark white patch covering the area where he had bitten the younger man. For some reason it displeased him that Jim wanted to get rid of the mark.

_-Jim's door was rotting before his eyes, the wood turning black and crumbling-_

The cold inside him was close to unbearable. He fought to keep his face emotionless, but the way Jim was squirming in his place and the worried glances he kept throwing towards him were hard to miss.

_-even if the wood was slowly getting holey, he could not see the doorway that usually lay behind it, there was nothing there anymore-_

Father returned 14.3 minutes later. T'Pau stepped into the room after him, head lowered slightly as she gazed at Spock.

Spock lifted a hand to greet her. "Lady T'Pau."

"Spock," she nodded once and approached the bed, sitting down on the edge. "Will you let me have thy mind?"

Spock inclined his head, before turning his face towards T'Pau. Her old, withered hands settled gently on his meld-points and he closed his eyes instinctively as he felt her slip into his mind.

_He refused to uncurl himself from his position against Jim's broken door, trying to stop the brittle wood from collapsing by willing it to hold itself together a little longer. His eyes, however, were trained at the sealed entrance under which the golden light shone out towards him. Soft whispers and a gentle hum vibrated across the newly grown glass-saplings, causing them to clink softly. _

_T'Pau was a cool presence, a ghost, constantly shifting as if she was made of smoke. Spock looked up at her silently. She gazed back through colourless eyes and then reached out to touch what was once his most sacred mental possession. _

"_This door is not needed anymore, Spock."_

"_Why is it falling apart?"_

_T'Pau shook her head. "It is of no importance. You cannot save this door."_

"_But I need it."_

_Her fingers grazed the wood and her nails left deep wounds, splinters and sawdust snowed down upon Spock's head settling in his hair like ash. _

_She turned around to look at the chained door. "You have another door, Spock."_

"_It is locked. And, even if I was able to open it, I do not know where it will lead me."_

_T'Pau stepped towards the chained mystery door, her feet stepping onto the flowers without breaking them. Her hands touched the chains carefully, tracing those that were already broken and dangling uselessly from where they were tangled with the intact ones. "I shall open the door for you, Spock."_

_Spock stood slowly, shivering still. He turned back to Jim's door once more, kissing the golden handle, now dull and chuffed, before pulling away and striding towards the elderly Vulcan. "How can I assist you?"_

"_Do not struggle, even if it might be uncomfortable or feel intrusive. It is a natural reaction. This door was sealed to protect something precious, but also something you were consciously unaware of."_

_Spock nodded and braced himself. T'Pau exhaled and then reached out for one of the locks, grasping it tightly in her slender hands. She crushed the lock without further ado and Spock flinched. The cliffs around him shook and a few rocks broke apart, revealing their bright red innards. _

_The next lock was broken. Spock locked his jaws at the raw feeling building around him, as if a wound was ripped open further and further with every lock T'Pau destroyed. Finally the last chain binding the door tumbled to the ground and Spock almost crumbled to his knees, gasping for breath. _

"_You must open it yourself. I have already pried too much," T'Pau guided his shaking hand towards the golden doorknob. _

_He wrapped his fingers around it, feeling it heat beneath his palm. He turned it cautiously and pulled the door open. The next second he was blinded by a bright light that burned the ice away and left him breathless-_

Spock jerked away from T'Pau's hand, gulping down one heaving breath after the other.

"Spock!" Jim was beside him in an instant, his warm hands touching his face, soothing the acidic burn in his mind. "Are you alright?"

"Do not touch him, James," Father's command was sharp and Jim immediately shrunk away from Spock, leaving him to suppress a pathetic whimper.

"I am sorry," Jim spoke softly.

"What have you found, Lady T'Pau?" Mother asked.

"I cannot say for sure, Spock broke the meld too soon," T'Pau did not once glance away from Spock. "I need your permission to repeat the meld, Spock."

Spock almost refused. "You may."

_Spock found himself holding a golden ribbon in his hand. It twined around his wrist, twisting up and melting into the skin covering his sternum. His feet were immersed in warm water. He felt sand between his toes and the stars above him twinkled gently. _

_It all seemed very familiar but he could not place it. He held onto the ribbon tightly, feeling someone tug on it. _

_T'Pau crystallized out of the cool air; her eyes were wide with wonder, even if her face did not betray any emotion whatsoever. _

"_I see," she gazed at the golden cord, Spock held on tighter, trying to pull more of it towards himself. _

_It worked only marginally, something was holding it back and a soft vibration travelled through the connection and Spock felt a twinge of pain that was not his own. _

"_We shall return now."_

Spock's eyes fluttered open and he was confused upon finding his Mother sitting on the bed beside Jim, holding him tightly. "Mother...?"

She looked up and smiled uncertainly. "He has a headache."

"Were you able to find what is wrong with my son?" Father inquired. He had not moved an inch from the door.

"Indeed I have. There is nothing wrong with Spock."

"Then why is he reacting in this manner? It is unnatural."

T'Pau inclined her head. "It would be, if Spock was reacting this way towards someone he was not bonded with."

Spock watched his Father's eyes widen momentarily, before they shuttered and their gaze turned stony. "What is it you are saying?"

"Spock and James have formed a bond. It is very strong, stronger than what is usually seen in young, bonded pairs," T'Pau folded her hands on her lap. "It was blocked. I assume that they were both unaware of it being formed at all. Spock's mind refused T'Pring's out of the simple reason that his subconscious knew he was bonded to someone already, thus recognising T'Pring as nothing more but an unwelcome intruder."

Father inclined his head. Spock swallowed thickly.

"How could this happen?"

T'Pau looked at Spock, then at Jim, whom had managed to compose himself enough to sit up. "Usually these kinds of bonds happen through excessive melding of two extremely compatible minds."

"Spock. Have you melded with James even after I have forbidden you to do so?"

Spock cringed slightly. "Yes, Father."

"Why?"

"It was my fault," Jim said, his voice strained. "I asked him to. It made me feel safe, it... it was like an addiction. I didn't know that would happen."

Mother brushed a golden lock from Jim's forehead, Spock watched her kiss his brow. He was bonded to Jim. He belonged to him after all. He was _right_. Jim was his- no. He had to stop thinking like this. Jim belonged to no one but himself.

"Before I was called here, what exactly happened, James?"

Jim swallowed audibly. "Before or after Spock took his ice-shower?"

"Before."

"Oh...," Jim blushed heavily and Spock was tempted to touch the heated redness of his face. "Well, I... couldn't sleep and I went to get myself something to drink from the kitchen. But I somehow... I dunno, I got a hunch or something that I should go out, into the garden, you know? I found Spock there and brought him back with me, because I was still thirsty. I was just drinking my juice when Spock just... _snapped_. He... uhm..."

Jim broke off and Spock would have been grateful for a convenient hole to swallow him right then and there.

"Anyway, he bit me. It hurt at first but... not for long. It... started to... feel _good_, like it was supposed to be that way-"

"He bit you? Where?" Mother injected her eyes wide.

Jim pulled the collar of his shirt down, exposing the patch a little more.

Mother gasped her own hand flying to her neck. "Oh dear!"

"What?" Jim was panicking, Spock could feel it. "What?"

"Jim, what happened then?" T'Pau asked calmly.

"Uh... I... managed to get myself back together and told him that this was not normal, that it was wrong. Spock... he... he ran away then. The next time I saw him was when I found him in the shower..."

Spock felt his insides throb; he curled forward with a low gasp. Jim's soft call barely reached his ears and he was unable to identify what he had said, but the soft hands cradling his fevered face soothed the acid gnawing through him. His vision went hazy and he closed his eyes, letting his head drop against Jim's shoulder.

"Spock, not again please! Stay with me!"

"_Ni'droi'ik nar-tor_..." _Forgive me_.

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><p>Uh... yeah. sorry. another cliffhanger... fuuh...<p> 


	14. Chapter 10: To Touch The Light

Hey guys! Uhm. You probably all hate me for the damn cliffhangers already, huh?

Sorry.

And... TooLazyToLogIn thanks for the tea! Uh... and... maye you could take Bones back? Along with the HeadWhacker? I'm fearing for my already very small amount of braincells... _

Soooo, thank you all for the reviews, even if most of them begin with "NO. NOT ANOTHER CLIFFHANGER." Becaue to be honest, your utter hate for my cliffhangers actually makes me giggle. In an evil and very dignified way, of course.

Okay. On to the chapter. Have fun!

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Chapter 10: to touch the light

The room was deathly silent as Jim pulled Spock against himself, nosing the thick, black hair. He lifted his eyes to look at T'Pau. "What's wrong with him?"

"You rejected him."

"I did what?"

"When you stopped him and told him that he what he was doing was wrong, his instincts registered this as a rejection of both his person and the bond. For a Vulcan, such a rejection causes a mental injury that is very hard to overcome. In normal cases, this would prompt the wounded party to fall into a natural healing trance. Due to Spock's already weakened state, however, he has simply retreated to protect himself from further harm."

Jim's blood turned cold and his stomach seemed to drop out of his abdominal cavity to splatter onto the bed. "S-so it's my fault?"

"You were not aware of this fact. Logically, you cannot be held responsible."

Spock stirred a little, fisting his hands into Jim's shirt so tightly that he swore he could hear the fabric strain. Something was tugging in his head, hard and desperate, but he refused to follow the insistent pull.

A soft, pained hiss escaped Spock's throat and Jim felt the alien heart flutter beneath his palm, too slow and getting weaker by the second. Jim bit his lip, tasting blood and raised his head to address T'Pau once more. "Is he going to die?"

Amanda released a breathy sob.

T'Pau did not answer immediately, her grey eyes drilling themselves into Jim's. Finally, she inclined her head. "It is likely."

Spock murmured something against Jim's shoulder then squirmed in clear discomfort, causing the shirt he wore to slip up. Jim's hand came to rest against the hybrid's side.

_-his insides were on fire, he was burning, he was falling apart-_

Jim helplessly held onto the too-warm body in his arms, listening to the shallow breath fluttering against his ear. "Spock... Spock, don't do this, come on..."

"James, release my son, you have done enough-"

"_Sarek_!" Jim flinched at Amanda's exclamation.

She almost never raised her voice. If she did, whoever caused her to do so was certain to pay dearly for their wrongdoings. Yes, in some ways, Amanda was a lot scarier than an angered Vulcan.

Nobody deliberately angered a woman, even less if said woman was a mother.

Sarek stared at his wife, an eyebrow raised, mouth opening to retort, but she simply ploughed onwards. "No, I have watched you behave like a complete _moron _long enough. Jim has done nothing wrong; you knew Spock and he were close! Everyone did. As if it wasn't obvious. It might have been careless of them to meld even though you forbade it, but you are certainly not going to blame Jim for forming this bond. How should they have predicted the outcome of their melding? Stop being so childish, there is nothing we can do about the situation now. _Kaiidth_. What is, is."

Jim swallowed thickly, silently thanking Amanda for being simply the greatest human being to ever exist. Sarek's mouth was a straight line, his brows marginally furrowed, creating a tiny, barely there line between them. Finally, he dipped his head forward in silent defeat.

Amanda sagged back onto the bed, her head turning towards Jim. Tears had gathered in her eyes, threatening to drip down her pale face.

Spock had not moved once throughout Manda's speech, instead he had completely slumped against Jim, leaning heavily onto him, face tucked against his neck. His breathing had become heavier and his skin was now warmer than Jim's.

"T'Pau, he's getting worse."

T'Pau reached out to place a fingertip against Spock's temple. "It is progressing faster than I had assumed it would. He will reach the state of Plak Tow in approximately 5.7 hours."

"Fuck," Jim said quietly.

"Language, Jimmy," Amanda scolded, but her voice was shaking.

He ignored her. Spock was practically running towards death.

"Why don't... don't you just break the bond?" Jim asked softly, cradling Spock a little closer, when the hybrid keened in agony. "Ssh..."

This was too much. His head hurt, Spock was suffering in his arms and he was unable to help him. It was torture. This was a thousand times worse than the time Spock had refused to talk to him about the bruises he had received from his peers, after they had called Amanda a whore and Spock beat them up. It had taken him almost two days to get the story out of the stubborn Vulcan-hybrid.

At least, when Spock had only ignored him, he was able to use his stubbornness to drag the Vulcan out of his shell.

"This would indeed remedy the situation," Sarek said, turning to T'Pau.

She shook her head once. "If I were to break the bond, it would damage his mind beyond repair. It is already very strong and he is too weak to heal himself."

Jim closed his eyes and leaned his head down to rest his cheek against Spock's. A tear rolled down the side of his face to splash onto Spock's brow.

_He was dragged down, his knees had given out and the water, usually warm and soothing, was ice cold. His eyes landed on the door to Spock's mind and he gasped when he found it splintered and broken. He crawled forward, touching it delicately, crying out in anguish, when it fell apart completely, leaving nothing but dust behind. _

_A golden light illuminated the dark from behind him, reflecting off the tiny waves he had created when he dropped to his knees. _

_He turned his head, finding the door, which had been chained closed, freed of its locks and ajar. With shaking legs he stood, ambling towards the ornate door. The light warmed his frigid skin and he nudged the door open gently. _

_The light twined into a golden ribbon, melting into his breastbone and causing the skin around it to glow softly. _

"-is he doing?"

"I believe he has fallen into a meld with your son. Fascinating. They must be very accustomed to each other."

"Unacceptable, wake him. He has to leave the room."

"Sarek. Right now, James is all that has kept Spock from falling into the blood fever."

"You said he still had six hours!"

"Yes. Because of James."

Jim's eyes blinked open for a short moment.

"If they had not decided to disobey me, this situation would have never occurred."

_He touched the cord carefully, feeling it pulse with emotions and pain. The sand chaffed painfully at the skin between his toes. There was a large tree growing out of the water-covered sand, the branches thin and hanging down to skim the surface, creating tiny waves. The tree possessed no leaves; instead it was bearing millions of tiny glass-pearls. They were glowing softly golden, just like the ribbon stuck to Jim's body. _

_A few pearls had fallen off the tree and accumulated between the thick, visible roots. Jim took a step closer as he felt another weak pull. He plucked the ribbon, like the chord of a violin_

_Laughter echoed through the space around him, he stilled in his tracks and waited, not surprised, when he heard his own voice._

"_Don't look at me like that, Spock! It was my first try! Cooking is really hard."_

"_Indeed."_

"_Oh, shut up, will you? At least I didn't make the pot explode like a certain someone in the room."_

_Jim watched the memory play before him, saw himself, now eleven years of age, standing beside Spock, who was seated at the kitchen-table and cautiously prodding the food on the plate in front of him. The picture faded away slowly and Jim had to smile._

"_Do you have to go?"_

"_I will return in three days, Jim."_

"_I know."_

_Jim was eight years old, fidgeting in front of an eleven-year-old Spock. He fiddled with the hem of his shirt and then lifted his gaze to look at his best friend. "I'm gonna miss you."_

_Spock's eyes softened and a twitch curled his lips upward. "I shall call you as soon as I have arrived."_

"_Pinky promise?"_

_Jim gulped audibly as he watched Spock stick his little finger up to curl it around Jim's younger self's. He turned away, closing his eyes to shut out what he was seeing. Another memory started up, as if to mock him._

"_Do you like it?"_

"_Vulcans do not 'like.'"_

"_Aw, come on, I look awesome, right?"_

"_The colour of your shirt compliments your eyes."_

"_Heh, good enough. That was practically a marriage proposal in Vulcan standards."_

"_Do not be illogical, Jim."_

"_Me? Illogical? Never!"_

_Jim bit his lip, curling his hands into fists. "_Stop._"_

_Immediately, it was silent around him. A sense of bone-deep sorrow crawled into him and settled near his heart._

"Jim? Jimmy, can you hear me?"

He opened his eyes, blinking wearily at Amanda. "Y-yeah..?"

"Thank God... what did you see?"

"A tree...," he was so confused, his brain was seemingly spinning in his head and his eyes were quivering in their sockets. "A tree with pearls..."

Amanda's brows furrowed with concern. "Honey, are you alright?"

"It is the anchor of their bond. It is different for every bonded pair," T'Pau leaned forward. "James, were you able to follow the bond?"

"I... I didn't try. I was just...," Jim frowned, unable to explain what he had been doing. "I don't know."

"I see. Are you willing to try again and follow the bond? You may be able to keep Spock from fully pulling back into his own mind and perish in the process."

Jim glanced down at the unconscious hybrid in his arms. His skin was definitely feverish now; his lips were cracked and dry. He looked horrible. Barely alive.

"Alright."

_More pearls littered the water. The golden glow was getting dimmer where it vanished in the darkness on the other side. Jim grabbed onto the ribbon and followed it towards the aching part of the strange landscape he found himself in._

_The water had cooled down further and the sand scraped his heels bloody, the grains lodging themselves into the wounds. _

_Jim staggered onward, trying to reach out for the end of the ribbon where he knew he would find Spock. _

"_Spock?"_

_A whimper floated through the air and Jim stumbled towards the sound. _

_A child was sitting on one of the few rocks protruding out of the sand and water. Its legs were curled up against its torso and the mop of black, straight hair parted where the pointed ears were revealed its identity to Jim. _

"_Spock?" Jim whispered once more as he stepped towards the Vulcan child. "Look at me, please."_

_A pair of glassy, brown eyes moved up to stare blankly at him. A shudder ran down Jim's spine when a harsh spasm shook the tiny boy's frame and caused a pained cry to tear itself from his throat._

"_What have I done...?" Jim sank down to his knees, the water soaking the linen of his pants. _

"_Jim?" the small hybrid blinked, his voice cracked marginally and a pair of small hands reached out to touch his face. _

_He looked up into the innocent face, the pain hiding behind those chocolate eyes. "I'm so sorry, Spock. I never meant to hurt you."_

"_I know. It is not your fault."_

"_That's what everyone says at the moment, but-"_

"_No," Spock's fingers traced over his brows and Jim felt weird talking to somebody who was usually older and taller than him, but now probably would barely reach his hip when standing up. "You are not responsible for what has occurred."_

"_You aren't either."_

_The small boy closed his eyes for a second. Jim felt the bond thrum with shame. _

"_Forgive me."_

"_You said that before falling unconscious, what for, I do not know."_

"_For making you go through all of this. It is not your responsibility; you should not have to-"_

"_Spock. We're best friends. I know you better than you know yourself sometimes and I think it's safe to say that it's the same for you. I'm going to find a way to help you. You just have to wake up again. Don't pull away, you're... you're going to kill yourself if you stay like this."_

_Jim had closed his eyes, feeling the tears burn even though they were not real. The knuckles of an elegant hand wiped a stray tear away and Jim found himself blinking into a grown Spock's face. The Vulcan was fatigued, his eyes half-lidded and bloodshot. A flood of contentment and affection warmed his insides. _

"_I cannot find the way back, Jim."_

"_That's what I'm here for," he leaned into Spock's touch. "I'm going to take you back with me."_

_Spock swallowed audibly, his brown eyes darkening. "Are you certain? I do not know what I will do once I am fully awake again."_

"_I don't care. I won't let you lie down and die. Never."_

_Spock's lips twitched upwards. "Very well."_

Jim snapped awake, feeling Spock trying to curl up against him. "Ssh, you're okay, Spock, I've got you, ssh..."

Spock groaned and opened his eyes to focus shakily on him. "J-Jim."

"Yes, you're fine, you're back."

"M-Mistake...," Spock slurred and his head dropped heavily against Jim's collarbone. "Pain... worse than... b-before."

Jim could not hold back the tiny sob threatening to choke him, when Spock fell limp. "T'Pau, do something!"

"I cannot, James."

"Then why did I have to get him back?"

"Because if you had not, he might have never woken up again, his body was close to simply shutting itself down completely."

"He's going to die anyway, by the sound of it!" Jim knew he was shouting at a Vulcan Elder, but he could not have cared less at the moment. He probably would have punched Sarek in the mouth, if it could have cured Spock. "At least he was not in that much pain when he was still in the mindscape!"

"Jimmy, please, it's okay-"

"James, calm yourself."

"No! Not before you come up with at least some sort of plan to save him! Our bond is clearly the issue, so why can't we remove it or block it in some way so that he can at least link himself to T'Pring too?"

"I have explained that it would cause Spock's mind to become damaged beyond repair. Your bond is too strong," T'Pau sounded still as calm as ever, but there was a pensive gleam in her eyes.

"Then what _can_ we do?"

"For now? Either we leave him to suffer until we have found a solution to the problem. Or you, James, take T'Pring's place as Spock's mate."

Jim blinked, his brain functions screeching to a halt. "Say what?"

* * *

><p>Aaaand, that was it. Yes. Another Cliffhanger. I'm sorry, it was just so, so, <em>so<em> tempting. The next chapter won't be a cliffhanger.

But it might take longer because I'm scared to write the sexy-times.

*slinks off and hides in the wardrobe alongside the guys from Narnia*


	15. Chapter 11: The Resolution

Okay, I got dragged out of my wardrobe. *huffs*

Talltree-san: You are a very, very perverted person. I like you. =)

TooLazyToLogInAgain: I was thinking about painting the mindscape too, but uni gets in the way all the time. I'm glad you like it so much. =)

Anyway, here's chapter 11, enjoy!

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Chapter 11: the resolution

The ceiling above him was familiar, the circular window in its middle letting the sunlight spill into the spacious hall-like room. It was the place where Mother kept her more delicate flowers when it became too hot in the summer months.

Spock turned his head, confused by the soft mattress he was lying on and the distinctive lack of any kind of plant. The room had been cleared out completely, leaving nothing but bare stone walls and the circular bed he had been placed on.

How did he get here?

"Finally, I thought I had to go back and wake you up again."

Spock sat up abruptly, momentarily confused that he was able to do so without experiencing any sort of pain. Jim was sitting at the far edge of the bed, legs crossed and wearing an unsure smile on his lips. His hair was a little damp and he was clad in a bathrobe that clearly did not belong to him, since it was attempting to swallow him whole.

Spock concluded that it was one of his bathrobes 2.6 seconds later.

"What has happened?"

"Well, after you fell unconscious _again_, everyone kinda panicked, except T'Pau of course. She then said that you were not in danger for now and that you would wake up again soon, if... if I acknowledged the bond between us."

Spock tensed. "Jim-"

"No, listen. When I told you that what you... what _we_ were doing, down in the kitchen, when I told you it was wrong... I rejected you. Rejected all of you and the bond. It hurt you. _I _hurt you. And I know you said it wasn't my fault, because I didn't know, but I _did_ know. Somehow, I did know that what I said was not the right thing to say, but I did it anyway, because I freaked out."

Jim huffed out a breath that might have been a laugh, but it came out as a bitter, self-deprecating huff.

"Why are we here, Jim?"

The Human did not look at him; his fingers were fiddling with the belt of his robe nervously. "I accepted the bond. Entirely."

"I gathered as much, since I am no longer in pain. That does not answer my question."

Spock watched Jim clear his throat, his cheeks staining with red. "T'Pau said that... I could save you by... by taking T'Pring's place."

A part of him wanted to pounce onto the younger man and ravish him as soon as the words had left those rosy lips. The other, still logically thinking, half, held him back with iron control. "I will not allow you to give yourself to me like this."

"Oh, so you'd rather die than fuck me?" a sharp pang of _hurt_ and _disbelief_ raced across the bond. "Don't lie to me; I'm in your head."

"Jim, please, I do not wish to harm you-"

"You won't," Jim scooted a little closer. "I trust you. I have always trusted you. Now you have to trust me. I'm doing this willingly, Spock."

Spock felt his control slip and the fever overtake his brain. He closed his eyes to breathe in shakily. "You do not have to-"

"Spock. It's okay. You're not exactly bad looking, alright? In fact, the little Vulcan boy with the bowl cut turned out to be quite a catch once he got his hair right and crossed the six-foot mark," Jim winked at him.

Spock released an involuntary purr, but caught himself quickly. "You are quite pleasing to the eye too, Jim."

"Aw, thanks," Jim pulled the knot of the bathrobe open.

_Apprehension_, _fear_ and a tiny, warm feeling that Spock was unable to place filtered through their connection. "Jim, what are you doing?"

"Getting naked, what does it look like?"

Spock closed his eyes. "Desist, please. My control is strenuous at best."

"Good," Jim quipped.

His sensitive ears picked up the slide of cloth against skin and he snapped his lids open. The robe had slid down Jim's arms, baring his thin shoulders and the delectable pair of clavicles visible beneath the smooth, tanned skin. _Stay in control_.

Only now Spock registered the alluring scent wafting over from Jim. He bit the inside of his cheek to steady himself. "Why are you wearing my bathrobe, Jim?"

"Oh. Well, after you... you fell unconscious again and T'Pau told us that the only way to save you was for me to accept my part and... take...take T'Pring's place, Amanda was stricken. She started to sob like we were _both_ dying and hell, if I wasn't sure that I would acknowledge the bond _before_, I definitely was then. I told them exactly that and she practically dragged me into your bathroom. Something about getting your scent on me and erasing every other scent. Whatever. Supposedly, it would make this whole shebang easier, because you would know I was yours then. I actually have no idea what the fuck she was talking about."

Spock lifted an eyebrow, feeling just as confused as Jim. "What was my Father's reaction to this?"

"Oh... well. He went all Super Vulcan. You know, if I hadn't known he was alive, I would have thought he was a dead body in the throes of rigor mortis, that's how still he suddenly went. T'Pau finally told him to leave the house for a while and calm himself."

"He has been unable to meditate properly for a few weeks."

Jim nodded. "He was worried about you, just like everyone else. And he probably can't cope with the fact that it's me that is the resolution to this mess."

Spock did not comment. Instead he watched as Jim slipped his left arm out of the bathrobe's sleeve. "Jim, I told you not to do this."

Jim smiled and drew the other arm out, letting the fabric pool around him. Spock scrambled off the bed and staggered backwards, before his knees gave out. His body shook and strained with the intense _longing_ and _need _that had overcome him as soon as he had struggled away from Jim.

He was about to lose control. He could not stay here.

He could not risk hurting Jim.

Jim stared at him, blue eyes wide with shock, before they softened again with understanding. Spock almost gasped when Jim lifted his hands, palms facing outward, and then tilted his head forward submissively.

"_T'du nash-veh, Spock_."

The simmering heat within Spock's abdomen was kindled once more and he somehow managed to stand, walking over to the round bed. His mind was fogged over and all that led him was the tightening, golden rope binding him to Jim. His Jim. _My Jim_. Finally, his knees hit the bed's edge and he climbed onto it.

His hands reached out, touching Jim's shoulders, feeling the smooth skin and the warmth radiating from the Human. Spock drew him close, the tension inside him loosened and he was able to breathe in deeply again. Jim inhaled shakily alongside him and when Spock leaned his forehead against the younger man's, he could feel the bond thrum with pleasure.

Spock tugged the bathrobe away from Jim, throwing it carelessly to the ground. Jim yelped and instantly drew his arms in to cover himself. Spock growled and dragged Jim into the middle of the mattress, pushing him onto his back. He wanted so see all of Jim.

Jim sprawled across the sheets, disorientated and blinking owlishly into the sunlight that streamed through the circular window. Spock watched the golden skin glow with the added illumination and reached out to trace a line down Jim's sternum. The younger man shuddered; his blue eyes were half-lidded as he looked at Spock dazedly. He was so fragile, so light, so full of life and beauty.

"Spock," Jim reached an arm out, fingers spread wide in an almost vulgar gesture.

Immediately, he latched onto that hand, weaving his fingers between Jim's to press their palms together. He was on autopilot, his brain was barely functioning anymore and everything was covered in a misty haze of lust and need.

Spock groaned as his sensitive flesh was practically scorched by Jim's. The Human licked his lips and tugged at their joined hands. Spock shuffled closer, until he was leaning over the nude blond, lowering his head to place his lips onto Jim's.

Jim moaned softly, his lips parting in the process and Spock slipped his tongue into the moist cavern behind Jim's teeth. Their tongues twined together and Spock felt his pants strain over his growing erection. Jim's free hand lifted and the younger man slipped his fingers into Spock's hair, mussing the dark strands even further.

Spock insinuated himself between Jim's splayed thighs, pushing his hips against Jim's. Jim broke the kiss and threw his head back with a groan. Spock instantly took advantage of the offered expanse of the Human's neck and kissed the bared throat.

Jim's scent was mingling deliciously with his own, creating an irresistible fragrance that seemed to permeate the entire room.

Jim was gasping softly beneath him, his fingers digging into Spock's scalp. Spock dragged his teeth across the jugular vein he felt pulsing against his lips and then shifted to reach the spot he had marked once already.

The healing-patch was gone and the skin was smooth, without any trace of Spock's mark. He growled softly and sank his teeth into the soft flesh. Jim cried out, _pain _and _arousal_ caused the bond to vibrate like a chord. Spock sucked harshly at the wound and then proceeded to lick it clean. Jim was writhing helplessly now; his hand had fallen down to the mattress again, clutching the sheets weakly. The other was still held tightly in Spock's grip.

"S-Spock – _oh fuck_ - what are you doing to me...?" Jim's hips bucked up, his straining erection rubbing against the fabric that covered Spock's. "Pants. Off. _Now_."

Spock did not hesitate. He sat up and shimmied out of his pants, ripping a seam or two. He tossed them away just like he had Jim's bathrobe minutes before and instantly covered Jim with his own body again. Jim arched into the contact and Spock muffled a moan in the Human's shoulder.

It was not enough.

"Jim. _Jim_, I need-"

"Ssh...," Jim kissed his temple and Spock's feverish mind cleared for a short moment to register the soothing words. "I know. Listen, we need lube, can you let me go, then I'll-"

"_Rai_." No.

"I won't leave, Spock, I promise," Jim extracted his hand from Spock's to cradle this face gently. "I'm just getting the lube from the basket over there, alright?"

Spock swallowed thickly, trying hard to keep himself from simply claiming Jim then and there. He was in control. "Yes."

"Good," Jim was gone and back in a flash, leaving Spock to blink at the Human incredulously, eliciting a roughened version of Jim's usually tinkling laugh.

Jim held the lube out to Spock, his hand was shaking minutely. Spock took the offered item and opened the lid with a snap, pushing Jim down onto his back again.

The golden cord was whirring with anxiety and Spock, unable to send anything remotely soothing through the bond in this state, rubbed gentle circles into Jim's stomach muscles. Finally, Jim's legs fell apart, leaving Jim exposed. Apparently, his fever had travelled all the way through the bond, infecting Jim alongside him.

Spock hastily coated his fingers with the slick oil and traced two fingers over Jim's penis. Jim's breathing hitched and Spock trailed his fingertips down over the younger man's perineum, before circling the puckered nub below.

"G-go slow, alright?" Jim stuttered.

"I shall try," Spock mumbled.

He slid a finger inside, then two and finally a third, as he felt Jim relax around him. Jim was writhing by now and when Spock crooked his fingers, the younger man practically screamed. Spock groaned. The pleasure Jim felt when he touched his prostate echoed back to him through their connection.

He withdrew his fingers, ignoring Jim's whimper and quickly slicked himself up. Spock grasped Jim's bony hips and positioned himself at the twitching entrance, not even waiting for Jim to give him permission as he pushed inside.

He could feel Jim's thighs shaking, heard the Human gasp for air. The animalistic urge bubbling up inside him told him to just _plunge_ into the tight channel, but he forced himself to slide inside slowly, carefully.

He was in control.

Jim grappled helplessly for him, his nails scratching across his chest and finally latching onto his biceps. "F-fuck!"

Spock stilled when his hips were pressed against Jim's buttocks, breathing heavily. Pain radiated outward from Jim's skin and Spock held himself back. Jim trusted him, he would not hurt him. He was in control.

"Move," Jim whined, shifting slightly. "Come on, Spock, m-move!"

Spock grunted and he pulled out halfway, before pressing back inside. Jim moaned appreciatively and wrapped his legs around Spock's waist.

Right. To put it like Jim would; _screw control_.

Spock established a hard, fluid rhythm, feeling extraordinarily pleased when Jim's pain subsided fully. He angled his hips a little more and smirked when it caused him to hit Jim's prostate dead on, feeling sparks of pleasure to flit back and forth between their minds and at the same time tearing a loud moan from Jim's throat.

Spock moved a hand from Jim's hip up to his flushed face, touching the meld-points as gently as he could. "Jim."

Jim nodded, mouth hanging open. "Y-yes, _please._"

_They were drowning. The water around them turned to sand and the spinning moon above them fell down to shatter into thousands of tiny shards. They were a tangled mess of strings, a ring of woven sunlight and stardust. _

_They covered themselves in glowing pearls and smashed their bodies together, pressing the pearls into their skin until they vanished. There was no air between them as they curled into each other. A sandstorm had turned the world around them into a red desert and they were the oasis. _

_Rain drops fell from a black, cloudless sky, bright and milky-white in colour, blazing against the reddish sand. The stars had fallen and decided to populate the ground, leaving the firmament bare and vulnerable. _

_They reached out to touch the black, fingers breaking through the darkness and then they were lit with golden fire. _

Spock opened his eyes, still breathing heavily as he rested beside Jim. The younger was gasping for air, entire body limp.

Spock let his fingers trace slow lines across Jim's torso, trailing across the ribcage and circling the half-hard nipples. Spock's eyes however were locked on the rough edges of the bite-mark and the bruised skin around it. It would scar quite nicely. Now everyone would know that Jim belonged to him and him alone.

"Oh, damn," Jim muttered, voice scratchy and sated. "Alright, that was... I actually have no words."

"Fascinating. James Tiberius Kirk rendered speechless," Spock said, lifting his head to look at his... friend... bondmate? "I believe this is worth forwarding a notification to the Vulcan Press."

"Shut up, Spock," Jim tugged at his ear. "That was awesome. Had I know sex would be like that, I would have gotten laid years ago."

Spock snarled and rolled on top of Jim again. "You are mine."

Jim blinked, licking his lips. "Yeah. Of course, I mean, we're bonded. I'm yours until you're safe again."

Spock felt his own hurt mingle with a deep sorrow that he was sure was not his own, but before he could follow it, it was gone. "Indeed."

Jim grinned brightly then squeaked when Spock slid a finger into his still loose entrance. "A-again?"

Spock felt his ears heat up, but he urged himself to stay composed, even if his erection was getting mildly uncomfortable. "Jim, from what I have come to know, Pon Farr may last up to seven days."

Jim swallowed. "Oh."

Spock allowed himself to smirk at the younger man. "Indeed."

"Well then...," Jim bit his lip then grinned mischievously. "Then what are you waiting for, Spock?"

Spock released something that he was unsure of whether it being a growl or a purr, but when he tackled Jim and heard the younger man laugh, he was not particularly inclined to care either way.

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><p>*shuffles back into the wardrobe* I suck at writing porn!<p>

I hope you're all happy now! *pouts*


	16. Chapter 12: To Be That Complete

Heeey, guys. First, this chapter is unbetaed. Liz is on holiday and she totally deserves a break. =)

I'm only posting it, because I feel like you deserve it and I'm already humming christmas-songs, so yeah...

Soooo... yeah. I apologise for any error, I really tried to find my own mistakes, but I tend to read over them, since I know what I wanted to write and it all makes sense in my head...

*coughs* Alrightey! Enjoy!

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes <strong>

Chapter 12: to be that complete

Jim awoke on his stomach, face pressed into a pillow and a cool arm draped across his spine, pinning him to the mattress. He groaned softly, his body ached pleasantly and for a moment, he was unsure of his current location.

A moment later, his brain rebooted and everything came crashing back. How he had been lost in the heat alongside Spock after their first time. Memories of slick skin, bruises and sweat. He felt sticky and as he turned his head towards the digital chronometer by the door, he gaped.

Three days had gone by and he had woken up at 5.46 in the morning. What the hell? They must have been going at it like rabbits. He could not remember them stopping once to sleep. He should have collapsed a lot sooner; three days of constantly having sex would even wear a Vulcan out.

Speaking of Vulcans; Jim lifted his head to roll it to the other side to look at Spock. The Vulcan-hybrid was resting beside him, face serene and free of the creases the Pon Farr had painted it with the last few days.

Jim sat up carefully, wincing when his muscles complained and he scooted a little closer to Spock, trying hard not to move too much.

He let his eyes wander across the hybrid's muscled chest, tilting his head at the slight covering of coarse hair on it. He reached out to touch a hand to Spock's green nipple.

There had been no time to even properly look at each other, because they had been too frantic to sate their needs. But... it had been awesome, breathtaking, overall mind blowing.

Now Jim was able to admire Spock's tall frame, eyes travelling over the pale skin, down the trail of black hair underneath the belly-button and finally resting on the, now flaccid, cock.

Holy fuck. He had that thing in his-

Jim covered his blushing cheeks with both hands.

Pon Farr must be contagious. Definitely. Spock probably infected him through the bond.

Yep.

He licked his lips and watched as Spock's left foot twitched marginally. A giggle escaped his mouth and he quickly stifled it by biting his lower lip. Damn. Was he turning into a girl or what the fuck was going on here?

Jim sighed and traced the bridge of Spock's nose, before pulling back hastily. _It's temporary, Jim, temporary. This won't last, get a grip, Kirk._

But he could not help himself. He had seen the way Amanda and Sarek completed each other perfectly, like two puzzle-pieces. How could he not want exactly that with Spock, how could he not want to be that _complete_?

_Shut the fuck up, Kirk, this isn't a fairy tale. _

Spock's eyes fluttered, before opening slowly. Jim waited until Spock's eyes had focused fully, before deciding to address the Vulcan-hybrid. "Good morning, Spock."

Chocolate-brown eyes, tinted golden by the light of the rising sun, flitted towards him. "Morning, Jim."

"How are you feeling?" Jim smiled, tilting his head to the side.

Spock sat up his gaze travelling over Jim for a second. "I am... well."

"I hope so, apparently, we were fucking for at least three days straight and my ass hurts like _whoa_," Jim grimaced, exaggerating the pained expression severely to shake the guilty expression that had overtaken Spock's face. "I guess you're kinda wishing you were a little more human now, right?"

"I have to admit that this particular aspect of my Vulcan heritage is one I would have gladly relinquished."

"I thought as much," Jim scrambled towards the bed's edge slowly to walk over to reach the basket, where Amanda had placed a few nutrient hypos alongside the now severely diminished number of lube bottles. As soon as he tried to stand however, he almost doubled over as a sharp pain shot up his spine. "Oh _fuck_-"

Spock was beside him in a moment, drawing him back onto the mattress. "Jim, are you alright, did I hurt you?"

Jim groaned. "No, it's just... hell, I don't even know. I'm sore and I feel like a carved-out fruit, for fuck's sake."

Spock blinked down at him. "I do not understand."

"Me neither," Jim grinned. "How about you go and get the hypos. We've been here without any kind of food for three days and my head is starting to hurt."

"Of course."

The hypo stung, like always. Jim sighed and settled himself against the pillows. Spock stayed situated on the edge of the bed and Jim could feel the guilty tension wracking the hybrid's body through their bond.

Jim rolled his eyes and rolled over to poke Spock's side, causing the Vulcan to flinch. "I have to say, if I could have chosen who was going to be my first, I would have still taken you, if you had been available. That was fucking awesome."

Spock blinked slowly, once, twice. Then a lopsided smirk tugged at the left corner of his mouth.

A second later, Jim was pinned to the bed, arms held above him, Spock's large hands holding his wrists tightly. Jim's eyes bulged out and an incredulous laugh bubbled up from his throat, when Spock's hard dick poked his thigh. "Still not done, huh?"

Spock frowned minutely then lifted an eyebrow. "No, I believe I am not done yet."

Jim grinned, before pouting slightly. "Just... could you go slower? I would like to be able to walk again sometime."

Spock did not answer immediately; instead he lowered his head to lick at the healing wound at the juncture of Jim's neck. He worked his way up Jim's throat, trailing tiny kisses and nibbles over the sensitive skin, coming to stop at Jim's lips where he hovered. "I shall try."

Jim moaned and pressed his lips to Spock's. Instantly, the bond flared to life and Jim spread his legs to let Spock settle between them. The Vulcan-hybrid growled into his mouth, grinding down against Jim's dick and- where had that erection come from anyway?

"F-fuck!" Jim buried his nails in Spock's back muscles when he felt his own pleasure mingle with the hybrid's.

One of Spock's hands wandered down to grasp Jim's cock firmly, causing him to arch up into the contact with a loud gasp, which was quickly swallowed by the Vulcan's mouth covering his own once more.

Their tongues battled for a while, Spock's hand stuttered in its task, when Jim drew the hybrid's bottom lip into his mouth and bit down.

Spock released a low growl and Jim was suddenly lifted and turned onto his stomach. "What the f-"

They had fucked like that, he remembered his face being pushed into the pillow and his mouth hanging open as Spock rammed into him. He had not cared at all how he must have looked at the time.

But now, he felt exposed, unable to see Spock's face, only feeling the strong hands gripping his hips and dragging them up until his ass was propped in the air lewdly. The Vulcan's raspy tongue licked a broad stripe down his spine, soft, cool lips brushed across the skin just above the curve of his behind.

"You seem to have an unhealthy o-obsession with my ass, Spock," Jim managed to get out, grinning into the soft pillow his head was lying on.

Spock grunted and Jim squealed when felt sharp teeth nip at his right cheek. "Hey! What the hell are you- _oh, holy fu_-"

Spock had spread his cheeks apart and licked across his hole. "N-no! Don't do that –_oh_- Spock! I don't like that, stop!"

Jim's legs were quivering and despite his words he shoved his ass higher into the air to get more contact. This was screwed up. This should have made him bolt in disgust. But instead it felt _fucking good_.

"That's not – Spock, sto – _oh hell_."

Spock growled. "Does nothing render you silent?"

"You know me, I'm a loud one," Jim turned his head slightly to throw a cheeky glance up at Spock.

What he got in return was a dark, lust filled glower and a sharp bite to the back of his thigh. "I will try to at least render you incoherent then."

"Aren't I already...?" Jim mused quietly and then groaned when Spock slid a finger into his loose hole. "Hah, how'd you get the lube without me noticing...?"

"You are quite easily to distract. But to answer your question, it was lying behind me underneath the blanket," Spock explained calmly.

Jim moaned as his sensitive flesh was worked open by Spock's _definitely magical_ fingers. When Spock pushed into him he was unable to utter even one sensible word, his entire world had narrowed down at the slick slide of Spock's dick in his hole and the stars sprinkling his vision at every forceful thrust hitting that one spot inside of him.

When Spock's hips started to stutter in their rhythm, Jim fumbled to reach his own cock.

Spock's hand touched his temple and they were instantly lost within a blinding supernova.

When Jim came to, Spock was sprawled across his back. He was heavy but Jim did not mind at all at the moment. "Fuck...that was... _damn_."

"Indeed."

Jim snorted. "You're heavy."

Spock rolled off him and before Jim could protest, he was drawn into the Vulcan's arms and against his chest. Jim snuggled against him, sighing contently.

"Is the Pon Farr over now?"

"I am not sure."

Jim nodded slowly, curling his legs up and grimaced when he felt Spock's cum drip out of his hole and cool against his skin. He definitely needed a shower after this. A long, hot shower.

Spock tightened his grip around him and Jim smirked when a cold hand gripped at his ass.

Hours later Spock had finally tired and the Pon Farr seemed to be over. Sunlight spilled into the room through the windows, casting everything in a bright, yellow glow. Beneath Jim's ear he could hear every breath Spock took, felt the heart beat against his fingers where they were splayed over Spock's side and smelt the Vulcan's spicy scent.

_I hope Amanda hasn't lost her mind yet._ Jim sighed.

_I doubt this, but Mother has never been a predictable person. You are very much like her in that particular aspect._

Jim blinked, then giggled. _Are we talking through the bond? We don't need to mindmeld to talk now?_

_Indeed._

_Awesome. We can use this to our advantage and play tricks on Bones now._

Spock's chest hitched in what Jim realised was silent laughter. _Amusement_ and a tiny spark of _possessiveness_ mixed with a fair amount of sated _weariness_ filtered through their bond.

_Jim. Do be quiet._

_What? You know you want to, you jealous Vulcan. _

_Vulcans do not become jealous, Jim._

_Yeah, sure and I'm a princess._

_Be silent, Jim._

Jim huffed playfully and closed his eyes to simply enjoy the tranquillity of the moment.

Not for long, however, since his butt was really starting to hurt now and the drying semen between his cheeks was everything but enjoyable. He started to fidget and Spock sat up with a sigh. "We should call Mother. We both are in need of a bath and sustenance."

"And some clothes...," Jim murmured and cautiously shuffled to the bed's edge. "Where did I put the communicator again? Dammit all."

Spock slid off the bed and Jim watched as he stalked around the mattress, finally bending down to retrieve the tiny gadget from the floor and presenting it to Jim. He took it and called Amanda.

"_Jim_?"

"Yep, it's me. I just wanted to tell you that we're both fine and... uhm... we could do with a bathroom. So... if you don't want to get flashed by me and your son, you should stay wherever you are and hope it's not near a bathroom."

Amanda laughed, clearly relieved and probably crying by the way her breathing hitched at the end of her chuckling. "_Alright, honey, I love you, boys. And Jim... thank you. For everything, I know it was a lot to ask from you-_"

Jim swallowed. "Manda, Spock's my best friend; I would do everything for him. It's okay."

Amanda sighed softly. "_Go and take a shower you two. Afterwards you will report to the kitchen and eat. Understood_?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

"_Good boy_."

Jim shut off the comm. cell and pulled the blanket over his shoulders, before trying to stand. His legs buckled instantly and he was glad for Spock's quick reflexes when the hybrid caught him. "You broke me, Spock. You fucking broke me."

"Illogical, Jim," Spock lifted him effortlessly into his arms and walked towards the door. "I certainly did not break you."

"Sure you did," Jim pouted and laid his head against Spock's shoulder.

He was exhausted, his bottom hurt and he was being carried by Spock as if he was a stupid little princess getting saved by her Prince Charming.

"If you keep on referring to yourself as princess you will never convince Leonard McCoy of the opposite, Jim."

"Shut up, Spock."

Spock fell silent, but the amusement trickling into Jim's head told him, that he may have shut up but was clearly still thinking about it. Stupid, smug Vulcan.

They managed to reach the bathroom at the very back of the house without further incident and Spock gently lowered Jim into the tub, removing the blanket and plugging the bathtub, before turning on the water. Jim sighed and leaned back, opening them again when he felt a soft washcloth moving over his thighs. "Spock?"

"I concluded that there was an 87.8 percent chance for you to be unwilling to move and wash yourself."

Jim snorted. "I see."

Spock worked quietly for a few minutes, before Jim became impatient and grabbed his hand. "Get in, it's a waste of water else way."

Spock lifted an eyebrow, one that clearly stated 'you illogical human, my family is wealthy enough to pay for whatever amount of water we use', but clambered into the slowly filling tub nonetheless. Jim grinned and sat up to grab the bubble-bath standing beside the bathtub, pouring a vast amount into the water.

Spock shook his head. "You can be very infantile, Jim."

"Aw, you love me for it."

Spock's eyes grew warm and he tugged Jim a little closer to dab the washcloth across his face. "Indeed."

Jim's heart fluttered and a tiny fledgling of hope blossomed in his chest, but he stomped down on it before it could grow. Instead he strategically placed a blob of bubbles onto Spock's tussled, black hair and grinned brightly. "I shall now declare you Prince of the Bathtub."

Spock blinked and retaliated by letting the washcloth fall on Jim's head. "Then you will be Princess of the Bathtub."

Jim groaned. He should have thought of that. "Dammit, I'm just digging myself a hole, aren't I?"

"Yes, Jim."

"Oh, fuck you, really."

"I believe it was the other way around."

Jim gaped then smiled. "Gee, Spock, was that a dirty joke?"

Spock tilted his head to the side innocently, eyebrows raised and eyes sparkling with mirth. "Vulcans do not joke, Jim."

"Yeah, we both know that's so not true. We should probably get cleaned up a little faster; Amanda will have my head if we take more than an hour to get to the kitchen."

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><p>Betaed [is that a word? I mean, seriously?] version will be up whenever. =)<p> 


	17. Chapter 13: So Much Wasted

Alriiiight, uhm, this is also unbetaed. [I feel like I'm betraying Liz. D= I'm so sorry! But you'll get the next chapters, I promise!]

Anyway, I want to say that I finished the story, it's only a matter of uploading the chapters now. And getting them betaed, of course.

The reason why I'm uploading this one is because it's Thanksgiving. And because I'm feeling really, really good at the moment. Like... hug-the-world-and-kiss-everyone-I-know-good.

Yeaaah~. Alright. Enjoy chapter 13. Oh, and btw, to everyone who hates angsty stuff, you should probably stop reading after this chapter and come back for the epilogue. =)

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes <strong>

Chapter 13: so much wasted

Spock watched Jim shift uncomfortable in his seat across from him. After their bath they had wrapped themselves in bathrobes to return to their rooms to dress. Spock had to carry Jim, since the younger man seemed unable to even take more than two steps before stopping and grimacing pitifully.

Now they were sitting at the kitchen table, quietly eating while Mother watched them from her place by the hearth.

_This could only be more awkward, if Sarek and T'Pau would march in right now._

_Eat your gespar lasagne, Jim._

_Yeah, yeah. Do you think Amanda would make us some prusah kisan? It tastes like custard, it reminds me a little of Earth._

_Custard...?_

_It's a sauce made from eggs and vanilla and some other stuff I can't remember._

_What is vanilla?_

_What is... okay. As soon as Earth invents Warp, you will tell Sarek that the first thing he has to do is start a trading route for vanilla to Vulcan. _

Spock lifted an eyebrow at Jim, whom winked and shoved another forkful of lasagne into his mouth. A toe gently poked against his shin and Spock stretched his leg out a little to brush his ankle against Jim's.

Spock observed as a tiny, content smile settled on Jim's lips and he let his gaze wander over the numerous bruises covering what was visible of Jim's body, including the bite-mark he had left behind in the juncture of Jim's neck.

Mother cleared her throat and Spock lifted his eyes to meet her gaze. "Lady T'Pau will be here in a few minutes. You should eat up and sit down in the living-room."

"Yes, Mother."

"Alright, Manda."

4.8 minutes later Spock carried a pouting Jim to the couch, carefully sitting the younger man down and trying hard not to let the amusement he derived from Jim's predicament overflow. It did not seem to work, considering the dark look the blond graced him with.

_I hate you._

_That was certainly not what you thought when I had my tongue in-_

Jim's cheeks took on an alarming reddish tint. _Shut up!_

Spock felt the left side of his mouth twitch upwards. It was quite amusing to see the usually so confident James T. Kirk blush in embarrassment. Spock settled beside Jim, feeling a tad of surprise when he felt him lean his head against his shoulder. Instinctually, he wrapped an arm around Jim's back. Apparently, Jim was not too upset with him.

_I could never be really mad at you, you silly Vulcan._

_Vulcans are not silly._

_Course you are. What else could explain the desperate need to take a bowl, put it on your head and cut your hair off around it?_

_Illogical, Jim, it is not done this way and there are enough Vulcans that do not-_

_Shut up, Spock. _Jim's hand took his and squeezed gently. _I... I know the Pon Farr is over, but I can't stop touching you. Is that normal?_

Spock frowned slightly. _I do not know, but I am experiencing the same sensation. _

"Huh," Jim mumbled and rubbed his cheek against Spock's shoulder like a sehlat. "I'm tired..."

"It would be unwise to fall asleep now."

"Yeah, well, you weren't the one getting pounded into the freaking mattress for almost four days straight."

"Considering your vociferous exclamations of 'more' and 'harder' at the time, I doubt you were not enjoying yourself, _pi'veh_."

Jim blushed heavily, then finally realised that Spock had called him. "_Little one_? You haven't called me that since I was five! Stop making fun of my height, it's not my fault I-"

"James. Spock," T'Pau's calm voice instantly caused Jim to close his mouth and scoot away from Spock. "It is pleasing to see you both in good health."

Spock inclined his head, eyes sliding towards his Father, whom was standing by the kitchen, speaking quietly with Mother. There was still some tension left in his stance, but the deep creases upon his forehead had visibly softened out. Spock concluded that he had successfully meditated in the last 3.6 days.

Jim's forefinger stealthily linked itself with Spock's, before he addressed T'Pau timidly. "What... what's going to happen now?"

"I shall assess Spock's mental stability for now. Then we will see."

She stepped forward and Spock tilted his head up to meet her questing fingertips.

_She was a mere touch, a gust of smoke and age-old dust upon the water. It did not settle there, did not even disturb the serene, languid waves lapping against the trees rough bark. Spock strained to hold himself still, to not throw himself in between T'Pau and the glowing pearls that kept every thought, every precious memory and desire safe and alive. _

_A translucent hand tugged at the bond and Spock's tattered shields staggered helplessly in their attempt to protect the golden cord, before Jim's shields activated alongside them and unceremoniously ended the meld._

T'Pau took a small step backwards, her hand falling away from Spock's face.

Only now Spock felt Jim's warm, trembling body clinging to him, slender arms wrapped around his waist and face pressed into his shoulder. Spock swallowed thickly, evading his Father's gaze that now lingered upon them.

"Lady T'Pau? Is my son well?" Sarek inquired quietly.

"He is free of the Pon Farr. However, his body and mind are still weak. He will need time to rebuild the shields. It would be unwise to break the bond now; it could throw him into a comatose state or shatter him entirely. At the moment, he is depending almost completely on Jim's shielding," T'Pau answered and Spock felt Jim exhale in a shuddering sigh while a sense of relief flooded him.

Father inclined his head and turned to leave the room. "Very well. I have to return to Shi'kahr, I will return in the evening."

Mother and Father exchanged a Vulcan kiss, their hands slipping from each other's hesitantly, before Father wordlessly left. Finally, Mother addressed Jim, her voice soft and gentle. "Jim, honey, do you want me to clean up that bite-mark of yours?"

Spock gulped the growl down that manifested in his throat at the very moment his Mother had dared to ask the question. Jim sat up keeping his arms locked around Spock and, instead of answering the question, looked up at him. "Spock?"

"Yes, Jim?"

_You don't want the mark to disappear, right?_

_I... I am not particularly fond of the idea._

_Okay. I don't like it either. You were so intent on making this thing, so why not keep it. It looks cool. I could tell Bones that I got attacked by a le-matya and survived._

_Considering that le-matya would have torn you apart in approximately 5.8 seconds time, he will surely doubt your story. Not to mention the lethal poison they inject upon their first bite. _

_You're right. I guess, I should tell him the real story. I got attacked by a sexually frustrated Vulcan that thought biting my neck bloody was a very logical idea. Also, I'm unable to sit properly. _

_Jim._

_I'm sorry. I thought it was funny._

Jim giggled and blinked, when Mother cleared her throat, looking rather mystified. "Jim, I asked you a question...?"

"Sorry, Spock and I were talking-"

"Talking?" T'Pau interrupted him sharply. "You were speaking to each other through your bond without melding?"

"Uh, yeah. We don't need to meld for that. We don't even need to touch, to be exact. Why?"

T'Pau's eyes had widened and Spock was taken aback by the notion. He had never seen the usually so composed Elder react so strongly. "It is unheard of. Especially in newly bonded pairs. It takes up to a year for the bond to allow such intimacy. Communication through the bond without a direct meld requires that the bondmates trust each other entirely. Since you have been bonded for a longer period of time already, even without conscious knowledge, I assume it would contribute to the extent of which you are able to use the connection. Would you stand and step apart from one another and demonstrate your ability to speak without touching?"

Jim grimaced. _I don't want to stand up. _

_Stay seated, Jim. _Spock stood and walked towards the door to the balcony.

Immediately, he felt himself drawn back to Jim, but he refused to follow the current. Instead, he stood just beside the glass door, gazing at Jim, ignoring the way it caused his stomach to roll. The younger man clung to the armrest of the couch, eyes wide and his shoulders shook with stress and anxiety, both of which filtered clearly through the bond.

_What now? We can hear each other, how does that prove anything?_

Spock watched as T'Pau walked towards Jim, placing her fingertip against his temple. "You may talk to each other now."

_Because knowing that someone is eavesdropping on your mental conversation is totally not awkward._

_Jim, behave. _

_Sorry. _

_It is alright. _

_It's weird to talk to you like this, I can feel her in my head, but it's... like she's hiding. Can we stop this experiment, I feel very paranoid._

_Do not be ridiculous, Jim. _

_I'm sorry, I just keep thinking about how we... you know, had sex half an hour ago and... yeah._

_Ah. _

_Yeah._

Spock blinked at T'Pau as she stepped away from Jim, her eyes alight with curiosity. "Fascinating. You are indeed capable of communicating through the bond alone. I have underestimated its strength severely."

_Could you come back? I feel like I'm about to be sick. _

Spock hurried back towards Jim and wrapped his arms around him. Instantly, the nauseating knot inside his own stomach loosened and he sagged back onto the sofa beside Jim, who breathed out a shaky sigh.

"Ah, I see I should have warned you. In the beginning stages of newly acknowledged bonds, the link itself tries to keep the bonded pair together as close as possible. This causes the two parties to become unable to separate too far from another without experiencing uneasiness," T'Pau lowered her head slightly. "It would be best for you both to not leave each other's presence for long. Is there anything you must ask before I leave?"

"Uh... uhm, yeah. First, is Pon Farr like... contagious? Second, is it significant that Spock bit me?"

T'Pau raised an eyebrow. "The underside of a Vulcans' tongue possesses a pair of glands that activate during Pon Farr. When Spock bit you, the hormone that causes that the Pon Farr was transferred to your body and thus kept you from trying to escape and becoming fatigued throughout the ordeal. In pre-Surakian time the bite-mark that was left behind was exactly that, a mark, a kind of warning to every other suitor, who might be tempted to take the bitten person for themselves."

Jim blinked slowly, looking mildly confused. "Oh. Okay. So, I'm... property now, or what?"

"No, you are bondmates, equal in any sense."

"That isn't quite compatible with what you just told me, though."

T'Pau tilted her head to the side marginally. "It is simple. Imagine you are the plant being nurtured by Spock and in return you provide him with sustenance. You are dependent of one another."

"That's... very poetic... for a Vulcan," Jim smiled brightly, his cheeks red with embarrassment. "Thank you for explaining, Lady T'Pau."

T'Pau's eyes softened and she lifted her hand to form the _ta'al_, before leaving the room without another word. Spock had always known that she had a 'soft spot' for Jim, since the day Jim was taken to her, to receive his citizenship and tripped right in front of her. He had started to cry and T'Pau had bent down to touch his temple gently, taking his mind of the pain through the contact.

_Okay, that definitely explained why you don't want me to remove the mark. Also, we got the reason why we can't stop touching each other. _

_I apologise, Jim._

_Spock, I hate it when you apologise for nothing, so stop it already._

_I apol- yes, Jim._

_Good boy._

Mother walked close to them, sinking to the ground in front of the couch and taking Jim's hands into her own. "Jimmy, I don't... I don't know how to thank you. Now, do you want me to treat that bite, it looks very painful."

"Nope," Jim's voice sounded light. "And I already told you, it's fine. I'd do everything for Spock."

Mother's eyes narrowed and a calculating sheen covered them. Her mouth opened as if she wanted to say something, but instead she shook her head and kissed Jim's nose. "Alright, darling. You look tired. You should get some sleep. The both of you."

Spock nodded and gently scooped Jim up into his arms once more to carry him upstairs.

"Hey. Your room or mine?" Jim grinned.

"I assume this is one of your human 'inside jokes'"

"You assumed right," Jim kissed Spock's chin playfully and looped his arms tighter around his neck. "So?"

"My room."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"I assume it is due to the fact that we share a bond and thus are able to read each other's thoughts whenever we are not shielded."

Jim laughed. "Smart ass."

Spock locked the door behind them and placed Jim onto the bed, gently covering him with a blanket and ordering the blinds to close. The room was cast in darkness. Spock quickly crawled onto the mattress and beneath the covers to pull Jim into his arms. Like puzzle pieces they fit together, Jim's head tucked beneath Spock's jaw, nose nuzzling his throat, his thin body melding into Spock's.

30.5 seconds later, Jim's breathing evened out and became shallow with sleep.

Spock pressed his lips against the top of Jim's head, inhaling the scent of his hair. So many thoughts had he already wasted on the unique smell of those golden strands, so much wasted time on thinking of the way his skin tasted like milk just where his thighs connected with his torso. He slipped a hand underneath Jim's shirt, tracing the protruding knobs of his spine, feeling Jim's heart beat against his breastbone where they pressed together.

He wanted everything to stay like this. He wanted to hold Jim close, feel his breath against his skin and the way his lungs expanded when he inhaled. He wanted to hear him laugh into his ear after a particularly raunchy joke that Spock countered with a raised brow and an innocent inquiry about the exact meaning. Wanted to see how Jim dipped his toes into the water of the pound of their secret place within the garden, disturbing the amphibian life living within the mud by the shore. He wanted to kiss every freckle, every tiny mole that littered the expanse of Jim's honey-coloured skin.

Spock's eyes widened when he finally realised what had happened.

He had fallen in love with his best friend.

A tight feeling knotted within his stomach and sat there, heavy and filled with despair. He hastily erected a clumsy shield to keep these thoughts from the human sleeping in his arms.

He had fallen in love with Jim.

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><p>Yes. =) Sorry for every error, as I already stated, it's unbetaed. I found a HeadWhacker. Is anyone missing theirs?<p>

No?


	18. Chapter 14: Slipping Away

Heeeey, guys!

Uhm, I just wanted to say, thank you for all the awesome reviews, and sorry, if I don't answer to all of them =). [Btw, Ruby, thanks again for reading through the chapter!]

As I have already stated in the last chapter, this one will be angsty. And it's only going to get worse.

But... I'm a Disney-fan and that automatically condemns me into being a lover of happy-endings. So... no worries. I think. Hm.

Anywaay, enjoy!

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes <strong>

Chapter 14: slipping away

Ten days had gone by since Spock's Pon Farr had abated. Ten days which were filled with constant touching, impromptu sex and two embarrassing situations which included Amanda walking in on them and Sarek tripping over Jim's discarded boxer-shorts after Spock had stripped him in the middle of the hallway, only to carry him into the bathroom and have his wicked way with him.

Jim was a little confused over the fact that Spock and he were still having sex, but apparently, the bond did not only screw them up in the sense of them being unable to separate.

Jim felt Spock slide out of him and fall limp beneath him. He groaned quietly as he dropped to the side, legs shaking and breathing heavily. It was the third time they had sex in five hours. He needed a shower and time to think about this mess.

Spock's shields were already fully repaired, but since neither of them felt the need to split the bond sooner than necessary, they had not told Sarek yet. The Vulcan had barely been home in the last days anyway. Amanda had become pensive and only smiled gently and shook her head, when Jim tried to ask her about her behaviour. It was odd, but not peculiar enough to keep trying to wheedle the answer out of her.

Spock's eyes fluttered shut and his lips parted in a soft sigh. "Jim."

"Yeah?"

_I am fatigued._

_I can see that, you're practically boneless. _

_Illogical._

_One day, I'm going to strangle you. _

_Jim._

_Or buy you a dictionary. Seriously, this is getting ridiculous. _

_You realise that your aversion to the word only compels me to use it more frequently?_

_Shut up, Spock._

_Make me._

_Demanding little Vulcan._

_There is certainly nothing 'little' about me, Jim._

"Fuck," Jim felt his cheeks heat up and leaned down to kiss Spock's throat, trailing nips and licks up and down the pale neck. Spock groaned quietly, one hand lifting to weave his fingers into Jim's hair.

Jim stopped and placed a delicate kiss onto Spock's forehead, then his nose and finally his lips, barely moving his mouth against the hybrid's, only feeling the cool mouth against his own.

Spock exhaled slowly through his nose and Jim felt Spock's side of the bond become soft, as if it had turned to cotton, the usually alert Vulcan mind slipping away. He had fallen asleep.

Jim got out of bed, risking a glance at Spock's sprawling form, blushing at the tiny love-bite he had left on the hybrid's collarbone. It shone in a bruised mint-green, bright against the pale skin.

He shook his head furiously and hastily made his way towards the en suite bathroom.

Jim's sore muscles relaxed underneath the hot spray of the shower. He sighed and leaned his back against the tiles, raising his shields to get at least some privacy.

He sighed heavily in exasperation.

They were bonded, had sex and practically spend every minute together since that fateful day the bond had been discovered. Furthermore, Spock was back to normal now that his brain was not threatening to fry itself anymore and his temperature back to cause Jim to shiver everytime the Vulcan decided to push his icy feet underneath his legs.

A sad chuckle escaped his lips. He was going to miss all of this.

Well, maybe not the cold feet thing, but the way Spock curled around him, holding him while he slept as if he was something precious. Like Spock needed to hold him.

Jim shook his head, grabbing Spock's shampoo to wash his hair. He needed to get out. And since yesterday, they were able to leave each other's presence without causing Jim to throw up due to the pain it caused.

That had been really awkward.

Jim stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his hips and tiptoeing out of the room to get to his own. He quickly dressed and called Bones over his comm. cell.

"_McCoy here._"

"Hey, Bones!" he said brightly, as soon as the older man answered the call.

"_Jim? Fuck, kiddo, it's been almost two weeks, where the hell have ya been?_"

"Long story, Bones. Listen, could we meet up? I need to get out of the house for a while and could use someone to talk to."

"_Sure._"

"Right, I'll come meet you at the front door of the Second House in ten minutes, yeah?"

"_Okay, try not to fall or somethin' equally stupid._"

"Shut up, Bones."

Jim arrived there in less than five minutes, even with the almost constant limp he was sporting. Who knew Vulcans were so enthusiastic in bed?

Bones was leaning against the wall to the garden, raising his eyebrow as soon as he spotted Jim. "Alright, why are you still limping?"

"Uhm. Okay, if you want to know why, you have to be absolutely sure you want to hear my explanation and promise me not to freak out and kill me. Okay?"

Bones rolled his eyes. "Alright, shoot kiddo. What did ya do this time?"

"You remember how I told you about Spock's Pon Farr and how he got really clingy?"

"Yeah?"

"Also, how you reacted when I told you about our frequent melding?"

"What are ya tryin' to tell me, kiddo?"

"Well... we apparently formed a bond without realising it. It was the reason why Spock rejected T'Pring and made him act so... protective over me."

Jim cringed when Bones did not say anything but merely blinked a slow, torturous blink.

"Right. Anyway, the day you brought me home, I woke up in the middle of the night, because I was thirsty and..."

Jim told the story as quickly as possible, trying to keep the embarrassment from overtaking his brain and cause him to flush an even deeper shade of red. In the end, Bones was openly gaping at him, hazel eyes wide with shock and face completely slack. Jim bit his lower lip and smiled a nervous little grin. "So... uh..."

"Fuck, Jim! I've always known ya were a total moron, but hell!" Bones shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. "What the hell were you thinkin'?"

"I wasn't! I mean, it wasn't my fault! Our minds are apparently very compatible and just thought that bonding us would be totally awesome," Jim groaned. "Bones, I don't know what to do! I don't want the bond to be broken."

"Why?"

"Why...? Because T'Pring doesn't deserve Spock! I was in Spock's head so many times that I've seen her often enough to determine that she's a stuck up, stupid bitch," Jim was practically seething. "She doesn't appreciate him in the slightest, which is fucking stupid on her part. I mean, he's gorgeous, he's strong and the definition of sex-on-legs-"

"Jim, Jim, Jim!" Bones was beet-red. "I got it, okay. The hobgoblin is hot. Alright-"

"It's not just that!" Jim snapped. "He's funny, even if he keeps denying it. 'Vulcans are not humorous, Jim', he always says. Sure they aren't. That's why he always manages to make me call myself a princess – _don't laugh _- because he's _totally_ got no sense of humour. I figured him out though. Vulcans may have or may not have a sense of humour. But he's not entirely Vulcan. He's half-Vulcan and that makes him all the more special. He's unique but nobody seems to see that! If they just knew how smart and wonderful a person he is, I bet those biased assholes would finally learn their lesson."

Jim huffed in annoyance. "He needs some who can appreciate all those things about him that set him apart. Spock may be a strong person but I know what he's like when he starts going off the deep end. I know that he feels worthless and like he belongs nowhere. I don't want him to feel that way anymore. I want him to have a place to feel safe, to take the edge off those stupid, _fucking hell_, totally _not_ logical insults and just... just... Bones... what the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I could scream with joy and at the same time like I'm being torn apart."

Bones furrowed his brows and the look on his face made Jim's insides churn. "Kiddo, to be honest, to me it sounds like yer in love."

Jim scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous."

Bones raised an eyebrow. "Jimmy, ya can't tell me that the thought didn't cross yer mind yet."

"It didn't. Because it's stupid."

"Stop acting like a four-year-old and actually use that genius-level brain of yours!"

Jim swallowed and started thinking. Slowly, as he mentally travelled through his memories, it dawned on him that Bones was absolutely right.

Over the years he had slowly, but surely, fallen in love with his best friend.

He had fallen for the one person he could never have. Could he be any less lucky?

The realisation made him want to vomit.

"Fuck," he buried his face in his hands and sat down heavily on the sandy ground. "Fuck, fuck, _fuck_."

Bones knelt down beside him and Jim felt his hand touch his shaking back. "Shit, kiddo, I'm sorry."

"'s not your fault," he mumbled into his palms, laughing roughly at the sheer irony of the situation. "Why is my life so fucked up?"

Bones sighed heavily and pulled him into a tight embrace, rocking him gently as he would a small child. He did not say anything, so Jim babbled on. "Why can't I fall in love with someone who returns my feelings? Fuck, Bones, what am I gonna do now? I can't stay here knowing that Spock is going to marry that woman."

"Would it matter if he returned your feelings?"

"I... I don't know. Maybe. No. Probably not, he has a duty to fulfil. I mean, he's the only heir of the First House. He can't just... it would be... _bath'pa_!" Jim cursed as he felt his eyes brim with frustrated tears. "Sarek would never allow it, hell, the Elders would probably ship me off the planet to prevent it. But it's a moot point anyway, since _Spock doesn't love me_!"

"Calm down, Jimmy," Bones said quietly, still swaying back and forth, rubbing his back in smooth circles.

"This is hopeless. Can you fall _out_ of love? That'd be really convenient right about now."

"How can ya be so certain that the hobgoblin doesn't love you back?" Bones grumbled.

"One, I would know if he did. Two, have you looked at him? Three, have you looked at _me_? It's like a skinny chicken falling in love with a freaking peacock. He likes me, I'm his best friend, but that's it. So... it's better that the bond will be broken soon. I'll get over it."

Bones exhaled another long suffering sigh. "Okay, kiddo. D'ya wanna come in with me, or would ya rather go back?"

"I... I guess I should go back. I kind of left without telling anyone," Jim cringed. "Amanda is going to murder me."

"If Spock doesn't get you first, yeah."

Jim laughed, wiping over his moist eyes. "Right. Uhm, thanks for listening to me and... sorry for breaking down on you."

"Don't worry; I'm used to it, princess."

"I'm going to come over tonight and brutally murder you in your sleep."

Bones smirked. "'Cause you're a trained assassin and able to get past the guards. Sure, kiddo."

"Pff, please, you only have those because the Second House's heir is paranoid as hell," Jim smiled and quickly stood. "Well, I'll be going; it was nice seeing you again."

Bones got to his feet too and pulled him into a short hug before turning him around and slapping his ass. "Get going!"

"Ouch, Bones!" Jim hobbled on. "I'll get you back for that!"

"Heh, bye, Jim!"

"Bye!"

Jim returned home as quickly as he could, feeling the bond whirr with suppressed anxiety and annoyance. Damn. He should have at least left a note or something for Spock.

He slipped out of his shoes and left them were they lay as he scrambled into the living-room, past Amanda. "Jim-!"

"Hi, Manda! I was out with, Bones, I'm going upstairs, see you at lunch!"

Spock was waiting for him in front of his room, arms crossed as he leaned against the closed door, his brows furrowed marginally to create a barely there crease in between.

"Where have you been?"

Jim cringed, a tiny, sheepish smile forming on his lips. "I was out."

"Why did you not wake me before you left?"

"You looked like you could use some rest," Jim fidgeted. "Look, I'm sorry for not telling you-"

Spock's arm shot out and grabbed his wrist, tugging him closer, until their bodies touched. Jim shivered at the contact and went limp, when Spock's hands pressed against the small of his back. "Mhm... Spock, what-"

Spock leaned down to nip at his neck, then stiffened and drew back. His chocolate-brown eyes burned with anger. "You were with him again."

"Huh?" Jim blinked owlishly at Spock. "Bones? Yeah, we... we talked."

"Then why can I smell him on your body if you were merely talking?"

"Geez, Spock, he hugged me, no big deal!" Jim tried to reach out through the bond, but Spock just kept on slipping away.

"It is certainly a 'big deal', Jim. You are my bondmate, it is not within his rights to touch you without my permission."

_Don't._ "Fucking hell, Spock! The bond's going to be dissolved in four days! You don't really care about all of that! It's just the bond screwing with our heads!"

Spock went deathly still; something flickered in his eyes then died away like a flame.

At the same time, Jim felt Spock's shields flare up and the connection between them was slammed shut.

"I see," Spock stepped away; Jim felt ice cold fear grip his throat. "Very well. I will inform my Father that I have rebuilt my shields and that I am in optimum health."

_Please, no!_

"Spock-!"

Jim reached out towards the taller man, but Spock strode away without turning back.

Suddenly, Jim was alone. Physically and mentally. His inner self was beating against a wall of thick glass that kept him from Spock and made the bond shudder in pain. He choked on his own breath and he hastily ordered the door to open to stagger into his room.

Barely inside, he fell to the ground, wracked with shivers. He wondered if that was how a junkie felt after being deprived of their drugs for too long. He clawed his way to the bed, dragging his trembling body underneath the double bed to curl up in a corner.

Fine. Good. Spock would break the bond now. Very good.

_It's better this way. For everyone. _

He bit his lip as the first tear splashed down his cheek.

_Then why am I crying?_

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><p>Yep. That was it. =) Next chapter will be up soon.<p> 


	19. Chapter 15: I Get So Tired

Okay, uhm... so...

I had a not so good, very bad day. Mostly because my Dad called me a maggot.

And since I finished learning for today, I thought, hey, why not post a new chapter, maybe I can make someone's day a little brighter, since mine is already so sucky.

Also, I want to post this story as fast as I can, because another idea is nagging me and yeah.

So, here it is. Chapter 15. Even angstier than the one before. So... questionable if the chapter will brighten anyone's day. *sighs* I need a hug.

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Chapter 15: i get so tired

Spock made his way towards his Father's study. His mind was in turmoil. The bond was fluttering desperately where he had erected his shields to keep Jim from reaching him. He had to use every ounce of strength he possessed to keep from slamming his fist into the next wall.

He should have known Jim was only doing this out of an obscure perception of loyalty. Spock should have expected that Jim wanted the bond to be broken sooner or later. He may have enjoyed the sex but it was nothing more than- _what was it called? _- a friends-with-benefits concept to the Human.

What had he been thinking? What had he been hoping for?

That Jim would miraculously fall in love with him?

That his feelings would infect the Human like the Pon Farr had done?

Spock grit his teeth, feeling the frustration drain out of him, leaving an empty feeling behind that gnawed at his insides.

He chimed at his Father's door, waiting patiently for it to open.

Father was seated at his desk and lifted his eyes from the PADD in front of him to meet his gaze. "Spock. What can I do for you?"

Spock placed his hands behind his back, wrapping the fingers of his left hand around the wrist of his right, squeezing tightly. "After assessing my own condition, I have come to the conclusion that I am once more in optimum health. Therefore, I wish to request the breaking of the bond between Jim and myself."

Father's brows lifted marginally. "Has Jim agreed to decision?"

"Yes, Father."

Father inclined his head. "Very well. I will call T'Pau and schedule a meeting for tomorrow-"

"Father, it is necessary to break the bond as soon as possible. I am... concerned that it may strengthen further."

He was lying to his Father's face.

"I understand. I will see if she has time to come today. You may leave, Spock."

Spock nodded and exited the room.

As he passed Jim's door, he found the younger man gone and the red light blinking to indicate that the door had been locked. Spock walked downstairs into the kitchen, where Mother was standing by the hearth, humming softly to herself.

"Mother."

She turned with a flourishing move, blinking at him expectantly. "Yes, Spock?"

"I have come to tell you that I am in optimum health again and that Jim and I have decided to break the bond."

The smile vanished from his Mother's face for a second then came back, but this time without the sparkle that always lit her eyes. "Ah. I see. When... when did you two decide that?"

"16.4 minutes ago."

Mother nodded, turning back to the stove, stirring whatever she was cooking in the pot in front of her. "Alright. Where's Jimmy? He just ran upstairs when he came in, is he okay?"

"He is." _I do not know_.

She turned to look at him again, her eyes drilling into his until he had to avert his gaze. "Spock, something is bothering you, I can tell."

"That is illogical, you cannot assume-"

"Spock. I'm your mother. Don't you dare to tell me I'm not right; I know I am."

She had stemmed her hands into her hips, eyebrows raised and chin tilted upwards. Spock felt his shoulders sag a little as he surrendered. "Jim and I had... a disagreement."

"What do you mean?" Mother blinked.

"I believe Jim is uncomfortable with how... close the bond has brought us together. Thus I have decided that it would be better for us to break it as soon as possible. I do not wish to lose Jim's friendship because of this predicament."

Silence draped itself over the kitchen and Spock averted his eyes to look at the fridge.

"Spock... do you want to break the bond?"

"I already told you that I believe it would be better for us to dissolve-"

"I know, honey. But do you really _want_ to?"

Spock felt his shoulders tense. No. No, he did not want to let the bond be broken. But if it kept Jim from hating him in the end, he would not try to fight for it. His Father would finally be pleased with him being married to T'Pring and Jim would be able to find someone better suited for him. Spock clenched his fists.

"I do."

Mother shook her head, disbelief clear in her eyes. "Spock-"

Slow footsteps made her halt in her speech. She blinked past Spock, who turned around slowly.

Jim was stumbling through the living-room, shoulders hitched up and arms crossed in front of his chest. Without even acknowledging their presence he passed the kitchen and the next thing Spock heard was the front door hissing shut.

"Spock... what happened? Tell me," Mother whispered, her voice was low and demanding.

"I have told you. Jim and I had an argument. The bond will be broken," Spock had to keep himself from snapping at his Mother and fought hard to keep the frustrated quiver out of his voice. "It is what has to be done."

_I get so tired of repeating myself over and over again. _Had Jim's rejection not been enough of a punishment?

"Spock..."

"I am the heir of the First House, Mother. It is necessary for me to take a mate." _Even if it is not Jim_.

Mother stepped closer, one hand lifting to brush over his cheekbone gently. "Spock. Since you keep on talking around the issue, I will tell you what I think is wrong. You feel more than friendship for Jim, do you not?"

He seized up. "I... he is like a sibling to me."

"Spock," she was smiling a sad, soft smile now. "That may have been true at some point, but it's not anymore, is it? You want him as your bondmate. You do not truly wish for the bond to be broken, do you?"

"Mother, what you say may be or may not be true. However, Jim is not a pet, I cannot decide for him. He does not want the bond and I will free him of it. Father would have never approved of it in anyway and I will not go against traditions."

Spock watched her eyes move as she studied his face. Her warm fingertips did not betray any of her current thoughts or feelings. She was carefully blocking all of them and Spock felt thankful for it. He was in too great turmoil to deal with her motherly affection and sympathy now.

"Spock, you know that I will always be proud of you," she had to stand on her tiptoes to kiss his forehead. "No matter what your decision is, I will respect it. But you should talk to Jim about this again."

"There is nothing left to talk about, Mother. I want him to be happy and he clearly cannot be with me. As soon as the bond is broken I will marry T'Pring and Jim will be free to choose someone that will complete him."

He turned away and walked out of the kitchen to cross the living-room and stand on the balcony. It was approximately 4.56 in the afternoon and Vulcan's sun was already listing towards the west. Spock could make out Jim running down the thin trail towards their secret place. He watched the blond until he vanished in the vegetation.

He had almost expected Jim to go to meet his new friend, McCoy.

They had seemed very close in the memories Jim and he had involuntarily shared through the bond.

Spock shook his head when he felt jealousy well up inside of him.

He sighed and sat down on the chaiselongue.

He just wanted everything back to the way it had been before.

Spock did not know how long he had sat outside like this, elbows resting on his knees and head lowered as he stared at the stone floor. His head was swimming as he tried to work through the current of emotion threatening to flood his usually collected mind.

"Spock?"

His Father's voice shocked him out of his thoughts and he straightened up quickly, eyes trained on the sky before him, refusing to turn and face his Father. He feared his eyes would once again betray his inner turmoil, like they had done so countless times already. "Yes, Father?"

"T'Pau has agreed to dissolve your bond today. She will arrive in approximately 5.6 minutes. Where is James?"

"In the garden, Father."

"Very well. You should go and bring him back here."

"I... do not think he will be pleased to see me now, Father. We had a... disagreement."

Father lifted an eyebrow. "I see. Then I will send your Mother."

Spock inclined his head and slumped forward once more when his Father had left.

T'Pau arrived exactly six minutes later and stepped onto the balcony to assess Spock's mental health. Finally, she concluded that he was indeed fully healed and the Pon Farr had not caused any lasting damage to his brain. Father nodded in acknowledgement and Spock turned his head when he heard the front-door open.

Mother lead Jim into the living room and Spock almost gasped at the sight of him.

His pants were torn at the knees as if he had fallen at some point, his hair was tussled and a purple leaf was stuck in between the golden tresses. The usually bright blue eyes were downcast and reddened. Jim's arms were hanging down uselessly by his sides, his shoulders were slumped and he looked as if he had given up on himself.

For a moment, Spock was tempted to open the bond and rush over to Jim to comfort him.

But he resisted. They needed to break the bond. If not for his sake then for Jim's.

T'Pau waited until Jim was seated beside Spock on the chaiselongue, before addressing him. "Jim, do you agree to break the bond?"

Jim lifted his eyes, staring emptily at the Vulcan Elder. "Yes, Lady T'Pau."

She nodded and placed her cool fingertips against their faces. "Open your shields now; they will only hinder the process. I do not know how it will be for you, Jim. The breaking of a bond can be painful and is different for every pair. Prepare yourself."

_The rock he was standing upon reached far into the ocean roaring in front of him. The water was of a greyish green, every wave like a gasping breath that splashed icy droplets into his face. The sky was covered in almost black clouds, promising a heavy storm. He swallowed at the hostile view in front of him. _

_A small boat was drifting only a few metres before him. _

_Jim was huddled in it, both hands holding onto the golden ribbon connecting them. As if he was afraid to drown if he did not. _

_Spock felt the tugging at his sternum with each wave that shook Jim's tiny boat, threatening to pull it farther away from him._

_For a moment he wondered if the scene around them was caused by Jim or himself. _

_Then he realised that it was both of their emotions that caused their shared mindscape to become a disastrous ocean of fear and desperation. _

_Jim lifted his head, eyes glowing in the twilight. Cerulean and brighter than a new star. _

_Spock wrapped a hand around the warm ribbon, feeling Jim's emotions bleed through, jumbled and unclear. _

_T'Pau's presence was again a mere whisper of dust. She hovered above the waves, each of them reaching the hem of her robe, causing her silhouette to ripple and twist, not unlike a flickering flame. Her fingers touched the straining bond, pulling it tauter still, until Jim released a cry laced with a wordless plea. _

_She did not react, apart from looking at the blond. Spock saw Jim's eyes grow wide, then slide shut slowly, causing the light they emitted to die away. _

_The sky above them broke open, burning ashes rained down and Spock stared in horror as they landed on their bond, burning through, eating away at it. He released a fearful shout at the same time as Jim started to sob. _

_...Please, please, please don't-!..._

_The last threads ripped and Spock stumbled backwards, the tiny strands still attached to his sternum fluttered then coiled up and fell to the ground. For a moment he saw the tree again, laden with pearls, before they burst into flames, burning the plant to ashes. He shuddered, his knees grew weak and he fell. _

_In front of him, Jim's boat broke apart and the blond was swallowed by the sea. _

Spock jerked out of the meld, breathing heavily. His breastbone ached and his head was pounding.

Beside him, Jim retched roughly, before evacuating his stomach onto the stone tiles in front of him. T'Pau had stepped away, eyes wide but not with surprise. Spock hastily reached out when Jim slid forward to prevent the smaller man from landing in his own vomit. "Jim?"

"Ss... pock... 'm ss... orry...," Jim slurred, listing to the side, eyes rolling in their sockets.

4.5 seconds later he lost consciousness and fell limp in Spock's grip.

"Oh God!" Mother was beside them in an instant, kneeling on the chaiselongue and dragging Jim against her chest. "What happened?"

"The stress was too much. As I have said, their bond was very strong. Jim likely suffered the brunt of it, he was... very emotionally attached to the connection," T'Pau reached out to place a finger against Jim's temple, her eyes revealing a sliver of gentle affection. "He needs rest now."

Mother nodded, eyes brimming with tears as she cradled Jim's pale body against her own. Spock stood, fighting to keep the tremble out of his limbs. "I will bring him upstairs, Mother."

She nodded reluctantly, letting him pull Jim out of her embrace. Spock held the younger man close as he strode past his Father, who was standing just beside the door to the living-room. Their eyes met and Spock carefully kept his face blank.

The way upstairs was a slow one. Spock's knees were quivering ever so slightly and Jim's pain was seeping through the minimal skin-contact, doubling the one Spock felt himself.

T'Pau had said Jim was emotionally attached to their bond.

It did not make sense.

Jim wanted it to be broken. He did not harbour any feelings for Spock apart from friendship and the affection of a brother. He also may have been a little attracted to the way he looked. However, it was merely an appreciation of aesthetics on Jim's part. Surely, a lot of people found his appearance pleasing to the eye.

It was not what Spock felt for him. Spock loved every illogical little part of the blond, from his wriggling, pink toes to the tip of his freckled nose.

It made no sense at all. Had Jim not felt uncomfortable with their bond? Had he not stated that it was 'screwing with their heads' and this entire situation, everything that Spock felt for Jim, was on account of that same link?

He was confused.

Spock reached Jim's room, finally, and was relieved when the door simply slid open when he came to stand in front of it. Jim had not stirred even once.

Spock gently lowered him onto the mattress, watching Jim's head settle against the pillow and the slightly sweaty golden hair curl around his temples. He ran a finger down Jim's nose, perceiving the tiny freckles he had illogically compared to the Milky Way once, causing Jim to giggle in delight.

A sad smile tugged at his lips and he slowly leaned down to kiss Jim's forehead.

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><p>*headdesk* Every error you may find is totally intended. [Okay, it's not, but I couldn't be arsed to spellcheck again...]<p> 


	20. Chapter 16: Keep Me Awake And Alive

Uhm, wow! Thanks for all the kind words. You're all really awesome. =)

So... uhm. Next chapter then! Because I want this story to be fucking finished soon. I'm getting itchy to start another story and I can't until this one is finished and done with. *huffs* Also... as a kind of thank you, because you guys really cheered me up. Thank you.

Here's chapter 16. [Yes, Talltree-san, it is going to get worse. A lot worse. *bows* sorry.] It's not betaed so I might have missed some errors, because I'm blind to my own mistakes. Feel free to point them out to me, though!

Enjoy! [Or not.]

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Chapter 16: keep me awake and alive

Eight days had gone by since their bond had been broken. Jim had barely been awake through the first three and had left the bed on the sixth, wandering through the house like a ghost. Spock was barely home anymore, Sarek had decided that it would be best if they were apart for a little while. For the first time in his life, Jim was actually grateful towards Sarek.

He did not think he could face Spock right now.

Or ever again.

His head was still aching and it was only getting worse everytime he thought of how Spock would be bonded officially to T'Pring in exactly two days. He could barely eat and whenever he managed more than a few Kray-fruits, he would wake up at night to stumble towards his bathroom and puke it all out again. Jim was practically living through nutrient-hypos now.

The shadows underneath his eyes were becoming darker by the hour and _every goddamn time_ he closed his eyes he saw the empty mindscape, felt the rotting threads hang from his sternum, poisoning him from the inside out.

"_You keep me awake and alive, Spock." _

"_Pardon, I was not listening, what did you say, Jim?"_

"_Hah, never mind, I was being silly."_

Jim wished he could just curl up somewhere and sleep without dreaming of golden threads and burning skies.

Currently he was coiled up underneath his bed; eyes clenched shut, begging the pain to _just go away_.

He was shaking, tears prickling behind his lids and he opened his mouth to release the spluttering sob that had build up in his throat in the past minutes. He really needed to get a grip, Amanda was worrying enough already.

Bones would be coming over soon; Amanda said he needed to start socialising again. Apparently, cooping oneself up due to heartbreak was not acceptable in this household. Jim chuckled weakly. Maybe it would be, if Amanda knew he was doing all of this because of a broken heart... and a piercing headache that would not leave.

Jim dragged himself from his hiding place, shivering as he stood and made his way to the bathroom.

He wondered if Spock felt like this. Like he had been ripped open, emptied out and filled up again with needles and sand. He asked himself if Spock felt the same unbearable coldness at his breastbone, smelled his own flesh decay and turn black where the threads had shrivelled and stuck themselves to the skin above.

He felt like dying.

A glance into the mirror confirmed that he looked just as bad as he felt. Maybe worse.

He was pale, his faint freckles stood out sickly against his pallor. His mouth was dry and cracked, his hair limp and dulled. His hands were trembling and every so often a hard shudder ran through him, reminding him of the coldness that had overtaken him soon after he had woken from his unconsciousness. Jim smiled a crooked smile at his reflection, trying to get some life into his eyes, but to no avail.

They stayed dead and broken.

He was pathetic.

Jim turned on the tab and quickly washed away the tear tracks. No need to give Amanda more to worry about.

"Jim! Your friend is here!"

Jim sighed. "Coming!"

He made his way downstairs, carefully holding onto the handrail. He did not want a repetition of yesterday's events. Jim had decided to take a walk in the middle of the night and had promptly fallen down the stairs, waking both Sarek and Amanda. In the end, Sarek had to carry him back to bed, because he was unable to even get up, because his head had thought it logical to invite a drum set and a few sledgehammers to beat against his skull.

That had probably been the most embarrassing moment of his life.

Bones was in the kitchen with Amanda, placing dishes on the table, only looking up when Jim tentatively stepped inside. "Aw, hell, Jimbo. I thought Amanda was exaggerating, but ya really look like death warmed over."

"You sure know how to compliment a man, Bones."

"I know how to compliment a lady, that's all I have to know," he quipped, winking at Amanda, who chuckled while shaking her head.

"Bones, you're flirting with a married woman!" Jim cried out in mock-horror. "Have you no shame?"

Bones smirked and placed the last fork beside a plate. "Sit down, kiddo."

Jim's eyes fell on the food. It smelled delicious and promptly made his stomach churn. "I'm not really hungry."

Amanda furrowed her brows, concern overtaking her features. "Jimmy, please, you're getting thinner already, you barely eat anymore."

_That's because I throw up everytime I do. _

"Alright, alright," he huffed and sat down.

He ate slowly, chewing every bite with caution to keep himself from regurgitating it the next second.

"So, what exactly are you doing, Leonard?"

"Well, basically, I'm doctoring the humans in the Second House. They get freaked by the Vulcan doctor, so they come to me, if something hurts. If I'm not doing that, I'm in the kitchen. You have no idea how pompous they are over there. I like your house better, ma'am, it's very homey... and a lot smaller too."

"Amanda didn't want to live in a palace. The actual First House is a lot bigger and in the middle of Shi'kahr," Jim added, grinning at Amanda.

She laughed. "Yes, I told Sarek that I couldn't stand everyone staring at me as soon as I walked out of the front door. Also, I hated that house, it's way too big and just felt... wrong. Cold. I wanted a real home, a house just for my family. That's why we came here. The other Houses followed, but as you can see, they just wanted to profit from the press-free atmosphere."

Bones nodded. "Have you ever thought of going back home? To Earth, I mean."

Amanda bit her lip. "Once. It was a month after Sarek and I were bonded, I think. We had an argument... well, I had an argument. He just stood there and was being very Vulcan-y and composed."

"Sorry for asking, but... what could you possibly have argued about?"

The look in her eyes became tender. "I told him I wanted to have children."

Jim blinked staring at her. "Sarek didn't want to...?"

"No," she shook her head. "At first I was angry at him; I thought he had just taken me as his wife because it was convenient. In the end he told me that he was afraid that I would not survive the pregnancy. 'Vulcan blood is based on copper and the child would logically feed on your copper-resources', he said. 'I will not allow you to take such high risks for a child that we may not even be able to conceive.'"

She laughed. "As you can see, I was very stubborn and in the end, he gave in."

"And then you had little Spock and lived happily ever after," Bones grumbled.

Jim snorted and took a tiny sip from his Kray-juice. Amanda grinned at Bones and, without asking, shovelled some more food onto his plate. "What about you, Leonard? Are you missing Earth?"

"Not really. Sure, I miss the cooler weather sometimes and the food, but all in all, I'm better off here. But maybe I could go back there, just to visit of course, when they manage to invent Warp." He shrugged, hazel eyes trained on his glass of juice.

"Oh, Sarek said it won't take too much longer," Amanda smiled.

"I'm thinking about going back," Jim said quietly.

It was silent for an uncomfortable moment, until Amanda dropped her fork with a loud clatter.

"What?" Amanda's voice was weak and a little shrill. "I... what are you saying, honey? Don't you like it here anymore?"

Jim winced. Alright, that definitely was not how he had planned this to go. "It's not that, Manda... I just... need some space. Change of perspective."

"You're not seriously going to let that Vulcan voodoo chase you away from yer home, right?" Bones pointed his fork at him. "That's stupid, get yer head outta yer ass and get over this mess. It's not worth going back to the place that rejected ya in the first place."

"My, what language...," Amanda mumbled, causing Bones to flush a bright, cherry-red.

Jim snickered. "Alright, alright, calm down, Bones. Sheesh. I said I was _thinking_ about it. Doesn't mean I'll actually have the guts to do it."

Bones scratched the back of his head in embarrassment. "Yeah, you're right. Sorry, ma'am, my mouth runs away with me sometimes."

"It's alright, I'm used to Jim's cursing."

"I don't curse that often!"

"I remember a thirteen-year-old ending his sentences with the words 'fuck' and 'hell' about ninety percent of the time."

"Now that's just not fair, I was thirteen and in the early throes of puberty!"

"You drama queen," Bones snickered.

"Shut up," Jim shook his head, trying to save his dignity.

Hah, as if that was even possible when both Bones _and _Amanda were making fun of him. Trying to get a le-matya to play ball with you would probably be more productive. And maybe less detrimental to one's health, too.

Okay, not really.

"Honey, are you alright?" Amanda's warm hand reached out to him, touching his face.

Jim automatically leaned into the contact. "I'm fine, just tired."

"You feel a little warm," she murmured.

"Really, I'm okay," Jim smiled and gently pushed her searching fingers away.

Bones stood to lean across the table to plant his broad hand onto Jim's forehead and grasped his wrist to press his thumb against the pulse. "Elevated pulse and you're way too warm. Congrats, kiddo, you have a fever. Ya do know that ya can tell me when you're feeling like crap, right? I'm a doctor, for God's sake."

"I know, Bones, but it's just a little fever. Nothing to worry about," Jim shrugged and pulled his hand away from Bones.

The older man sighed and sat down again. "You're gonna be the end of yerself one day, Jimbo."

"Heh, probably," Jim grinned, trying to dislodge the sombre atmosphere that had overtaken the room. "Oh, uhm, Manda?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Is Spock coming home today?"

"I do not know, baby, Sarek took him to the Temples of Gol again."

"Oh," Jim nodded. "I see."

Jim sighed and stood to refill the Kray-juice jug. He ignored the sudden bout of dizziness and ambled towards the fridge. The floor seemed to lurch, his feet felt like they were walking across a sea of pillows and his dinner was threatening to come back up his throat. He placed the jug on the kitchen-counter, determined to keep the food down.

Jim clutched the edge of the counter, trying to keep himself upright.

Alright. If he fell on his ass now, Bones would probably give him a scolding, loud enough to blast his ears off, and an 'I told you so!' on top of it. If he fainted, he would escape said scolding for a while and then get hypoed into the next week. Both options didn't sound very pleasant.

"Jim?" Amanda sounded wary.

"Huh?"

"Are you alright?"

"Yep, just peachy," he turned around with a smile.

Or at least, that was what he had planned to do.

Instead, he gasped as the kitchen seemingly tilted to the side, his legs buckled and a moment later, he had fallen to the floor.

"_Jim_!"

Jim blinked at the ceiling, his mouth was dry and his throat felt like he had swallowed a pack of razors. His head was a ball of pain, his brain felt as if it had been turned to mush and he was gasping for air. His vision had tunnelled and he could barely make out Amanda as she leaned over him to hold his head up slightly.

"Dammit, Jim, what did I tell ya about telling me when you feel like crap?" Bones' hands felt cool against his cheeks and Jim shivered at the gentle touch. "He's burning up. Let's get him into bed. We'll try to see if the fever goes down on its own, but if it doesn't we have to bring it down ourselves."

Jim wanted to tell him that it was fine; he would just stay down here. The floor was heavenly cool against his back and the world was not spinning anymore.

Of course, everything that came out of his mouth was a low croak that not even Spock would have interpreted as an actual attempt at English. Jim groaned when Bones lifted him up, his entire body was awash with pain and he tried weakly to escape his friend's arms.

"Ssh, Jimmy, it's okay," Amanda whispered as she ran a hand through his hair.

He was disorientated, everything was rocking. Up and down. Back and forth. His stomach lurched and he barely managed to keep himself from throwing up all over Bones' chest.

Finally he was lowered onto a mattress. Jim wriggled against the still cool pillows, trying to focus his rolling eyes but failing miserably. He was dying. _We killed it and now I'm dying too._

He was so confused.

"Jim. Jim, calm down, it's alright, you're fine. Don't exert yerself. You're just making the fever worse! Stop moving, dammit!" Bones grabbed his shoulders, stilling his desperate attempts at getting away.

Jim whined, the sound chafing at his sore throat. "'s dead, B'nes... w-we killed it..."

"Ssh, kiddo. Just stay with us, alright?"

He was on fire, why could they not see that? Could they not see that his entire self had burned down and turned to ashes? That he had allowed that the most precious thing he had ever possessed to be destroyed, because he wanted to set Spock free?

Why was he being punished for being selfless?

"Leonard, what's wrong with him?"

"I don't know, ma'am. He shouldn't have gotten worse so fast if it was just a fever," calloused hands brushed a stray lock from his head. "Maybe you should call Lady T'Pau. She might know something. This doesn't look like it's physical. You said he's been sickly since the bond was broken, right?"

"What are you saying?"

"Maybe something went wrong."

Jim felt his eyes roll back into his head and-

_Jim sat underneath the remnants of the tree. Black pearls littered the, now dry, ground. The sky above him had cracked and slowly fell apart, covering the ground in black sludge and flickering starlight. _

_He let the dying plant behind him wrap its roots around his body. He leaned back against the burnt bark, staring down at the dark auburn threads hanging from his body. They had succeeded in turning his chest into an open cavity. A tiny, barely there light flickered just behind his breastbone, desperately working to warm his freezing insides. _

_He lifted a hand to touch what was left of the bond. It felt soft, fragile and the sweet smell of decay it was emitting sickened Jim. He tugged at the strands, trying to rip them from his chest. He had held onto them for too long. _

_Had let the thought of Spock taking him back drive him insane for too long. _

_It hurt. The bond was bound to his sternum and every tug threatened to rip the bone from his chest. _

_But he needed to remove it. He could not face Spock like this. How was he going to look at Spock when his chest was a cage made from white ribs and rotting flesh, inhabited by a tiny, golden bird that was dying slowly from the lack of light and nourishment it received? _

_When his body was falling apart like a poorly made quilt?_

_Jim curled forward, wrapping his arms around his exposed ribcage as the cold reached the small light._

_Come and find me, Spock._

_Please._

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><p>*sips tea* I always get cold reading through this chapter. I'm not sure why, though.<p> 


	21. Chapter 17: I Am Complete

I promised to post this. Uhm... thank you all for sticking with me and the story of course.

I'll just post these chapter's as fast as I can and when they're betaed, I'll post the betaed version.

I don't really know what to think of this chapter... uuuhm. Yeah. Enjoy!

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Chapter 17: i am complete

Spock was seated on a meditation mat. He was currently located in one of Gol's many temples, trying to centre himself, while soothing the cauterized wound the bond had left behind. He took a cleansing breath and slowly immersed himself in his thoughts.

"Spock? You have received a call. Your Mother requests that you and your Father return home immediately," T'Pau's voice was quiet, but Spock was on his feet in an instant.

"May I inquire as to why?"

"I do not know for certain, but James seems to have taken ill and is currently without consciousness."

Spock swallowed. If the bond had been still present, he would have felt that something was wrong with Jim. Then he would not have had to find out through a third party that his love was suffering.

_No. _Jim was not his love.

"Very well, I shall retrieve my Father. Will you be travelling with us?"

"Yes, your Mother has asked for me to assess Jim's condition. She seems to be of the suspicion that something must have not gone as planned during the dissolving of your bond."

"I do not understand."

T'Pau inclined her head. "Every breaking of a bond includes a fair amount of risks, Spock. Yours was no exception."

The way back home was a particularly long one. Spock dug his nails into the seats of the hover-car and practically bolted into the house as soon as the vehicle had stopped.

Mother was sitting on the lowest step of the staircase. Her eyes were red from crying and her lips quivered marginally. Spock knelt down in front of her. "Mother? Where is Jim?"

"Upstairs in his room, darling. Leonard is with him," she whispered.

Spock clenched his hands into fists and sprinted up the steps.

Leonard McCoy was sitting in a chair beside Jim's bed. One of his hands was wrapped around Jim's wrist, holding it tightly. His hair was mussed and the sleeves of his shirt were rolled up and there were wet stains on the front of the dark-blue material.

"We had to cool him off somehow," Spock was startled when the man started speaking quietly. "His fever was getting too close to the point of causing brain damage. We tried a cold bath and it eventually went down. But he won't wake up. It's like he's locked in his own head."

McCoy turned his head to look at Spock, his eyes shone with extra moisture and Spock was taken aback. Then again, Jim and McCoy had gotten very close. Maybe even fell in love.

The man stood and gestured for Spock to take his vacated seat. "Keep an eye on him. I assume ya took Lady T'Pau with ya? Good. I'm going downstairs and give her the blurb of what happened."

Spock stepped aside to let McCoy through and hesitantly made his way to Jim's bed.

Jim was lying flat on his back, his face turned towards the chair. His arm, the one that had not been held captive by McCoy's hand, was draped loosely across his stomach. The usually tanned face was ashen and covered in cold sweat. Jim's rosy mouth was now pale and dry, cracking in some places.

A faint tremor shook the fragile body and Spock sank down on the edge of the bed to place a hand against Jim's cheek. It was cold.

Through their contact he could feel a sticky mix of fear, pain and longing filter into Spock's brain. Once more he wished that the bond was still intact. He should be with Jim.

Instead he was sitting uselessly beside him, unable to reach out to wherever Jim was at the moment. He wanted to dive back into Jim's vibrant mind and curl up around him until he was healthy again.

The problem behind that particular temptation was that every meld-like contact with Jim would most likely result in another bond.

That was why Father had insisted that they had to be separated until he was bonded to T'Pring.

Jim's breathing hitched and a soft, raspy sound escaped his throat. Spock closed his eyes and then stood when the door behind him hissed open.

T'Pau strode into the room, her gaze trained on Jim's motionless body. "Move aside, Spock, I shall see if the dissolving of your bond has caused James' illness."

Spock reluctantly drew himself into the corner of the room. T'Pau sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed, reached out to place her fingers onto Jim's meld-points and finally closed her eyes. Spock felt dread rise up in his chest when her face started to become paler and paler by the second.

Upon ending the meld, she drew her hand away, only to brush it through Jim's hair slowly. It was a very odd gesture for her, too gentle, too human. It made something inside of Spock clench painfully.

"Were you able to find out what is wrong with Jim?" Spock inquired.

"Indeed I have."

Spock was tempted to release and impatient huff. "What is it then?"

"When I broke the bond between you, you saw it fall away from you, did you not?"

"Yes," Spock felt his sternum give a twinge of phantom pain.

"Jim's side of the bond did not. He has latched onto the remnants of it and by refusing to let them go, kept them to literally poison his mind. A broken bond, especially one that has been as strong as yours, can be compared to an open wound. If left unattended it becomes infected and poisons the mind. Jim's mindscape is already falling apart; I was unable to reach him without causing harm to both Jim and myself."

"Can you do nothing-?"

"No. Spock, the reason why I wanted to wait two weeks until I broke the bond, was that I had a suspicion that there was more to your connection."

"I... do not understand."

"When I assessed your minds I was astonished by the compatibility. I have never seen anything like it," she faltered for a moment, her hand stilling on top of Jim's head. "Spock, have you heard the word '_t'hy'la_' before?"

"I have, but I was told it was a mere legend among the warriors in pre-Surakian times."

"There have been cases, but they were before my time. It is not merely a legend, Spock, but a forgotten fact. My suspicion that you were _t'hy'la_ were dwarfed however when your Father told me that you had agreed to break the bond. Now I see that I should have refused to do so."

"What are you saying?"

"You were both not willing to break the bond. But whereas you could let go of it, because you did not want to be reminded of Jim after it was gone in fear of being hurt, Jim wanted to keep a part of it to hold on to."

Spock furrowed his brows. "Why would he do this?"

T'Pau lifted an eyebrow and shook her head. "You are very much like your Father. Intelligent but obtuse."

Spock did not know if he should feel insulted or take it as a compliment. "What will happen to Jim? This is a curable affliction, is it not?"

T'Pau lowered her head. "No, Spock. I believe he will leave this world within the next 3.7 hours."

Spock felt as if he had been drenched in ice-cold water. "Are... are you certain?"

She nodded and finally stood, facing him. "I grieve with thee, Spock."

Spock was unable to answer and barely realised it when T'Pau left. His legs carried him back towards the bed, where his knees buckled almost instantly. Reaching out to take Jim's hand, he noticed that they had taken on an almost waxen appearance; the nail bed was painted a sickening blue and the red of the blanket that covered Jim contrasted sharply with his pale complexion.

"_You will stay with me. Right, Spock_?"

"_Of course, Jim. With you... I am complete_."

"_Aw, you're so cute_."

Spock laid his head onto the mattress. He pulled the small hand he had taken into his own closer to flutter small kisses across the cold knuckles.

"Jim, I am sorry...," he whispered against the icy skin. "I did not wish for this to happen."

The door behind him hissed open and his Mother stumbled inside. "Spock, tell me it's not true!"

He raised his head to look at her. She was shaking, chest heaving in dry sobs.

"Mother..."

"No," the word was a choked murmur; it barely even seemed to cause her vocal-folds to vibrate. "He can't... Spock..."

"I apologise."

Mother shook her head and stumbled across to room to fall down beside him, wrapping her slender arms around him tightly. "No, no, Spock. I... I wasn't... I would _never _blame you. Nobody could have known this would happen."

"It was my fault, Mother. Jim is not a telepath, he could not protect himself against the bonding and-"

"Spock! You both did not know. T'Pau said it was neither yours nor Jim's fault. Your minds simply recognised one another and the rest is history. What happens now is... is simply the consequence of a huge misunderstanding."

"Misunderstanding?"

"Spock... have you never noticed how Jim looks at you?"

"Mother...?"

"You love him, don't you? And you thought he did not return your feelings. That's the reason why you wanted to break the bond."

Spock furrowed his brows. "Jim does not love me, Mother. It was only logical to free Jim of the bond."

"That is where you are wrong, Spock," her embrace got marginally tighter. "He does love you."

"No. I believe he is in love with McCoy."

"Spock... is that what happened eight days ago? You had a fight about him leaving in the morning...?"

"He made it very clear that the bond was a temporary, unwanted construct-"

She shook her head, interrupting him sharply. "Have you ever thought that he felt like that too? Like you did not love him and he had to set _you _free?"

Spock froze and slowly squeezed his eyes shut. It could not be true.

He detangled himself from her arms and unsteadily got to his feet. "I... I need to be alone. Excuse me."

As he turned towards the door, he saw Father standing by the wall. He let Spock pass, as if he knew that it would be useless to try and speak to him now.

Spock stumbled out into the hall, running past McCoy, whom was sitting on the couch in the living-room, and out of the house.

The garden was quiet. Serene in the face of the dying man lying within the house it surrounded.

Spock shuddered as he breathed in the fresh air. It was heavy with the smell of blooming _dbalillies_, the chocolate-scent clogging his brain and soothing across the whirling storm of thoughts. He barely noticed that he had automatically returned to their secret place by the pond.

Spock remembered the day it had become _their _place. Jim had just turned six and had insisted that they were to go on an adventure. Of course, it was not much of an adventure, considering that they were merely running through Mother's garden, pretending that there was a pride of le-matya after them.

Jim had literally stumbled upon the forgotten pond in the back of the garden. He had tripped over a root and fallen into the clearing. Spock had hurried after him, intend on tending to any scrape Jim may have had received, but instead was taken aback by the beauty that suddenly surrounded them. Jim had then declared the place as their hide-out.

Spock sank down into the grass by the pond. It was eerily quiet without Jim's constant talking about everything and nothing. Without his laughter, after he had accidentally slipped on the small sliver of mud surrounding the pond once again. Without his slow, quiet breathing whenever he was about to fall asleep right where he lay.

Spock suddenly realised that he would never have the chance to have nonsensical conversations with Jim again. He would never see Jim's smile again. Never hear him laugh again. Never simply have him sit down beside him, quietly and comfortably, because there were no words necessary between them.

Spock felt his shields crumble and his shoulders slumped in despair.

"Hey."

He actually flinched at the unexpected voice addressing him. McCoy was standing in front of him. "How did you find me?"

"Jim told me about this place. Said it's your... special place," McCoy sat down about 3.2 feet away from Spock.

Spock felt mildly betrayed by Jim. Had he not said that it was their secret? That no one should ever know of it?

"Should you not be with Jim?"

"Shouldn't you be?"

Spock frowned. "I am unsure that Jim would appreciate my presence if he was conscious."

McCoy scoffed. "Yer best friend is dying and you're too much of a coward to sit beside him? And to think Jim fell in love with a moron like you."

Spock blinked. "Jim is not in love with me."

"Fucking hell. I knew ya hobgoblins were a bunch of emotionally stunted retards, but this is really takin' the cake. Jim loves you. When he came to me eight days ago he was practically having a breakdown because he didn't want to break the bond, but knew he had to. He was so sure ya didn't love him back."

Spock's head was reeling. "Why did he not tell me... how did I not notice...?"

"Because you are _an emotionally stunted retard_. Just like Jim and the rest of the population of this goddamn oven that you call planet."

Spock was on his feet in an instant. "If what you say is true, then I just condemned Jim to an early death."

"Ya didn't do anythin'. It's like Romeo and Juliet. A huge misunderstanding on both parts leads to a freakin' suicide. Only this ain't Jim faking death and you're not committing suicide by drinking some lame-ass poison. But it's still a misunderstanding that caused this mess and Jim will be dead in the end."

Spock closed his eyes and sat back down heavily. "He is dying and it is my fault."

"It's not. Sure, if ya didn't have that huge fight the bond would have been broken later, maybe ya would have realised that ya feelings were reciprocated, who knows? But it was Jim's decision to leave the house without telling you. He knew ya would be angry, he did it anyway. It was also Jim that decided to hold onto the bond instead of letting go. There is simply no one to blame, because ya maybe a telepath, but certainly not a clairvoyant."

Spock nodded hesitantly. "I believe you are correct."

"I know. Now get yer ass back inside and go to Jim. Everyone else has said goodbye already."

He stood, numb and bereft of any emotion.

The house was quiet when he arrived. His Mother sat in the kitchen, a cup of tea steaming in front of her as she cried silently. Father was holding her hand, his face relaxed and for the first time in Spock's life, he could see sorrow in those black eyes that normally betrayed neither thought nor feeling.

Spock did not alarm them to his presence.

The staircase seemed to contain more steps that usual and when he finally reached Jim's door, he hesitated. It slid open without his consent however.

Spock stepped into the room warily. A second later he scrambled over to Jim's bed and crawled on top of the mattress to curl around the limb body. He wrapped his arms tightly around Jim's waist and buried his face in the blond locks on top of the younger man's head. Only now did he realise that Jim's hair did not smell of his own shampoo but of Spock's.

The hot prickle of tears surprised Spock and he shut his eyes tightly against the humiliating display of emotion.

He had been so blind.

Jim breathed a soft, raspy sigh against his throat. Spock ran his palm up and down the thin back. He was unnerved by how much thinner Jim had gotten.

Spock bit his lip and felt the first droplets drip from his eyes. They trickled down his cheeks and into Jim's hair. He placed a hand against Jim's chest, feeling his heart beat weakly against his fingers, slow and unsteady.

Spock sniffled and pressed a trembling kiss to Jim's hair. "Forgive me."

He raised a hand to place his fingers against Jim's meld-points.

If Jim was to die, he would not do so alone while caged in his own, crumbling mindscape.

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><p>I hope I didn't make Spock too un-Spock-y. If I did... well...*shrugs* *huddles back into the blanket and sips tea*<p> 


	22. Chapter 18: In Your Eyes

Hey guuuuys.

First, I'm so, so, so sorry. I didn't know the last chapter would make you cry. I didn't mean to. Honestly. That being said... thank you all for your reviews. You're great. All of you.

Uhm, I'll be changing the chapters that were unbetaed into betaed ones in the next days [including this one], so if you get an alert [do you get an alert when that happens?] I apologise.

Talltree-san: It's gonna be alright. =)

mazerreader to lazy to login: Uhm.. you s-scared me a little. You d-don't have to bribe me and threats... are not very nice. Uhm, I have four cats, so... no kittens a-and you don't have to remove any organs, whether or not they would be your own. Please no stalking, I'm already paranoid. A-and uhm... thanks for the compliment... I think.

foxtrot 21: Thank you =) Uhm, you're welcome, I try to update fast, because I know what it's like to wait months for a new chapter... =)

Alright, this is chapter 18. Enjoy!

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Chapter 18: in your eyes

_The first thing Spock noticed was the thin sheet of ice covering the dry sand beneath him. His feet were already going numb from the cold and he stumbled onward, trying to orientate himself. _

_The sky above him was covered in thin cracks, black sludge oozed from in between them. _

_A shrill cry echoed through the mindscape and he watched a flock of white birds flutter across the breaking firmament. On his left was a row of broken doors, a pair of small children's shoes was lying in a puddle of frozen, green paint. A trail of golden shards vanished into the distance and Spock ventured on. _

_...Come and find me..._

_Spock tried to follow the echo. He could barely see and his chest was throbbing painfully with every step he took. Something inside him tried to reach out, but to no avail. It was like he was trying to move an arm that had long been amputated. _

_...Ssspo..._

_A sharp gust of wind tussled up his hair and he had to close his eyes for a second, when it swept up tiny ice-crystals from the ground and into his face. _

_He coughed, the ice settling in his lungs and he wondered if it would kill him eventually, if he stayed here. _

_He had to find Jim. _

_A swing set stood in front of a formless statue made from stone and wire. It was splashed with various colours, ranging from soft blue to fiery red. Tiny, black pearls had been wedged between the mesh-wire. They looked like eyes, staring down at Spock accusingly. _

_A pale moon hung down from the wavering sky, spilling frigid light onto the mindscape. _

_Spock was disorientated. Nothing made sense. _

_The golden splinters on the ground cut into his feet and he was getting nowhere. Instead he painted green footsteps onto the icy ground. _

"_Jim!" he called out, his voice raspy from the cold and echoing eerily across the mindscape stretching before him. A drop of sludge dripped onto his shoulder and ate away at the skin until he hastily brushed it away. _

_He wiped his fingers on his robe. _

_His hand was smaller than usual. A child's hand. _

_Spock staggered on. _

_Locked doors, broken doors, open doors. _

_They were falling apart around him. _

"_Jim! Can you hear me?"_

_A house in the near distance. He recognised it from the countless melds with Jim. _

_It was the farm Jim had lived in back on Earth. _

_A gruff voice was shouting obscenities from inside the house, something crashed onto the floor and shattered. A boy was screaming, words Spock could not understand due to the velocity they were spit out with. _

_Another voice, smaller, higher this time. _

_A door was ripped open and Spock watched the tall boy run into the dark fields and vanish. _

_A blond boy stood inside the open door, tears dripping down his bruised face. A broad hand clasped the small child's shoulder and dragged him back into the house. The door slammed shut. _

_The lights inside the farmhouse went out and it was silent, until the house suddenly began to crumble and fall apart, leaving nothing but debris behind. Spock clenched his hands into tight fists, gritting his teeth in frustration. _

_Where was Jim? _

_The ground beneath him changed, a large field stretched out before him, the high stalks of corn were frozen, blackening at the tips. _

_There was nothing but corn as far as he looked. _

_Spock hobbled on, trying to find the small shards of golden glass between the stalks. The ground was vibrating beneath his feet, a thumping sound rattled through his bones, like a heartbeat, causing the cornstalks to rustle loudly. _

"_The itsy bitsy spider..."_

_Spock froze in his tracks, blinking at the soft, hoarse voice of a child being carried towards him by the wind. He remembered the strange song. Jim had sang it once or twice, seemingly without thinking._

"_...climbed up the water spout."_

_A shuddering breath was drawn. _

"_Down came the rain... and washed the spider out."_

_Spock started to run, ignoring the tiny stones and glass fragments that pierced themselves into the soles of his naked feet. _

"_Out came the sun and dried up all the rain..."_

_He arrived at a clearing, the stalks suddenly stopped, leaving a large, barren circle. In its middle stood what was left of their anchor. The song was again interrupted by a trembling, raspy breath._

"_...and the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again..."_

_The tree was burnt, a mere stump. Black pearls and ashes littered the floor, the roots had risen out of the dry earth and created a sort of cradle around the small child sitting in front of the tree. _

"_Jim?"_

_Jim looked up. His eyes were of an empty grey. The blue colour had seeped out of them and had left bright cerulean streaks down his cheeks and throat. _

_Spock stepped closer and Jim blinked slowly, mouth opening slightly, but no words escaped him. _

"_Jim, I am here, will you let me in?"_

_The blond smiled a soft, sad smile. The roots broke apart and turned to dust, leaving Jim exposed. _

_Spock stared at the hole in Jim's chest. The skin seemed to have simply been eaten away, frayed edges around a blackish cavity, the ribs creating a fragile cage. The breastbone was wrapped with auburn threads and behind them, inside Jim's chest, was a little, golden bird. _

_It was sitting on a small wooden swing, suspended in seemingly midair, just behind the bars of Jim's bones. _

"_You found me," Jim said quietly. _

_Spock's legs gave in without warning and he crawled towards the smaller boy. "Of course I did."_

_Jim's smile became a little brighter, then dimmer again and he looked to the side. "You should not be here."_

"_Jim..."_

"_I'm dying, you know?"_

"_Yes," Spock reached out to touch Jim's face, smearing the blue paint slightly. "Jim, forgive me. I should have seen..."_

"_It's okay. We were both pretty stupid, huh?" Jim grinned. "I should have let go, but I couldn't."_

"_Jim...," Spock swallowed. "Jim, you... I... taluhk nash-veh k'dular."_

_Jim blinked, opened his mouth, blinked again. "You...? No, I don't understand... Spock?"_

"_Jim, I thought you did not return my feelings. I apologise, I did not see-"_

"_No, you... you love me?" Jim laughed. It was a broken, hysterical sound. "You love me back... and now I'm dying... but you love me back, so...oh no..."_

"_I do," Spock drew the boy into his arms, mindful of the wound in his chest. "Forgive me, please."_

_Jim's tiny hands grasped the back of his robe tightly. "There's nothing to forgive, you silly Vulcan. We were both morons. Spock... you need to leave."_

"_No."_

"_Spock... all this, what you see now, this is my doing. This is me dying. I accepted that. But I will not take you with me. And you know, if you stay here, it will kill you alongside me. I don't want that. So, please, for my sake, go," Jim leaned back, his hands coming up to rest on Spock's cheeks, which were suddenly wet with tears. _

"_I cannot," Spock rasped. "Do ask this of me. Do not ask me to live without you."_

_The blue colour on Jim's face had still not dried; it dripped down his chin languidly. "I love you, Spock. I want you to live."_

"_Jim, you do not understand. I will not live if I go now. Without you I am only half a person. You are condemning me to a live a life that will be filled with the knowledge that I could have had everything, but was unable to grasp my chance," Spock leaned his forehead against Jim's and let his voice drop to a whisper. "Do not send me away, t'hy'la."_

_Jim drew a gasping breath and the small bird gave a trilling sound that reminded Spock of Jim's laughter. _

_A second later, he felt the ground beneath him turn to soft sand. Water lapped at his toes. _

_Jim was no longer in his arms, but stood a few feet away. His chest was closed, the decaying threads still hung down from his collarbone, though._

_In his hands he held a fragile spinning-wheel. _

_Spock clambered to his feet and staggered towards Jim, reaching for the wheel. "Let me..."_

"_Spock...," Jim sighed, then shook his head and placed the spinning-wheel into the sand. "We do not have any fibres to use it on."_

_Spock smiled and gently grasped the rotten strands hanging from Jim's unmarred chest. They watched as it grew longer and brighter between Spock's fingertips, changing slowly into something more healthy but clearly unable to reach the true end of its metamorphose on its own. It was a rough material, flaky and raw. Jim sat down, letting Spock pull all the strands together and wrap them around the spindle. _

_Finally, Spock started to spin. _

_A golden thread was curling itself onto the wheel and when Spock stopped for a second to grasp the end of it, it slithered up his arm, not unlike a snake, and vanished beneath the robe upon reaching his chest._

_Suddenly, the world was awash with gold and warmth. The tree grew, healthy and strong, the pearls on the ground vanished and started to bloom anew on the branches instead, once again bright and golden. The water beneath them was soothingly cool and the wind brought white petals with it. _

_Jim laughed as the spinning-wheel vanished and the bond between them expanded to the thick and sturdy ribbon it once had been. _

"_Spock, what did you do?"_

"_I... am not certain," Spock reached out to Jim, pulling him to his feet and into his arms. "All I do know is... I found you."_

"_That you did," Jim murmured. "I just hope we didn't die and this is what the afterlife looks like. I'll be very mad at you."_

"_I do not particularly care if you are. I would have eternity to make it up to you."_

_Jim's tinkling laughter echoed through their mindscape. _

Jim opened his eyes. For the first time in days he felt no pain. A cool body was wrapped around him and somebody was gasping wetly against his temple.

"Spock?" he asked tentatively.

"Jim," Spock sounded oddly composed, but the muddled feelings stumbling through their bond told Jim a completely different story.

"Hey... we're okay...," Jim lifted his head, cradling Spock's face with his hands.

The hybrid was shaking, his eyes were tinted green, half-dried tear streaks covering his cheeks. He looked so distraught and relieved at the same time, that it nearly broke Jim's heart. "I made you cry, Spock. I'm so sorry. The last time you cried was... what... ten years ago, when those bullies insulted Amanda?"

Spock exhaled sharply through his nose it what Jim had come to know as his version of a disbelieving snort. "You almost died, Jim, and you apologise for causing an emotional reaction in me?"

"Of course. I can't really apologise for almost dying now, can I?"

"Are you... are you...still...?"

Jim smiled. "No, I'm not dying. At least, not any time soon."

Spock shuddered violently and Jim was suddenly aware of the fact that Spock must have never had such a breakdown before and that it probably shattered most of the hybrid's shields. He drew the Vulcan closer, kissing his cheek, his nose, his chin. He covered the wet face with all the love he possessed and tried to let as much of the warmth he felt inside his chest flow through the bond.

Spock was clinging to him, much like he had when he had been in the throes of Pon Farr.

Jim giggled quietly. "I think we're even now."

"What do you mean, Jim?"

"You almost died on me. Now I almost died on you," Jim grinned and kissed Spock's mouth, before the Vulcan could even think of contradicting him.

Spock melted into the kiss, sighing softly through his nose.

Jim drew away slowly, leaning his forehead against Spock. "You love me."

"I do," Spock whispered, his voice vibrating through Jim's chest.

He lifted his gaze to meet Spock's eyes. They were open, _so wide open_, and Jim had the distinct feeling that he would fall into them and shatter the delicate emotions that lay beyond with his body if he was not careful. The urge to cradle Spock close and just hide him from the world was something he had felt once before. It was when Spock realised that he would never fit into this world. The hybrid had hidden in his room, sitting silently and stoically on his bed, eyes glazed and unseeing, until Jim had decided to drag him out of his funk.

"_I am not natural, Jim. I am neither Vulcan nor Human."_

"_I don't care who or what you are, Spock. It doesn't matter to me. You're Spock and that's all I want you to be."_

_Spock blinking, his eyes suddenly bright with emotion and Jim could see the smile hiding in the corners of his lips. _

Spock's mouth opened slightly, his lips tinted minty green and Jim could not resist the urge to place a soothing kiss upon them. "You _love_ me."

"I have already stated as much yes-"

"No, you... I should have seen it earlier. I can see it in your eyes. You've always looked at me like this, Spock. I saw it but didn't understand... I was so _fucking blind_!"

Spock's mouth twitched at the corners. "I was thinking the same thing hours before. Of course, I decided not to use the word 'fucking', unlike you."

"I can't believe you just said _fucking_," Jim gaped. "I shouldn't find this hot. But I do."

Spock ducked his head and nuzzled Jim's throat, breathing in deeply. One of his hands was ghosting over his shoulder, towards the scarred flesh of the bite-mark. "You did not remove it...?"

"No... I promised you I wouldn't," Jim kissed Spock's temple. "It hurt everytime I looked at it. But... somehow, it made me feel... like I was still yours."

Spock gave an almost inaudible whine and licked across the scar. "I will never let you go again, Jim."

Jim groaned softly and squeezed his eyes shut. "I hope you're not planning anything exhausting, Spock. I can barely move and I'm sure if I try, I'll fall asleep in a second."

A searing bout of fear swept through the golden ribbon and Jim wrapped his weak arms around Spock's waist to soothe him. Spock's grip tightened and caused him to wince when his ribcage groaned from the pressure. _Jim, please, do not-_

_Not like that. I'm just tired._

_I apologise, Jim, my shields have been broken when I entered your mind._ The crushing embrace loosened and Jim was able to draw a deep breath.

_Sorry about that. _Jim pressed a gentle kiss to Spock's lips. _Spock... your parents, we have to-_

_Later. Sleep now. _Spock sounded rather worn out himself.

_Spock, they think I'm dying. Or dead... how long has it been since you came here?_

_I do not know. _Spock curled his body tightly around Jim. _I do not care. Sleep._

Jim sighed and decided to question the stubborn Vulcan later. The scolding for endangering himself had to wait, too. For the moment, it was fine.

And it would hopefully stay that way.

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><p>*blinks* Yeah... this doesn't count as a cliffhanger, right? I don't think so...hm.<p> 


	23. Chapter 19: The Grand Facade

Hey guys! This is it. The end of the story.

Well, okay, I'll write an epilogue. But this is, essentially, the end.

I'm really proud of this thing and I got a lot of awesome feedback. Thank you all for sticking with In Your Eyes. I just hope I didn't fuck Sarek up too much. =P

kim: thank you for the compliment! I'm glad you like my version of the mindscape.

Talltree-san: I have never seen these movies, so, I don't really know. =) I'm glad you liked the scene, it took me forever to write it. LoL, yeah, the eye-part was a little creepy but I love creepy stuff. ;)

mazerreader: Hahaa, it's okay =) [what a weird joke. why would you offer an organ, it's useless once it's out of the body! D=]

jackanapes: I actually never considered taking the story further. Maybe one day I'll write a sequel, but for now, that's it. =) Okay, so, when I read your comment I got stuck twice on the part with 'pregnant Jim'. I'm fairly new to writing actual fanfiction, so I'll have to warm up to that idea. Maybe someday. Oh and I'm sorry you cried so much! D=

katherine: Aww, thanks =) I hope your Thanksgiving was nice too!

Alrightey. Sorry, if I didn't respond to all your comments. I'm a little overwhelmed with them and I have some big exams in a week so yeah. D=

Enjoy!

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Chapter 19: the grand facade

Jim clawed his way back to consciousness. His eyes flickered open and he was momentarily startled by the strong arms holding him close. However, seconds later, he remembered everything. The broken bond, feeling sick, almost dying and finally, how Spock had saved him.

Spock shifted against him, heaving a heavy sigh against his temple. Jim smiled softly and pressed a kiss to Spock's collarbone. They needed to get up soon. He did not want to leave Amanda grieving for much longer. Something cold settled in his stomach. How would they react to their renewed bonding? Amanda would understand, surely, but Sarek? What if Spock's father insisted that they had to break it again? What if Spock agreed and decided it was logical to be with T'Pring? What if-

Spock sat up abruptly, dragging Jim upright with him. "Jim, would you cease thinking such blatant nonsense? I will never leave you. I do not care for my Father's approval."

"Spock, he could disinherit you!"

"Do you truly believe I care about this? I would gladly give up my life on Vulcan if he is unwilling to accept my choice in bondmate. I will not leave you as much as I would not carve my own heart out."

Jim opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again and gave a breathless laugh. "You're crazy. You're fucking crazy. I love you."

Spock's eyes softened and he leaned his forehead against Jim's.

They did not speak for a while, letting their emotions seep through the bond and tangle around each other. Spock's fingers gently traced Jim's side and Jim suddenly remembered the way his mother had caressed the keys of the old piano standing in the living-room at the farm. Spock's fingers tabbed against the protruding arches and Jim felt like his abdomen was suddenly filled with music. Every touch was a burst of love and need and he could barely breathe anymore. His body shook and he suddenly wished to cry and cling to Spock, because he knew, if he did not, he would fall apart.

"Jim, calm yourself," Spock's baritone vibrated through his chest and Jim drew a shaky breath.

"I'm sorry," Jim rasped. "We... we should go downstairs. Tell your parents that... that I'm awake. That I'm alive."

"Yes," Spock rolled out of bed, standing to look at Jim. "Are you able to walk?"

"Let me get up and we'll see," Jim grinned and scooted towards the bed's edge.

He got onto his feet alright, but his knees were shaking ridiculously. "Yeah, how about I latch onto you, in case I trip or something."

Spock grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around Jim's shoulders. "Shall I carry you?"

Jim frowned at him. "No."

"Very well, I was merely offering."

Jim snickered. "Sure you were."

Spock gently wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him against his side. They made their way to the door slowly due to Jim's trembling legs.

"Spock, are you sure you want to put your future at risk for me?"

Spock sighed through his nose. "Jim, t'hy'la, without you, I have no future."

"That's not-"

"It is true. Do not tell me you do not feel the same way. You were willing to die, because you thought I did not love you. If Father does not accept this and I have to choose between you and T'Pring, I _will _choose you. Always."

Jim chuckled and grimaced when the staircase came into view. "So... you keep calling me t'hy'la. I thought that was a myth."

"So did I. T'Pau has told me that it was not. It is merely something that occurs so seldom, that it has, in the end, been turned from fact into fiction."

"Alright, but- _wait_. When we melded the first time... the golden thread. That was our bond forming, right? That's what happened back then."

Spock turned his head towards him, eyes wide. "Oh."

"_Oh_? You didn't think of that? Hah, damn, Spock," Jim laughed. "It's part of the leg- ... uh... story...? Two minds that complete each other in every sense. Two parts of a whole, instantly drawn to one another and destined to be together. It's like a fairy-tale, Spock. When did our life become a Disney movie?"

"I... am uncertain of what you are talking about exactly," Spock lifted an eyebrow. "What is 'Disney'?"

"Never mind," Jim waved it off. "Let's get downstairs."

He eyed the seemingly endless staircase warily. Spock's arm slipped a little higher and Jim gave an undignified squeak when he was hoisted into Spock's arms once more. "We will be faster this way."

"Is this a Vulcan thing? You love to carry me around, because you have to show off to everyone that you staked your claim on me? I was thinking that the bite-mark was enough already." Jim grinned at Spock, whom only raised an eyebrow and glanced at the ceiling quickly in the Vulcan equivalent of an eye-roll.

"Jim."

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I just love to tease you."

"Indeed," Spock made his way down the steps, Jim leaned his head against Spock's shoulder.

When they reached the end of the staircase, it was quiet. Jim could see Sarek and Amanda on the couch; the Vulcan had curled around his wife, staring passively out of the large window pane on the right side of the living-room, while Manda shuddered with every soft sob that escaped her.

They had not noticed them yet, which was a miracle in itself, since Sarek usually heard _everything_.

Spock sat Jim onto his feet, steadying him when he swayed. "Mother, Father."

Amanda gasped and Sarek turned his head towards them. Jim watched as his black eyes widened marginally. "James."

"Jimmy?" Amanda hiccupped, sitting up more to look at him.

Her eyes were puffy and red, her face was wet from the tears and her hair resembled a bird's nest. Jim smiled at her. "The one and only."

She gaped, shaking her head from side to side slowly. "But... you... you were dying... you should have... you should be dead, Jim, what...?"

Jim pretended to be insulted. "Gee, Amanda, a little more enthusiasm!"

A hysterical laugh escaped her lips and she sagged against Sarek, burying her face in her husband's robe. "Oh God, thank you... thank you, thank you, thank you..."

Sarek was staring at them and Jim was surprised to see genuine relief in the usually marble-cold eyes. "You are alive."

"Yeah, thanks to Spock," Jim said, smiling when Spock linked their index-fingers together.

"Explain."

"I... I'm not really sure what happened exactly. I can barely remember anything coherent after I fainted in the kitchen. I recall giving up trying to stay awake and... falling into my own mind. I was ready to die, not only because it was inevitable, so I hid in the mindscape as it fell apart. Spock, he... he found me."

"You melded with James, Spock? While he was on the verge of death?" a hint of misplaced fear stole itself into Sarek's voice. "You are aware that you could have perished alongside him, if you had stayed too long, are you not?"

Amanda gasped and lifted her head to stare at her son. "Spock!"

"I was aware," Spock spoke quietly.

Another chunk was ripped out of the grand facade that was Sarek's emotionless face, when his eyebrows flew up in a blatant display of shock. "Spock-"

"I was aware," Spock repeated firmly. "But I could not bear the thought of Jim dying alone."

Jim turned to look at Spock accusingly. "You _did _want to die. You had no idea you could save me, you just... just... you're so stupid! "

Spock inclined his head, looking down at his toes, eyebrows slightly furrowed. "Forgive me. But I do not regret it."

Jim huffed. "Yeah, well, it turned out alright in the end."

Amanda detangled herself from Sarek. She staggered towards Jim and Spock, eyes watering. The next second, she smacked them both on the back of their heads, before pulling them into a rib-crushing embrace. "What have I done to deserve you all? You are all a bunch of retarded, stubborn men!"

"Amanda-," Sarek started to say, but he was interrupted by his wife.

"No! You're no better! Sometimes I could strangle you lot, damn it all!"

_Oh dear, she's super mad at us, she cursed!_

_I believe you are right. _

_Yeah, well, she's probably a lot angrier at you, though, I think. Seriously, Spock, you wanted to commit suicide!_

_I do not think I would have survived long without you by my side either way, Jim._

_Don't be so dramatic._

_I am not, I am speaking the truth. Also, being dramatic seems to be your area of expertise._

Jim chuckled and gently stepped away from Amanda to lean against Spock. Manda wiped her eyes hastily and stumbled backwards to fall onto the couch. Or rather, onto Sarek's lap. The Vulcan blinked slowly, clearly taken by surprise. When she turned to tuck her head under his chin however, he immediately wrapped his arms around her waist. She closed her eyes tiredly and gave a shaky sigh, before stilling in Sarek's embrace.

"Spock. What did James mean when he said that you 'found' him?

"I searched for him in the mindscape. When I found him, he tried to make me see reason and leave. But I could not," Spock seemed unsure of how to word himself, his arm twitching slightly where it was pressed against Jim. "I knew now that my... my feelings for him were reciprocated and I..."

Spock faltered.

Sarek closed his eyes. "I understand."

"You do?" Jim blushed at his own outburst. "Uh... I mean..."

"Lady T'Pau has told us that the reason for you bond was not that you had melded so often over the years. It merely deepened the connection you have most likely established the first time Spock and you melded."

"It did. We did not know what it was back then, however. We were too young," Spock wrapped his hand around Jim's, squeezing it tightly. "When I found Jim again, I repaired our bond. That is what saved him. Saved us."

Sarek nodded. "Am I right to assume that you wish to stay bonded to James, Spock?"

Jim swallowed and pressed himself more firmly into Spock's side, wrapping the ends of the blanket tighter around himself. This was it. The moment where Sarek would either decide to cast them out or allow them to stay.

"Yes, I do "

Jim could see Amanda smile, but she did not intervene. Somehow, Jim had the feeling that she was eavesdropping on Sarek's thoughts. The thought and her accompanying smile calmed his racing heart a little.

Sarek blinked then inclined his head. "It would be illogical to ask you to dissolve the bond once more. I do not wish to lose my son by forcing him to do so. Nor do I wish to lose you, James. I apologise for acting the way I did towards both of you. It was unbecoming of me."

Jim gaped, his brain stuttering to a screeching halt and finally crashing, only to reboot moments later. Was this Sarek they were talking to? He felt like he had accidentally entered a soap-opera. "I... are you... are you serious?"

Sarek raised an eyebrow and Jim was taken aback by how much Spock resembled his Father. "Vulcans are always serious."

Jim chuckled. Definitely Sarek. "Thank you."

Sarek shook his head. "Thanks are illogical, especially since I do not deserve them. I do, however, feel the urge to thank _you_, James. For accepting Spock. The reason why I was so adamant on insisting that he was to marry T'Pring, was that I had thought that it would make it easier for him to be accepted among the society that has been wary of him since the day he was born. You know that Spock's life was not always easy due to his heritage. That is why I tried to sever you from him. What I had not considered was hat your bond could have been more than an... inconvenience born from carelessness. I regret this deeply and I hope you are able to forgive me."

Jim shook his head, feeling dizzy. "Of... of course."

Sarek's eyes softened. "I am proud to have you as my son's bondmate, James."

Jim grinned broadly then swirled around to wrap his arms around Spock and kiss him soundly on his lips.

_Did you hear that Spock?_

Spock did not answer through their bond; Jim felt his emotions tangle, his thoughts tripping over them in an attempt to form a sentence. It was all in vain, however. Jim felt incredibly smug.

Amanda was laughing heartily when Jim finally broke away from Spock, leaving the hybrid staring at him breathlessly. "Alright, you two, get a room."

Spock's ears flushed an endearing green. "_Mother_."

"What? Oh come on, Spock, you have no right to be embarrassed. I walked in on you twice."

Jim groaned. "Don't remind me!"

He sagged forward into Spock's arms, suddenly feeling drained and ready to just drop to the floor to sleep. After this rollercoaster-ride of misunderstandings and love-declarations, he definitely needed at least another day to recuperate.

Sarek cleared his throat. "Maybe you should go upstairs again. You both seem tired."

"Good idea," Jim did not even protest when Spock lifted him up into his arms this time.

Amanda stretched an arm out and Spock took a step closer, to let her take Jim's hand. "Promise me to never do anything so stupid again. Both of you."

"We'll try," Jim smiled tiredly at her.

Amanda stood from her perch on Sarek's lap and placed a gentle kiss to Jim's forehead and a second one to Spock's cheek. "I'm so glad you are okay. Both of you. Now get going!"

Jim nodded and Spock inclined his head, before striding towards the staircase once more.

"And lock the door, please!"

Jim cursed. "Shut up!"

They trudged upstairs, but Spock carried them into his own room, instead of going back to Jim's.

They curled up on their sides, facing each other. Jim could not stop smiling, his cheeks were starting to hurt and he lifted his hand to run his fingers through Spock's thick hair. "I can't believe this. It's like... a dream. I'm scared that if I go to sleep now, I'll wake up and find myself in Iowa again, alone and hiding under the bed."

Spock tenderly cradled Jim's face with his hands, their palms cool against his skin. "It is not a dream, Jim. However, I too am surprised of my Father's reaction."

"I bet Amanda ripped him a new one while you were searching for me."

Spock left eye twitched. "That is... a rather disturbing thing to imagine."

Jim chortled. "I bet it is."

"Jim."

"Hm?"

"You do realise that we will have to hold a real bonding ceremony soon, do you not?"

"Oh... you mean like... in front of people? Like... like a wedding?"

"Yes," Spock seemed unsure. "You have not changed your mind, have you?"

"No, of course not," Jim laughed. "It's just... weird. I mean... I never thought I'd marry. Ever. And now I'm seventeen and bonded to the most wonderful person in the galaxy. The only thing that's missing now is a bunch of birds singing a love-song and somebody saying 'and they lived happily ever after'."

Spock raised an amused eyebrow and drew him into a fierce kiss. Jim melted into it immediately and tangled his fingers into Spock's hair. A sneaky, cold hand slipped over his ass, squeezing his left buttock, causing him to squeak and rock his hips forward.

_Damn. Happily ever after,_ _indeed_.

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><p>Alrighteeeey. That was it. I probably screwed Sarek up ENTIRELY. But I don't care. Amanda probably DID rip him a new one anyway, so it's entirely justified if he's a little odd.<p>

Am I right, Mr. Left Thumb? Thought so.

Sorry for every error, I twisted my ankle yesterday and I'm a little out of it, because it huuuurts. Curse you cat, for making me trip over you!


	24. Epilogue

So. I just wanted to add a litte something at the end, because...yeah.

It's just a tiny snippet. I dunno.

I love all your reviews. I'm so sorry for no answering to all of them, but I'm a little stressed with university stuff at the moment.

Shara: Thank you and my ankle is already better =)

TooLazyToLogIn: Oh, I actually missed your reviews! I was wondering if you didn't like it anymore. I'll try not to destroy the mindscape again. I love creepy-stuff and thank you so much for the compliment, it means a lot to me =) FFFFF, Mark Lenard. I don't even... he's awesome. My brain just exploded I think. LoL, yeah, I probably should stay away from EVERYTHING, if I want to keep all my fingers/toes/arms...

Kim: Glad you liked it! =P As for what I am writing next... wait and see!

Talltree-san: Then I'll try to find the movies and I'll watch them =). I like the idea with Spock trying to find logic in a Disney movie. I'll write a one-shot, when I have the time!

This thing is unbetaed too, sorry. =) Enjoy anyway.

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><p><strong>In Your Eyes<strong>

Epilogue:

"Dammit, Jim, hold still!"

"Ouch!"

"You're such a child, seriously," Bones grumbled and closed the last buckle on Jim's robe. "There. Was that so bad?"

"Very," Jim breathed out heavily. "This thing's trying to suffocate me!"

Bones snorted. "It does look a little like a corset. But it matches your skin tone and it accentuates your curves very we-"

"Shut the fuck up, Bones. I'm gonna sic Spock on you!"

"Don't be like that," the older man laughed and grabbed Jim's hands, to look at the henna-like designs on them. "Huh, it kinda reminds me of an Indian wedding. Amanda painted them, right?"

Jim nodded. "It's tradition."

"Yeah. It also proves that you're the girl in yer relationship."

Jim huffed. "What- how... nobody is the girl in our relationship, that's kind of the point!"

Bones chuckled and sat down on the small bench beside of the floor-length mirror. Jim crossed his arms and gazed into the reflecting surface.

The crème tunic wrapped itself snugly around his slim torso, the various golden clasps and buckles glinting in the sunlight streaming into the room from the windows. The high collar was only shy of being uncomfortable and he resisted the urge to tug it away from his throat. His legs were clad in simple, black slacks and his feet were bare, apart from the intricate designs painted onto the arch.

"Does Spock need to get his hands and feet painted too?" Bones asked innocently.

_Damn him. _

"Yes, actually," Jim answered smugly. "Well... only his hands. Amanda just wanted to paint my feet too."

"Oh," Bones blinked, taken aback and sounding slightly disappointed. "Why?"

Jim sighed heavily and plopped down beside Bones. "It's a very old Vulcan tradition. You know how Vulcans kiss with their hands, right? Of course you do. Anyway, do you see those unfinished curls and loose ends at the side of my hand? Amanda has to paint both Spock's and my hands so that in the end, when we place them palm to palm, they complete each other. If she did it right, they should fit perfectly and create a never-ending ornament. It's symbolic for our bond."

"Oh. I see," Bones scratched his chin. "For being a bunch of emotionless elves they certainly know how to be romantic."

Jim chortled. "Tell me about it, I've been here for almost thirteen years."

"Yeah. I still don't get why you're so infatuated with that hobgoblin," Bones shook his head. "Damn, kiddo, you're gonna get _married _in half an hour."

Jim groaned and hid his face in his hands. "Don't remind me... I'll probably start giggling half-way through because, hell, I suck at keeping a serious face."

"Of course. Because it's so hard to keep a serious face when you're surrounded by goddamn _Vulcans_. They practically invented the word 'serious'."

Jim laughed and ran a hand through his tousled hair. "Alongside the words 'illogical' and 'indeed'."

"Do not forget 'fascinating', Jim."

Spock's voice was quiet, but it still made Jim jump slightly in his seat. "Spock!"

The Vulcan-hybrid stood in the door-way, one eyebrow raised in a subtle display of amusement. He wore a black, asymmetrical tunic, three silver clasps were placed off-centre at the front, holding it together and alongside the black slacks the outfit managed to make Spock's complexion to appear even paler.

Jim knew he was gaping, but he only snapped out of his stupor when Bones gave a disgusted snort at his behaviour.

"Dammit, Jimbo, be careful, you're gonna start droolin' soon, if you keep this up."

Instinctively, Jim reached up to wipe the back of his hand across his lips. He was not drooling. He never drooled. _Damn you, Bones_.

Spock took a step closer, his bare feet slapping onto the stone-floor and Jim found himself standing to meet him half-way across the large room. Jim smiled up at his bondmate, almost giddy with the amount of love churning his insides. Spock lifted a painted hand to stroke Jim's cheek with his knuckles. His chocolate-brown eyes were shining and his lips were twitching with the urge to smile.

Jim almost wished he would.

"I thought the groom wasn't supposed to see the bride before the wedding," Bones chirped from his place on the bench behind them.

Jim let his head drop forward against Spock's sternum. "Way to ruin a moment, Bones. Thanks."

"You're welcome, princess."

"Spock, kill him, please."

"I do not think that would be wise, Jim."

"Damn you and your logic."

"I believe it is appropriate to say 'you love me for it'."

"Yeah... I do. Oh! Bones, if I am the bride, then you're my bridesmaid!"

Bones scowled. "Shut yer trap."

Jim laughed and placed a tiny kiss to the fabric that hid Spock's collarbone. Three months ago he would have laughed at anyone who would have dared to try and tell him that he would marry his best friend one day.

He would have never believed that the reason why he had not been welcome on Earth was the simple fact that his destiny lay with Spock. That his soul, his entire being, had constantly been searching for that other half that had been missing, stretching itself thin to reach across the light-years parting Vulcan from Terra. That there was someone just as torn and unaccepted as him somewhere, waiting for him.

Now, he was staring at his soon-to-be husband and his chest was close to bursting with joy.

Bones cleared his throat noisily. "It's almost three. Ya should get yer asses out there."

Spock inclined his head. "Indeed."

Jim grasped Spock's hand, twining their fingers together as they turned to walk out of the door and into their future.

_fin_

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><p>I'm so glad this thing is finished... =)<p> 


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